Alexithymia - Advice Needed!

[anyal1987]

Alright, so the relationship with boyfriend of about 10.5 months and I has primarily been a good one, until these past few months. And it wasn't until yesterday (after another embarrassingly emotional phone conversation I had with him the night before last) that he sent me a link from Cracked.com (which actually has some very intelligent articles from legitimate authors; despite it's goofy name and prominent satirical content) titled "6 Personality Quirks You Didn't Know Were Medical Conditions".

Let me back up a bit. The beginning of our relationship was pretty fantastic. There was this intense connection that I'd never felt with anyone before, and I know he felt it too. After a few months went by of us spending every possible moment together, no matter our priorities, and having the best times (going to out of town together, going to couple's parties and double dates, meeting each other's parents, etc.), I told him how I felt. I spilled my guts to him and told him about the connection, and he agreed. I told him I love him, but I was scared to tell him because it's generally an intense thing for a guy to hear. I told him I felt that way about it as well, but that I wanted to take my chances because as I said, the connection was so strong between us and I thought I could tell him anything. He said he'd never had someone say that to him before, nor had he said it to someone else, but for what it was worth, he loved me too.

For the next few months, I would receive texts and Facebook messages out of the blue during the day or at night while he was awake and I was asleep, that said "I love you" and "I miss you" and "I can't wait til we can hang out again". These messages would brighten my day. My past relationships weren't really like that. And if they were, I never felt the same way. It was nice to get an "I love you" message from someone who wasn't a family member, and from whom I'd actually loved back. When we would part after a long day or weekend of spending time together, not two minutes after, I'd see that text message, "I already miss you".

Then, the messages stopped. I would send him an "I love you" or "I miss you" message, and I wouldn't receive it back. I wouldn't receive anything back, for hours, and when I finally did see something from him, it was to change the subject. Acting like he never even saw it. At first I thought he just hadn't looked at his messages hard enough. He's a popular guy and a lot of people want to see him - he was also working an extremely stressful job that made him want to do nothing but go home and sleep. So I understood that. I mean his days off were even limited. But still, I couldn't understand why all of a sudden, I wasn't receiving those comforting messages from him at all, not even if I said it first.

So I started getting worried, and the worry got worse and worse. I'd try to get him to tell me what was going on, aside from his job. I never accused him of cheating because I trust him very much, and honestly he just doesn't seem like the type of person to do such a thing. But I did sense him to be the type to become emotionally closed off when in stressful situations. He went to Chicago once for a weekend to see his sister, and I think that was the last time I saw an "I miss you" kind of message, because he said he was having terribly chest pains from job related stress, and his message was something like, "I just wish I could be cuddling with you and watching South Park" - something to that extent. He ended up having to spend a whole day of his weekend vacation with his sister in Chicago at the Urgent Care because the pains were that unbearable. Eventually they gave him a shot of something to take away the pain and stress. Later on throughout the final weeks of his job, they would come and go.

But even when he quit the awful, stressful job, and decided to just focus on school and music and relaxing a bit, I wouldn't see those messages or hear him say those kinds of words. And I still couldn't figure out why, so I would ask again and again. I'd get sort of angry, and even sad to the point of crying to him over the phone, and asking him why he never said things like that anymore, even when not working, and why it takes him so long to respond to my messages, where he used to message me back all day, without skipping a beat. He also started hanging out with his friends more, telling me that I need to "chill" and "go with the flow" because I try to make too many plans - yet there he was making plans to hang out two hours north of us, in Flagstaff (where I've told him several times before I'd love to visit with him) with his buddies. I thought the first trip was fine because he hadn't seen his college friends in a while, but the second and third trips made me nervous and somewhat angry. I had also just moved into a place where it was a lot easier for us to be alone and intimate, where we'd have a lot more privacy (because before hand I was forced to live with my parents for a while, and he's currently in the same boat)... yet he never wanted to come over - even though we'd talked so much about how awesome it would be when I finally got this place, where we could finally be alone and do whatever we wanted without having to worry about other people being around.

There's been a couple nights now where we've nearly broken up because I was so devastated and he never knew what to say. Just "I don't know" responses.

Last night, he sent me that article about alexithymia, and I looked up the term. It fits him almost to a T. I don't think he is non-creative because he writes some incredible music for his band and loves his guitars. But everything else - the lack of expressing emotion, the inability to answer me when I ask him what is wrong or what he's thinking, and as of late, things like that. However... when we are together, he physically expresses himself in a way that brings me back to the way we were when we first started dating. I now only physically feel love from him, and I can't figure out why he suddenly can't use words anymore. He also has told me that he thinks the relationship is too serious, and that he doesn't love me anymore... but part of me can't tell if that's true or not. Perhaps it's my not wanting to believe it? I'm not sure. The alexithymia information I have read has done wonders for my insecurity and depression feelings about what's been going on between us lately.

But now I am wondering... is it even possible to date someone like this? And if so, will we ever go back to the way we were in the beginning? If I give him more space by not trying to make so many plans with him, texting him so often, trying to call him, etc., would that help? Do we need to straight up take a break for a few weeks and cut off all communication? Do I need to do something drastic like that in hopes that he will miss me and what we used to have, and help him to realize what he is losing if suddenly I'm no longer in the picture?

I'm not even sure I would be able to do such a thing - take a break - as we already live 50 miles away from each other and it's not like we are able to see each other every day (but he used to make sure we saw each other almost every day 10 months ago no matter the distance, time, gas, cost).

Help?
And thank you.

[searock]

He also has told me that he thinks the relationship is too serious, and that he doesn't love me anymore

Seems to me you are trying to avoid the point ^^^. Seems like the honeymoon period is over, and now he realized his feelings were actually just infatuation, not love. He might be stressed out and so on, but if he felt you were his life partner or something, he would still want to make sure you knew that, he wouldn't want to risk losing you and he most definitely would not tell you he doesn't love you anymore.

[4 ratties]

Don't drive yourself crazy about this. U can't change him if he doesn't want to change. So u have to either be okay with how he interracts with you or move on and find someone that will/want to meet your needs.

[anyal1987]

Well, it would seem that he made a decision four weeks ago, without telling me, to apply for a college that's two hours away. So he'll be attending and moving out of this part of town in August. So I broke up with him tonight and said I need to start trying to get over him and move on because I can't just continue being in a relationship with him when it's inevitable that we will break up in 8 months at the very latest. Neither of us think it's a good idea to try a long distance one, though I did tell him I'd be willing to try it. But that's not going to happen. He likes the friendship I have with my best friend, also room mate Nathan. So he wants to try to have a relationship like that since we can't be together as a couple anymore. I said that'll be difficult too because Nathan lives here, in town, not two hours away. But, because I would be even more depressed if he wasn't part of my life whatsoever anymore, I'm willing to try to stay good friends. But that's going to be very difficult for me because I will want to hold his hand and hug him and kiss him and be intimate with him. Maybe I'll get lucky and we'll break some rules and act that way a bit before he leaves in the summer.

I was crying so hard to him over the phone last night/this morning, telling him that this is more and worse than a break up. This is me losing my absolute favorite person, not just for a few months, but a few years. And when someone goes off to college for that long, they change. Both parties change. We won't be the same people when he's finished with school up there, and we may even have started families of our own. There's no way of knowing for sure, but it's more than likely going to end up that way. My favorite person is leaving me forever. And I'm pretty sure I heard him crying over the phone last night after I said that. I know he cares enough that it hurts him that I'm in so much pain.

-sigh-

All I know now is that my heart is shattered all over the place and I don't know where to even begin to try to heal. I miss him, I love him, and there's nothing I can do about it.