break up??I need help

[bartek95]

Hello,to start things off i'm going to say that i'm 18.In July 2013 I've met a wonderful girl through my friend.It was just a skype conversation but soon after we started to talk on facebook,hours passed and we just continued and continued to talk,each and every day.I can remember that most conversations lasted from 9pm to 5am and one has even gone past 7am and ended only because my father told me to do so.We both knew that we were falling in love with each other.

We decided to meet on the 22nd of august,a little over a month after we first got to know each other.We both already knew that we want to be together and a little immaturely I asked her to become my girlfriend on the first date.I already knew the answer to that question,she said yes.for the next 3 months everything was like out from a fairytale...she was my first girlfriend,i'm not the type of guy that goes after loads of girls at once.I really get emotionally attached...Everything seemed to be fine,she even quit smoking because i asked her to.She kept telling me i'm the most important person in her life,that she loves me and she can't imagine life without me...we live 60km apart,so we met every second weekend.I could meet her every weekend but didn't want to anger her parents too much so i decided that every second weekend will be perfect.We even spent a whole week together during halloween.

We slowly started to get used to the new situation,slowly discovered our bodies.we didn't have sex as she's only 16 and i wasn't forcing her to do anything even though i'm 18.Everything started off her own initiative,i was really careful not to cross the line as she might not e ready for it.She is really unstable emotionally,her grandmother committed suicide when she found out she has cancer and it haunted my ex ever since.at the beginning of the relationship she kept telling me that she only stopped self-harming herself because of me and that i was the light in her life.I told her that i won't accept her self-harming during our relationship and i might be forced to end it if she does it...It was a pretty stupid thing to say but i thought it would keep her away from it...Everything was perfect for the first 3 months,we talked to each other over skype each and every day,it made things easier,made the waiting time for each next date easier.

Around the middle of November things started to get uglier and uglier.She admitted to me one day that she self harmed herself,i was really angry but accepted it even though i said i wouldnt...i was supportive and understanding but i asked her not to do it again.throughout december,we didn't really see each other because of her tests in school,i wanted to give her some time to study so that her parents aren't angry with me.we stopped talking over skype,i had to ask her to do it and soon i stopped asking because i felt like i was forcing her to do it...we didn't see each other from the 1st to the 25th of december,then we met for 5 days and were supposed to meet up again on the 10th of january.She then said that her parents wouldn't allow it because of school,they felt she needed to study.around that time,it even went as far back as the middle of december we started fightning over some little insignificant things which i now regret.

They weren't my fault i feel,she even admitted a few times after a big fight that it was her fault,she's over reacting and that she'll try to change.She was becoming more and more jealous.I told her i was asked to come to my female-friend's birthday party.I did tell her that all my guy friends will be there and i've no interest in her,she's just a friend.she went mad over it,i started to hear that her ex wants to meet up during the holidays,that she's going out with her guy-friend on the weekend.As a revenge she told me all those things...to top things off she wanted to go to the country we come from(we're immigrants) for a whole 2 months during the holidays to see her friends...I wasn't okay with it and i told her that she should maybe spend a month here and a month there but soon i realised i can't stand between her and her friends so i was okay with it.

a couple more fights then.nothing too major,we always apologised each other after maybe an hour or two.Maybe there were 5 or 6 of those fights throughout the relationship in total.I told her that i've important exams in february and i cannot see her until the 14th of february because i've to study for them.i told her that i might take out one weekend out of my study plan before the exams to see her.Then yesterday,when i thought that everything was going fine,i was happy with life,bam!"we need to talk" "seriously" "i think i wanna break up" when i asked her why she said that it's because of the distance and our constant fights...she told me she can't stand the distance and that i'm not beside her when she needs it.She told me it's best that we'd stay friends for some time to see where we're at.becoming friends isn't an option for me,I still love her more then ever...she said that she always walks around sad because i'm not with her.I kept telling her that i could be there tomorrow,the weekend after that and after that.I said i'll make up for it and all we need is to meet tomorrow which would be today.she said no,it's not gonna help...how can you possibly break up with someone over the distance between you and then not want to see that person the next day?that's beyond me.

I told her that our fights would stop and everything will be right again.she didn't really react to that.I was in shock,outraged,at the beginning of that relationship i asked her to promise that she'll never say it's pointless because of the distance,she promised not to...yesterday i heard that those relationships never work out.I have no idea what is going on in her mind.she keeps saying that it's better for us to stay friends even though she admitted she still loves me and that her heart broke in two and she became sad after that conversation.becoming friends for some time and then deciding what to do next seems to be her solution to the problem.Also at the beginning of out relationship i told her that communication is key and for the next few months i asked her a couple of times whether everything is fine,is something not okay with her...she always replied that everything is perfect and she loves me.she even did so maybe a week ago and when i asked her yesterday has she thought about this at all she said she's been thinking about it for over a month...

I don't know what to do,everyone tells me to just take some time off,become her "friend" but be the least bit nice i can possibly be to make her realise what she has lost.I hope that everything makes sense,but if it doesn't,it's probably because i only got 1-2 hours of sleep today and i can't eat anything...I would appreciate an opinion off someone,i really care about her but i'm not so sure if she cares about me...should i take some time off or maybe something else...please,help me.

[kazza.king]

It really sounds like she was learning to cope with a lot of things, and that you were a reason for her to try and be stronger. This is both a sweet thing, and a bitter thing. When it comes to these deep, twisted issues withing her, well, they go deeper than you can reach. It's no shortcoming on your part, it's simply a matter that she has to learn how to find strength in herself. An important lesson for every human being, really. As a former cutter, and someone who has certainly never admitted it to anyone I actually know, I feel comfortable in saying that getting over it is something that I did myself. I don't know if people realize how intimate and personal cutting is. It's not weakness. It's physical pain to combat emotional pain, and unless given a more substantial substitute, it's not going to stop. You can't just tell someone to stop hurting themselves without giving them something else to provide relief. That's like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking without removing the alcohol from their house.

It also sounds like she was dealing with some issues regarding depression and self-loathing. I am (somewhat strangely) an advocate that people who find themselves in such a state refrain from being in relationships. When you're going through something so deeply personal and hateful, it's best to figure out how to rely on inner strength - how to love yourself, yourself. Defining yourself or loving yourself in terms of another person in such a state could not be more ultimately destructive.

My honest thoughts? Cut her loose. She has a lot to figure out on her own. She needs to go it alone, and honestly, you don't need that.

[4 ratties]

No, you can't be friends with her right now, and don't try.
You were just dumped. When someone wants to stay friends, it's really because the dumper feels sorry for you, so they think saying "we'll still be friends" might lessen the load, which it doesn't. It just makes emotions go crazy And way harder to move on. There is nothing u can do. Quit begging and pleading with her. She's not happy and u shouldn't force her. I know your confused and pissed , that's relationships for you.