Real Insight Only Please

[jonathanof1988]

Alright everyone, I really appreciate the time you're taking to reflect and help me out with this situation.

Here it is.


Girl and I began dating three + years ago- three months in she became pregnant with my daughter. Our dating life was really great and definitely short-lived. Six months into the pregnancy I moved in with her and her tiny one bedroom place and got a job working for Starbucks. The cash was terrible so I pursued a career as a stone mason. During these early months Girl had been corresponding with a man she loved while traveling in Africa. Written love letters and all. I became jealous and read her emails, uncovering that she was secretly planning on meeting with him during a trip to Toronto. I confronted her- demanding that she never write to him again because she was pregnant with my daughter and that we had to work on our relationship. Of course trust has been broken.


Fast forward three years:
I deeply love this well educated and beautiful woman. Our daughter is two and she's wonderful and we're happy. I clear $42,000 a year and I'm working on my certification as we speak.

Side note:
Girl is a writer; meaning she loves to write poetry and letters to people and has recently completed her schooling and thus allowing a void in one of her passions. I know she needs to write and keep a blog and would love for her to do so. Unfortunately, years ago when I demanded her to stop writing this guy she decided to stop writing altogether.

Current day:
She sat me down last week telling me that she has starting writing to guy again. I took this as a huge personal attack since years ago her writing to that guy made me feel like shit. She knows that the two corresponding is the single and only thing she could do to ruin us.

We're currently split up and I see my loving daughter everyday.

I long for my love.

Post if you want to know more. Please help me. I really don't think I can just ignore them love writing each other.

[basilandthyme]

You might love her, but she's stubborn and inconsiderate of the regular boundaries in a relationship. If she loves writing and she loves you, she'd find a way to write which won't have a negative outcome on your relationship.

In any case, it would appear that she's chosen him over you. See if you can get custody of your daughter.

[HeartIsAching]

Sounds to me as if you tried to make a housewife from a whore. Sorry man... it usually doesn't work.

Seriously, she sounds like a serial cheater. If she "sat you down" and told you about it, I'd be willing to bet it wasn't a recent change at all. She was ready to move on, and only recently worked up the nerve.

How sad for you.

[4 ratties]

She's emotionally cheating on you and if they plan to meet again, physically cheating too. If she'll stubbornly do this with this guy, she'll do it with other guys too if they come along. She has no boundaries or respect for you. Doesn't sound like love to me. I just feel bad for the child. Guess next time u two should act like responsible adults and use a fricken rubber instead of gettin preggo 2 months in. Ew.

[jonathanof1988]

Thank you, I'll expand some.

This guy lives in the states and the chances of them ever really meeting and slamming is zero. They may meet someday but it won't be for a long long time. It's a fantasy and she's escaping from everyday life. I escape from everyday life by playing hockey with my guys a couple times a week. I think it's healthy. The only problem is that when she writes to him, he writes lovingly back and I think they take it too far. I really want her to be creative and love wordplay but I want to to seek it out in other ways but she wont.

I really like the idea of therapy.

I would love to marry her but we have a lot to work on..

[HeartIsAching]

I would love to marry her but we have a lot to work on..

Oy... *blink*

Really?!

[Rowen]

I would love to marry her but we have a lot to work on..

OH **** NO!!! IF YOU WERE MY SON, I'D RELOCATE YOU ACROSS THE GOD DAMN WORLD SO YOU COULDN'T MARRY HER!

Hasn't anyone ever told you that marriages of convenience DON'T work out? HIA knows a lot about what he's been writing about in his posts in this thread; LISTEN TO HIM!
Don't get me wrong; being in the child's life is one thing. I don't condone washing your hands of being in that kid's life because that child is going to want to know who Daddy is. But you're going to be miserable if you marry her. All she's going to do is cause you heartache and cheat on you again and again...

The universe is trying to beat some sense into you by making you face this situation. THIS will determine whether you fulfill your dreams and don't tolerate being someone's option or if you're just some little doormat everyone can wipe their feet on. It's your choice, but it won't work if you marry her. All you're going to do is create an un-livable environment for that child because it's going to be exposed to a home where the mother whores herself around to any man who asks her to spread her legs and a father who just submits and accepts the mediocre of life...

