Why am I mad, hurt, jealous after my wife tells me she has more experiance then befor

[Red32]

(HeartIsAching)

Thank you for the post. I agree and I do plan on talking to her in a mature fashion so we can talk and figure this out. This is more of my type of thought process going through the whole thing. Thanks for the info it helps to know I'm not completely over reacting. Granted what I'm thinking and what I'm feeling for now need to stay in myself and on this forum for the most part other wise I would lose a good relationship. Even though my trust has been broken for the time being.

[Red32]

(dickriculous)
Thanks for the post. For 1) I agree completely I do need to work on myself. I just had a hard time figuring this out on my own. I needed advice so I don't ruin something great. Even though I want to try and fix this, it is still a hard road and I've been on it a very short time. The one thing is is that It's not so much of me regretting her sexual acts its her not telling me about them knowing that I would not approve. I turned down many a relationship because girls have been willing to give it up so easy. Not saying my wife did but she knew i didn't like that and yet she did it and didn't tell me about it till after we were married! That is the most infuriating this of all. My trust, everything i thought I knew about her. The feeling of being used and lied too for so long. It just hurts and I dont know what i need to do. I still love her but i tried so hard to find a person like me and i thought I had it (Maybe I still do) but it turned out to be a lie and now because I'm married I need to say. O it's ok, No problem you did what i didn't and i thought you were like me, but now I know you just used me because you knew you caught the right guy but couldnt tell me the truth because I might leave you. If that's selfish to want someone with my like values and only now find out it was a lie and I cant be mad about it then I really have no clue what i need to do, and i'm a really really screwed up person.

Sorry for the rant it strikes a cord

But for 2) I agree we will have a talk within the week about what she did and go from there. I need to know why she didn't tell me and why now tell me after 3 years of marriage.

Thanks again for the post

[Red32]

(BackUpOrGetStng)
Thank you for a different perspective. I dont know if I'm going to mention that or not yet. It's just something that I cant get out of my head. Like how do I make this relationship equal again. Because I feel that I cant get a divorce/dont want too. But i feel i need to experience the same things she did. Since she wasnt honest with me and now I'm stuck marriage and it feels like i've been fooled. Just because i chose not to get with most girls doesnt mean i didnt want too. But now I know she did and that she "lied" about it, then what is to stop me from doing the same thing back and bringing the relationship back to even ground. Thats the train of thought that I keep going along. Any other comments on this or advice would be great. I know this sounds bad but I'm trying to give everyone the best and relevant information that pertains to me. Not that I will do any of this. It's what I'm thinking and trying to post on this board and find a better alternative.

But again thanks for the post!!

[searock]

The thing is, she knew i did not normally go out with girls that have a long sexual list of men. Like i said in a reply post above i chose that, i wanted that in a partner and i was "lied" to about it. My whole take on what i wanted from a partner and my wife got turned on its head. Now I'm force to accept she has been with more guys? That just pisses me off so bad.

This is very legitimate - it's you being upset for being lied to and tricked into dating a person you wouldn't have dated had you known the truth. Anyone would have the right to be majorly pissed off.

Now that you're married to her though, can't you see the absurdity of that decision? Would you be happier not having spent the last 3 years of your life married to her, just because before dating you she slept with who she wanted?

how am I being that insecure guy. Again like I said before I knew and accepted the people she has been in a relationship with. The only thing at this moment in time that makes me feel better thinking about is either to separate and date more people and see if that makes me feel better so i can equal the score so to speak.

You literally answered your own question. This is what makes you insecure: the fact that you still think (even after knowing her for so long) that the fact that she slept with guys outside of a relationship makes a fundamental difference in your marriage (it doesn't), and especially the whole crap about wanting to "equal the score". WTF? What "score"? Are you 13? She did what she wanted with her sexuality when she was young, it's not her fault that you didn't (or did? It's perfectly fine to not want to have multiple sexual partners outside of a relationship, as there's nothing wrong to want them). Then she decided that what she wanted to do with her sexuality included only you, the moment she decided to marry you. Marriage is the same exact decision that you made. This is the point: you and her might not have been on the same page once (before you started dating), but now you most definitely are. This is why you are insecure: your react to things in a way that is irrational, and can only be justified by insecurity.

What keeps going through my head is that she saw the person I was/am knew I would be a good father and husband, purposely hid the information from me knowing full well that this would be something I look down on and said I don't care. I'll marry him, get him to where he cant leave me and that will be that.

Again, this is a legitimate reason to be angry. She did trick you. However (and this is not an excuse for her lie, just something to reflect upon), she did it for "the greater good". She saw that you two would have been happy together, that you were compatible and that a wonderful love story could have started - all things that actually happened. So she thought "Why should his insecurity and judgment get in the way of what we could have?" and she decided not to tell you. She might actually have done you a favor - you wouldn't have married her otherwise, you wouldn't even have dated her. You say that you love her, well if that's true, you'll find a way to accept her and to let go of your irrational insecurities.

To be clear: I think it's perfectly reasonable to not want to date someone that doesn't share your same ideals, be them sexual or otherwise. However, not all the persons that sleep with people outside of a relationship are "evil" or "cheaters" or "sluts" or whatever it is that you think. In this particular case, you happen to know this person very well. She just wanted to have the chance to show you who she really was, bypassing all your judgment and stereotyping.

[Red32]

Ok I understand what your trying to say. And I agree with about 80-90% of what your saying. The feelings and thoughts going through me right now are not the most mature things that could be going through my head as stated in your second paragraph I agree with most of those points, after reading that ya sure I might be insecure and thats fine for me. I feel that being insecure after being lied to is reasonable (Especially in the way it happened). The point that I'm trying to make is I guess I am insecure! Again after re reading and typing for a full day I think I can cast light on why this makes me feel the way that I do. First off you know my wife lied to me about something big and it was about other men that she knew I would have a problem with. Second she has cheated (not on me) before with another boyfriend of hers whats to say she wont do the same to me (Insecure I know I can see it!! Can you blame me?). Third I had to fight and give up half my family for her and my mother died before I could re-mend that relationship all because they did not want me marring her before i got to know her more (we dated 1 1/2 years before marring) also my mother warned me of girls like this but I blew her off. I know it was quick but i love her and now my moms dead. I can never say sorry you were right, you tried to warn me but i didnt listen. I have to live with that. And I feel that all the past choices I made were all wrong. All of this just now goes through my head and literally flips everything I thought was right off into the mud. I'm not saying I going to get a divorce or go sleep with alot of people. I just dont know how to forgive my wife for this. Ya sure they were her past but they caused many future mistakes that could of been avoided had I had all the right information. There could been alot of different alternatives If only i would have known. I most likely would of kept dating my wife in all honesty. But i think I would have listened to my parents and dated longer to find out if she really being honest with me. Then I wouldn't of had this hole in me knowing that my mom was right and i never get to say sorry. All because i trusted her and thought I knew who she was. It's a hard place I'm in and I need to let her know this. This best sums up what my thoughts on the whole situation. I just needed talk it out and get some hard feed back that I might not like. I understand now what I'm feeling but this is going to be a hard one to just let go and forget it happened. It sucks! do i get mad and leave? She still loves me but I have doubts about her. Do i leave it alone and just be lucky that I found someone even though I lost someone that had been right and tried to watch out for me and I blew her off. I dont know lots of stuff to think about. Anymore advice would be great from anyone!

Thanks for the post