Boyfriend/Sex Addiction/Craigslist/Weird Bondage Site

[bree5454]

My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years. I recently moved into his apartment (2 months ago) and things have felt better than ever. We've have had our ups and downs in the past though, which have led to some trust issues. About a year ago when we were going through a rough patch (arguments, work stress, etc) and I found out he'd created an online profile on plenty of fish. I found out because he'd received a late night text message while sleeping. I saw "Andrea" flash on his screen and went through his phone (breach in privacy blah blah blah, I know). Initially he denied it, but was forced to confess after I found more evidence. He apologized etc., and it took months for me to get over it.

Fast forward a year and I've made another discovery. Yes, I invaded his privacy again -- and discovered he'd created a profile just a few days ago on some weird bondage site -- with a picture of his chest, stating he was looking for an online romance (among other bondage-y details). I flipped. He of course begged me to forgive him etc. Said he thought he might have a sex addiction problem, but that he never intended to physically cheat on me. He says he would NEVER do that -- he just got off on the thrill of chatting online.

The day after my discovery, I felt really paranoid. I wanted to forgive him because I love him, but I started digging more. I racked my brain trying to think of other places he might have a hookup profile. That brought me to craigslist. Obviously the 'Casual Encounters' section is anonymous. But I used his email and said forgot my password. BOOM and email from craigslist enters his email box (yep, I have access to that and no, I don't normally go through it). I reset his craigslist password and login to his account. And BOOM. There's a posting that was deleted from one month ago -- the day after Christmas, while him and I were in another state visiting his family.

The post briefly described him -- and what he was looking for -- "light bondage" and an "ongoing relationship with a submissive woman" and that he wanted to "first meet in public to see if they got along well."

(Aside: The bondage obsession is also weird. We've done silly light bondage things before -- tape, rope, cheap handcuffs -- but we don't have some weird sub/dom relationship).

I confronted him. At first he was angry. Then he was despondent. Then he begged for me to forgive him. Said he would go to therapy, do anything and that he didn't want to be that person. He claims he deleted the post about 10 minutes afterwards and that he NEVER actually wanted to go through with it, he just got a sexual thrill out of it. He again claimed he might have a sexual addiction, and that he's ashamed. He loves me more than anything -- blah blah blah.

I'm torn. I'm disgusted. I'm stressed. I could move out this weekend. Take everything I own -- which includes the bed, couch, table and chairs, coffee maker -- mostly everything (we got rid of his stuff when I moved in because my was nicer/newer).

I just don't understand his behavior. It's so risky and stupid (we JUST moved in together, he'll have no furniture after I'm gone and a pretty large rent payment on the 1st) that it might be sexual addiction, but he could be lying. He maybe cheated physically. I'll never be able to prove that. He claims he'll do anything to make this right, begging me to give him another chance to be a better man, etc., but I don't even know what could make this better. He's shattered my trust and these huge dreams I had for our future (after months of what seemed like an amazing relationship).

Looking for honest, thoughtful advice, not just "dump his ass"...though it was certainly my first (and still lingering) reaction...

Thanks in advance if you've read this lengthy post.

[KingZ]

we JUST moved in together, he'll have no furniture after I'm gone and a pretty large rent payment on the 1st

This is the reason he's been begging you to not kick him to the curb. He's using you.

You know he's lying to you. The trust has been broken and will never be rebuilt.

I could type a massive block of text to explain this to you, but it wouldn't change anything. You already know what needs to be done.

Move out. Move out while he's gone so he doesn't have time to beg and make empty promises.

[basilandthyme]

Bree, I'm having a great deal of trouble coming up with advice which isn't 'dump his ass'.

I guess my only other advice is that you should read your post as if it's someone else's problem and decide how you'd advise them.

[smackie9]

Having a fetish or desiring sex outside a relationship DOES NOT mean he has a sex addiction problem. His problem is that he is hiding and lying about his lifestyle. If you wish to keep this relationship, you need to be on board with having an open relationship and enjoy sharing his kink, that is the only choice you have other than leaving him.

IMO it is wrong for you to force him to abstain from his guilty pleasures. Set him free.

[TablesandChairs]

It's not going to stop - for a while, after he's caught, he might go into 'guilt' mode and abstain for a period of time, but it'll re-emerge eventually. He's been caught before, he's made promises before. He may not have physically cheated but that's just a matter of time and opportunity.

When trust is shattered (repeatedly), it's very hard to build back up. He clearly wants sex outside the relationship...you either a) go along with it or b) live with the paranoia. He's not just looking up porn, he's trying to set up encounters...fidelity is going to be an issue for him, no matter how much he loves you.

[bree5454]

Thank you for your advice. Despite the heart breaking, gut-wrenching pain I'm in, I still wish it wasn't true or that there was some way to feel as safe, happy and in-love as I was did just a few days ago. I'll never understand him. Why waste my time? Why waste his time? We could have ended it a long time ago if he had just expressed his need for something or someone outside of this relationship. Ending it like this, I won't be able to hold onto a single good memory of our last three years together.

