My Girlfriend's Past Constantly Tortures Me.

[Dez1985]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a little more then 9 months now, and I’ve been more or less struggling with feelings of insecurity and jealousy the whole time. I’m not so much jealous of anything in the present as I am about things in my girlfriend’s past. I know she has had quite a lot of sexual partners before me, was a topless dancer and is very sexually knowledgeable. This seems to play on my mind endlessly. I get constant streams of thoughts about partners she might have had and what she did with them. I once read some stuff in her diary about sex that both shocked and disgusted me. But after we talked about it I thought I probably took a lot of stuff out of context and that maybe it wasn’t as bad as I first imagined. But things like this still bothers me and make me anxious about our relationship.

I can’t stop thinking about my girlfriend’s past. I can’t even walk down the street with her and see another man glance at her as she is very attractive, and not think: “Has she been with him?” "Have he seen her naked in her past profession?" And if we’re engaged in sexual play, I’ll often find myself asking, “Where did she learn to do that?” And then I start imagining the dozens of times she’s been with other guys.

I’m not sure if what I’m experiencing is actual jealousy or something else. I trust my girlfriend in the present, and I know she truly cares for me and supports me with my problems and I’m sure she wouldn’t hurt me with doing things with others while we’re together. My problem is letting go of the things she’s done in the past or possibly even discovering new things about her past sexual exploits. I can’t even imagine how I would feel if I ever met someone she has had sex with or even possibly performed for.

What are these irrational fears and insecurities all about and how do I get over them? Has anyone ever got over this issue in a relationship? or can offer some advice on what I can do to get past this.. it's the only thing that's stopping me from letting go completely.

[searock]

I'll never understand why so many guys come to this forum with this same exact problem. Why do you care what your girlfriend did in the past? She is with you now. Stop obsessing over meaningless stuff, it's unhealthy and absurd. You should be happy that she's in touch with her sexuality, rather than anxious about it.

[TheEvilJester]

The past is just that... the past. Is she still a topless dancer? I assume she isn't still with any of these others guys. So, you can't worry about somebody's past. You are her present. That is all that matters.

I also can't help but ask... why were you reading her diary in the first place? That is a huge invasion of her privacy. That is not a good way to establish trust in a relationship.

Unfortunately, there is no magical answer for you here. These are the sort of things you have to just stop worrying about, or you can never be happy in a relationship. It is rare that you will ever find somebody who doesn't have something in their past you would probably rather not hear about at all. Past boyfriends or whatever else. If this all really bothers you this much, you may want to consider seeking a therapist. I don't mean that to sound like I am calling you crazy. Absolutely not. I think most of us could honestly use a therapist from time to time.

But, it could be a big help to you to deal with these issues and learn not to let it bother you. Otherwise, how will you ever be happy in any relationship? You will always find some excuse to worry yourself, and more often than not over nothing.

Good luck. I hope you can find your way.

[JadenMia]

Sometimes it's better not to know the last of our lovers, it can bring up jealousy for those that are insecure.
You really cannot expect anybody to not have a sexual past, so if you love this woman you will just have to try get over it because this will never change with whoever you meet.
If she is with you and you trust her, don't let her past bother you. It's not happening right now.. And jealousy of this kind is a great way to completely destroy a relationship as you may become resentful.
I sometimes feel this jealousy over my boyfriends past lovers.. But then I just snap out of those thoughts as soon as they appear and remember he is with me. If he wanted that, he would be still there.

Reading her diary was a huge violation of privacy. I would be SO p*ssed off if someone I trusted read mine. That is not respectful towards her and you should really just try to keep these thoughts at bay.
Try keeping an elastic band around your wrist and snapping it hard every time you think about her past. Or just occupying yourself with something else to keep your mind busy.

If you are that jealous, maybe a ex topless dancer isn't the right match for you.

[Starnique]

Just do her a favor and break up with her already. How are you being tortured? You're the one torturing her with her past. She could be dealing with her own issues and has worked hard to get past her past and you're making it difficult for her to move fwd because of your own insecurities. Insecurities are issues from within so you need to work on yourself because you're the problem.

[smackie9]

the past can't be changed, you knew what you were getting into. So you sit around for 9 months of torture? Nothing can make your feeling go away, it is what it is. Don't date an ex topless dancer then......

[Dez1985]

Let me just say that we have a fantastic relationship and I love and care for her very intensely.

I know this is partially due to my personal insecurities. I was finally starting to make some progress, it wasn't bothering me so much after I finally confessed the issue to her. She then assured me that she loved me and the past was the past. I kept mentally telling myself that this its not a big deal that she was a topless dancer and even had sex for money once, I know she was on her own since 16 and had a very traumatic childhood, but a part of me can't help having this sinister attitude about some of her choices.

The issue came back full swing after reading her diary. It was just there. She had left the house for a short period of time and my curiosity got the best of me and I read it. I now know that a lot of events that has taken place, she has hidden from me and/or gave me a half truth about it. Lots of men she was in relationships with always did favors for her or made sure she didn't go without. That bothers me.

Is this normal? Have any guys ever experienced this before? Any tips for future conversations with her or things that I myself can do to alleviate my troubled mind? Rationally I know that she isn't in the wrong here. I have insecurities and have a controlling and possessive nature that I know are all contributing to these negative thoughts. I just want to be free of them.

[Dez1985]

Anyone else???

[smackie9]

Get over it or you will lose her. Does she know how you feel? Because if I had a BF that was disgusted with my past I would tell him goodbye.

[smackie9]

btw way true love is UNCONDITIONAL. If you love her like you say you do her past would be meaningless to you...

[basilandthyme]

I'll never understand why so many guys come to this forum with this same exact problem. Why do you care what your girlfriend did in the past? She is with you now. Stop obsessing over meaningless stuff, it's unhealthy and absurd. You should be happy that she's in touch with her sexuality, rather than anxious about it.

It's not so many guys.....it's posters who repeat the same topic.

Dez, your responses will be much the same as last time you posted this http://www.loveforum.net/threads/86583-Cant-get-over-GF-shady-past?highlight=

[searock]

Oh, that explains it… talk about obsessive!

[4 ratties]

once I found out my bf did anal with his ex and I let it upset me for a week because I was jealous and insecure that he tried something new with her thats hes never done with me. what worked for me was retraining my brain. u need to learn to shut off thoughts and not entertain them. when u think those thoughts tell yourself to think about something else. it takes a couple weeks but then u start not having an emotional response to thoughts because youve stopped obsessing and entertaining them. if you cant stop your bad thoughts you might want to seek counseling.