Family broken apart.

[JadenMia]

Hi all. I am going through some serious matters with my immediate family and I just am at wits end.
My parents had to move 2 hours away recently due to my fathers work complications.
My sister is 17 and is finishing her last year at school for diploma. My parents asked me to take my sister on with me while she finished school and to help out.
I was living with my boyfriend and daughter in a 2 bedroom fourplex and it is too small for us let alone my sister too. She said she would pay me money per month and that as soon as she was graduated she would have to find her own place or move with them.

Fast forward 2 months. She moved in with us. Sharing a bedroom with my 5 year old daughter which is hardly appropriate. I haven't seen any money for her, living in this tiny house is driving us all crazy and it is causing a huge rift between me and my boyfriend.
My boyfriend found a house that would give us all the space we need and wants me to move in on march 1st. Only problem is my sister would have to pay 500 a month to live there too.
My parents have completely turned on me since I asked for this, but I feel like they have lumbered me with their child and responsibility. I want to be able to move on with my life and they are stopping me from moving forward because they wanted to move forward with theirs.

My boyfriend is furious with them, they are furious with me and my poor sister has no where to go.

Can anyone give me any advice? I don't know what to do.. I feel I am letting down my family for selfish needs, but I feel unfairly treated and stuck because my parents are controlling my life and I feel that my sister shouldn't be my responsibility.
Any input would be awesome. Thankyou

[basilandthyme]

Jaden, this whole situation sounds completely dysfunctional. Not you....you sound perfectly normal...but your family is out of hand.

The thing which strikes me as odd is that you sister offered to pay the rent - and that your parents aren't paying it for her. It makes me wonder if your parents asked her to go with them, but she refused and wanted to stay with you instead. Is this a possibility?

If so, perhaps it's time that your sister had a dose of reality. As much as it's awful timing to have to move with her parents in the last year of HS, it's selfish and unfair of her to expect you to support her. She may just have to suck it up, follow your parents and change schools.

Perhaps I understand this all wrong; Perhaps this is not your sister's choice and your parents have cast her out without a second thought. But I'm just trying to make sense of it all.

[JadenMia]

Thankyou for your reply! And sorry by 'she offered to pay' I meant my mum offered to pay for her living expenses 400 a month.
My sister did in fact refuse to go with them. She didn't want to leave before school ended but my parents said they needed to go.
Since I posted this they have agreed to pay the money for my sister to move with us to the new house. But are angry with me because they can't afford it apparently, yet they just bought a million dollar house.

I'm so at loss, I don't want to completely kick my sister out, but it's absolutely ruining my life. It's tearing me and my boyfriend apart and my parents are acting like I'm selfish and calling me angry.
I'm so sick of it. My boyfriend doesn't understand that I feel the need to help my family. He is angry at me for taking this crap, we argued all morning and he's sick of it now.
I just don't know what to do

[HeartIsAching]

JadenMia - Say this to your mother:

"I'm not her mom, YOU ARE. Taking care of her without the financial support you promised is making my life miserable. Take care of your own child."

[JadenMia]

JadenMia - Say this to your mother:

"I'm not her mom, YOU ARE. Taking care of her without the financial support you promised is making my life miserable. Take care of your own child."

Iv tried to say my piece and explain that at the end of the day she isn't my responsibility, that I have tried my best to help her out but it doesn't seem good enough.
My mother is acting quite horribly towards me, saying I owe my parents from everything they have done for me in the past.
I feel like I'm betraying them completely that I should just suck it up but finally for once in my life things are working out and I am moving forward with the man I love but I'm not able to with my sister.
I can't help but feel guilt but at the same time I feel this is out of order and unfair.

We can't talk without arguing because she is accusing me of being disgusting person, and I can't sit there and accept the abuse she is dishing out without defending myself.

[asdfg789]

@Jade, I'm not sure of your ethnic background since you live in Canada, but for more traditional Asian families, siblings do help to take care of each other whenever possible, especially when they are still of schooling age.

