Is being in love meant to be difficult?

[Pinkbell]

Hi everyone

I have had, in the past, many abusive relationships. I have suffered from anxiety and agoraphobia (still suffer but I am very positive and proactive) and I haven't had an easy life but the good thing is that I am strong despite all that's happened, although I do have a soft heart.
I have finally found the man of my dreams...and it took a long time! He is sensitive, caring, very intelligent, great sense of humour and loves me to bits...and I really do love him (I didn't think I'd ever find anyone to love!).
But...there has to be a but, doesn't there?! He was married for 28 years to a woman with OCD and she left him in a very heartless, cold way that broke his heart. This was more than two years ago. One of the problems is, when he was with her, they ran up huge debts, remortgaging the house and credit card bills and he was silly enough to hand over all financial responsibility to her and they both knew how to spend! As a result of this, he is so tight with money with me. He earns a very good wage in today's climate and I have much much less than him but I am nearly always the one who pays for meals when we are out. He is so tight with money, sometimes we sit in virtual darkness to save on the lec bill! If we are out for just an hour, he turns everything off at the mains to save on the electricity and even though now that I am living with him, as the house is his, I give him money towards me living there, I am actually paying him the same amount as his mortgage. When we go grocery shopping, he buys the cheapest stuff and I have paid for so much in the past. He never treats me to a surprise meal. At Christmas, the presents he got me were impersonal and not expensive, and me being me, had overdone it. Yesterday I complained to him and said it wasn't fair, when was the last time he treated me to a meal? He just went quiet. I have got him little gifts in the past as well, as we haven't been together long, but he doesn't do the same for me. Oh he got me a mug once!
Perhaps when the bills are paid off (which will take a long time!) it will be different, but it feels like I'm paying (literally) for his and his ex wife's past mistakes. I am far from money orientated, quite the opposite, I am very generous (stupidly really, but I get so much pleasure from giving) but this feels wrong.
What do you think?

[Kromat83]

Seems like even though you do really like him, he doesn't treat you as much, to be appreciated.
You seem to be taking charge more than him, which isn't that good.
Both of you need to work equally to make it work, but how long will you wait ? will you have the same feelings for him once it is back to normal ?
Having any relationship takes work and time, and being able to compromise, and you must see something in him to stick around for this long that we don't know about.
Is it in your heart for this to continue ?

[HeartIsAching]

To answer your initial question - no. Being in love when it's for real is not difficult at all, it's actually very easy.

That doesn't mean that there aren't bumps, obstacles and obstructions - but you can negotiate them and negotiate with your partner without fear. If you can't, then it's not love.

You need to have a frank talk with him about your feelings on the subject, and re-negotiate the spending. I suggest you use "I Statements":

http://www.humanpotentialcenter.org/Articles/IStatements.html

[dem862]

Well, it sounds like you are buying his love. Does he do anything to earn your love and respect or are you just granting him this out of desperation?

[Boisdevie]

You've told us what you don't like. Why not tell him instead - the end result is likely to be more useful to you. My advice. Stop being a doormat.

[Rowen]

I agree with Boisdevie. You should really communicate with him.

In answer to your question, though, no.. Love isn't meant to be, but our deepest fears allow us to complicate it to no end. :S

[4 ratties]

Don't be coy or passive with him about this subject if it's really bothering you. Sit down with him and try to have a productive conversation with him to see if he can see where u are coming from.

[TablesandChairs]

Not many people enjoy spending time in the company of a scrooge so I'm with you on that one. His previous relationship is actually costing you and you weren't the one who benefited from it. Start speaking up - if you feel like you're always out financially, say so. Try to figure out if this is him (ungenerous) or if it's truly because of his debt. Some people use 'debt' as an excuse to be tight...my friend being one of them. When we questioned him about his debt, as we were always paying his share of everything, turns out he had no more debt than most of us.

Anyway, you know the situation best. You need to tell him clearly. If i were you, I'd keep things equal and look out for your own financial well being. Unless you know the ins and outs of his $ situation, don't be so eager to foot the bill.