[michelle23]

Hes not a sex addict. That is a laughable excuse. He likely has a fetish for bondage. He will never stay faithful to you-and he likely has already cheated. Those sites are there to arrange hook ups-there is no way in hell I would believe his only intention was to talk dirty online. He even listed "looking for a submissive but need to meet first" that tells you all you need to know.

End this now and never look back

[Rowen]

Cut that dick lose. You might wind up with some STD because of him.

[IndiReloaded]

It's not the kink, its the lying. Twice. That you know about.

Someone steals money from your desk at work. Not once, but twice. You do... what, exactly?

[AnErin]

He likely has a fetish for bondage. He will never stay faithful to you-and he likely has already cheated. Those sites are there to arrange hook ups-there is no way in hell I would believe his only intention was to talk dirty online. He even listed "looking for a submissive but need to meet first" that tells you all you need to know.
End this now and never look back

Online dating is a totally different dynamic than real life.
It is unlikely the guy has met anyone online. At least 3 out of 4 people who date online never show up even when a meeting is arranged. I have met people online and of course come time to meet in the real world, they are busy or their car broke down. Or maybe they forgot about a consultation with the queen of England.

A lot of people just get off on talking dirty online. I had one creep who wanted to meet and sent me dirty messages daily. He also wasted minutes on my cell by calling to talk about NOTHING. Of course the day of our meet, he sent a text saying his truck broke down. Never heard from him again.

The man in question for the OP is not likely to meet anyone on a dating site because either he will flake or the person he is talking to will. Basically - you have little or nothing to worry about. If he were going to clubs it would be different but he is just sitting at home talking to random strangers with no chance of meeting so relax.

[Wakeup]

Have you ever read anything on Madonna/Whore complex, Bree?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madonna%E2%80%93whore_complex

There's a link. Maybe he wants you for his Madonna while he plays with his whore?

Whatever; You know you can't trust him since he's been caught out once and that didn't stop him so don't enable him to keep you sweet while he gets his kinks from others... Unless of course you're okay with that and you too can get your kink on with outsiders as well? No? Well, then you know what you gotta do.

Despite the heart breaking, gut-wrenching pain I'm in, I still wish it wasn't true or that there was some way to feel as safe, happy and in-love as I was did just a few days ago.

You may benefit from this link as well because most people that are not codependent would have left (the first time or at least insisted on couples and personal councelling before taking him back) without needing to start a thread asking what they should do.

http://www.whatiscodependency.com/symptoms-of-codependency/

Good luck. Work on yourself and forget about him. You can't change him.

[smackie9]

AnErin what makes you thing he hasn't? It's very possible he has, since he's already been lying to her. It could very well be the next step like a serial killer that the chatting on line isn't enough anymore so they take it to the next level to heighten the excitement. The possibility is there, never say never. Plus the OP is totally emotionally trashed by this. She had a different impression of who he was only to have it shattered by his lies.

[LittleFox]

bree5454, I have some different thoughts about your issue, that are from the series "dump his ass".
Anyway that was my first reaction, but then I remembered that I know this situation from my experience. From my side.

Your boyfriend probably has a lot of sexual fantasies and clearly some S&M fetishes. I do not think it is something bad, just something people do not talk about it so openly. His actions (the hiding, lying) might occur because of the guilt he feels. He maybe thinks that it is "bad" or that others including you will not understand and accept this.
It can be that he feels pleasure just by posting or JUST by being on those sites. He needs to feel his darker, unaccepted side, which he cannot deny. That is not from a book, but from a personal experience. The thing that you caught him might make him feel more guilty, but he will not stop, for sure. Or if he does stop, he can become frustrated, unhappy.
The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to have an open talk without judgement. Maybe there is some possibility you can live this together. Discover his secret world with an open mind. that might bring you closer and relationship stronger. You are being judgmental right now. I am not saying it is right to lie or hide something, but before to jump to conclusions just talk about this with him, if you care. If you see that indeed it is unacceptable for you, you will feel more relaxed to walk away. You know you cannot change him by being angry about his fantasies.

[LittleFox]

that are *NOT* from the series "dump his ass"

[michelle23]

Online dating is a totally different dynamic than real life.
It is unlikely the guy has met anyone online. At least 3 out of 4 people who date online never show up even when a meeting is arranged. I have met people online and of course come time to meet in the real world, they are busy or their car broke down. Or maybe they forgot about a consultation with the queen of England.

A lot of people just get off on talking dirty online. I had one creep who wanted to meet and sent me dirty messages daily. He also wasted minutes on my cell by calling to talk about NOTHING. Of course the day of our meet, he sent a text saying his truck broke down. Never heard from him again.

The man in question for the OP is not likely to meet anyone on a dating site because either he will flake or the person he is talking to will. Basically - you have little or nothing to worry about. If he were going to clubs it would be different but he is just sitting at home talking to random strangers with no chance of meeting so relax.

Cyber sex is still cheating IMO and plenty of taken people use these sites to have an affair. He specifically said he is looking for a sub but wants to meet first before agreeing to anything. Its naive to think he is just "talking dirty" which is still a breach of trust and v upsetting to OP