Judging by the kind of woman you're "in love with" I'm going to say it's safe to assume you have low confidence... Well, kiddo, it's time to summon some because if you don't, she's just going to walk all over you.

[jonathanof1988]

I'll expand some more.

This is how I read the whole situation;
She easily could've kept this secret from me. The fact that she sat me down and told me is the one thing that she could've done to effectively end our relationship stat. Girl is beautiful, brilliant and in her early 20's. She has her masters and has always longed to sleep with a woman.

I think she took the subconsciously(lol) took the opportunity to leave our relationship on good terms so she could better herself and explore the world she needs to explore. Settling down at 25 is crazy no?

[searock]

25 isn't early 20s, it's mid-20s. Anyway, why do you think it's relevant that she "has always longed to sleep with a woman"? If anything, it reinforces the thought that she is not ready to settle down with you, child or no child. She is not a good life partner for you (at least not at this point in your life) and you should not get married in hopes that it will magically fix things. She is being completely disrespectful of your feelings and relationship boundaries, acting like a teenager really. Why are you still together with a woman that doesn't treat you as if you were important to her?

[Rowen]

I'll expand some more.

This is how I read the whole situation;
She easily could've kept this secret from me. The fact that she sat me down and told me is the one thing that she could've done to effectively end our relationship stat. Girl is beautiful, brilliant and in her early 20's. She has her masters and has always longed to sleep with a woman.

I think she took the subconsciously(lol) took the opportunity to leave our relationship on good terms so she could better herself and explore the world she needs to explore. Settling down at 25 is crazy no?

Boy, you are exactly five gallons of crazy in a two gallon pail. Hell, I'm 19, and I can see this situation for what it is.

Basically, you're viewing her as the only girl you're "worth" and putting her up on a pedestal subconsciously. By making up excuses for her behavior and telling us that you think she left to "subconsciously better herself", you're not accepting that it's over. So, let me give you a clue; she's GONE, kiddo! GONE! That bat hit the ball out of the stadium... The sooner you accept that, the faster you'll be able to stop yourself from making a HUGE mistake.

The only reason why she was honest was because she wanted to leave you to begin with. She was finally able to accept this whole act she was putting on for you was getting thin and she was ready to shed you because you no longer meant anything to her. And what do you expect to happen if she grows tired of that guy, comes back, and tells you she made a mistake? How can you ever trust her?
And the answer, to that, ladies and gentlemen who are also reading, is that he won't be able to. It'll drive his confidence lower, making him paranoid that she may be talking to someone behind his back.

OP, I know what it's like to date a serial cheater... My one ex-boyfriend put me through Hell and back, and I made up the exact same excuses you're making up right now. Every time, I took him back, taken away by his charm and the way he could just convince me he only wanted to be with me... And every time, he cheated on me, whether it was with a man or a woman or (sometimes) men and/or women, and then he left me to pick up the pieces just like this girl left you right now... I've been in your shoes. Maybe I'm younger than you are, but I know what it's like all the same, and I know this isn't going to work.

Accept that she's gone, and focus on yourself. Better yourself for YOURSELF and no one else... Then, you can find the love you deserve which is a lot more than this girl can give you...

Oh, and PS: In case you were wondering, it is NOT crazy to settle down at 25. I know quite a few people who have done it and have worked out fine. My brother is 23 and getting married next year. My one classmate in my Psychology course got married at 24. Another friend of mine in the military got married to her husband at 24 and now has 3 kids. And, there are a lot more than that, but I think I made my point.

[Rowen]

25 isn't early 20s, it's mid-20s. Anyway, why do you think it's relevant that she "has always longed to sleep with a woman"? If anything, it reinforces the thought that she is not ready to settle down with you, child or no child. She is not a good life partner for you (at least not at this point in your life) and you should not get married in hopes that it will magically fix things. She is being completely disrespectful of your feelings and relationship boundaries, acting like a teenager really. Why are you still together with a woman that doesn't treat you as if you were important to her?

DAMMIT ALL, I want to thank you for this post or at least give you some reputation points, but it won't let me! Just know I'm giving them mentally!

[searock]

Tee-hee, thanks Rowen