I must say, though, that your parents could be more appreciative of your helping out and at the same time perhaps your boyfriend can be a little bit more understanding, after all it is just for a few months, no ?

Try having a talk with your boyfriend to get his support and understanding. Draw up boundaries so that he gets the space he needs.
Speak with your father if your mom is acting unreasonably, and explain your financial and family needs so he may understand your sacrifices.
I think this is a case where if everyone takes a little step back, things are really not so bad.

My $0.02

[JadenMia]

@Jade, I'm not sure of your ethnic background since you live in Canada, but for more traditional Asian families, siblings do help to take care of each other whenever possible, especially when they are still of schooling age.

I must say, though, that your parents could be more appreciative of your helping out and at the same time perhaps your boyfriend can be a little bit more understanding, after all it is just for a few months, no ?

Try having a talk with your boyfriend to get his support and understanding. Draw up boundaries so that he gets the space he needs.
Speak with your father if your mom is acting unreasonably, and explain your financial and family needs so he may understand your sacrifices.
I think this is a case where if everyone takes a little step back, things are really not so bad.

My $0.02

Thankyou very much I am British, but in my family we have always helped each other out, and been a very tight knit family.
In the end, they agreed to pay for her rent at our new house. It was a reasonable amount, If she was to find another place it would be much more expensive.
I apologized for getting so worked up about it, but I told them I needed to leave this house for my own families sanity. It was too much for 4 of us to be living in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom fourplex.
We are on better terms now, and I agree, when I took a step back, I don't know why i was so worked up even though I do still think they should be helping and 400 a month isn't to much to ask for her living expenses.
Well, I just found out I am pregnant again, so maybe it was the hormones that got me SO upset. Lol
Hopefully things go smoothly from here. thanks again

[michelle23]

You need to tell your parents that you dont owe them anything the next time they throw that in your face. It is their job as parents to "do all the things they did for you in the past" and you are doing them a huge favor by looking after THEIR underage child so they need to get down off their high horse and stop with all the guilt tripping crap.

[asdfg789]

Well, I just found out I am pregnant again, so maybe it was the hormones that got me SO upset. Lol
Hopefully things go smoothly from here. thanks again

Congrats ! Good luck !!

[JadenMia]

You need to tell your parents that you dont owe them anything the next time they throw that in your face. It is their job as parents to "do all the things they did for you in the past" and you are doing them a huge favor by looking after THEIR underage child so they need to get down off their high horse and stop with all the guilt tripping crap.

That's what I think too, as a mother myself, anything I do for my daughter is unconditional and I won't be throwing it in her face when I need something from her.. I just don't agree with the way they are at all. We aren't really on speaking terms, they are just paying for my sister and that's that.
I'm just upset that I tried to help out and I was the one who got sh*t on. My other sister didn't want any part of it and she's not getting sh*t on for it..
Makes me real upset, but I can't control how they act. Just how I react.

[JadenMia]

Congrats ! Good luck !!

Thankyou very much I'm crossing my fingers this one is okay, and preparing myself for the worst too.

[Mattiemae]

Well if she is under 18 they are her legal responsibility and just tell them you will go file for child support. They can't expect you to take on the financial responsibility when you have your own obligations. If not you can tell them you will go to Deparment of Human Services to get her food stamps. lol Fortunately just do your homework on how to help and assist your sister. I'm sure they will get mad, but at the same time, it will motivate them to move and do something.

They've probably done tough love on you all your life, now is just the time to do it back. It is very dysfunctional and yes, your sister deserves a safe and secure place to live. Their is housing programs, but she would need a job. It's a shame, but your sister might have to get a job too even if part time and help pay for things. It is crappy of your parents to put her in this position.

Not sure why you agreed to this in the first place, because you should have already known it would effect your family and relationship. There was no reason for it to happen, and really your parents legally are responsible. If worst comes to worst, and you can't afford to take care of her, you may have to help her get housing and assistance.