My girlfriend does not want to have sex with me!?

[mitko9503]

Hi everyone, this has been on my mind lately and i wanted to share with someone, even though anonymously.

I have been dating with my girlfriend for about 1 month, and things have been going great. We understand each other, talk on the phone for hours, and hang out all the time. She said she liked me physically from the first moment that she saw me. We study in the same school, I am 18 she is 17. We liked each other from first sight. She have had sex one time before, whereas i had it two times before. Everything was going great, until we decided to have sex.

It was she who initiated it. Everything was perfect, after school we skipped the last class and went to my place. There we started to spice things up. She grabbed my, you know what, and I started to put my finger in her. Suddenly I came, but managed to hide that from her. However, I did not erect again. We stopped and tried a couple of times again, but I did not managed to get it up.

She was very upset, and taught that it was her fault, that it didn't happened. The whole time I was telling her that it was my fault, but i did not tell her what exactly happened. We broke up for a couple of days, but i managed to fix things by making a very romantic gift that i knew that she would like. And it worked! She said she wanted to be together again.

However, she was very traumatized from what happened. I told her the whole truth for what happened by the time that we broke up, so I was 100% honest with her. However, I noticed that she was acting differently.

Today she told me that she does not want to have sex with me EVER again, but that she wants to be with me. I like her a lot so i told her that i understand, and that i accept that. However, i do not think that there is future in a relationship without sex.

So what do you think? Does she needs time to get over it? Or is everything between us over in the romantic aspect? How can i make her want me again? Also, I would appreciate your advice.

Thanks for helping me.

[4 ratties]

sorry but shes young and curious, she will find someone who will give it to her so if u dont want that to happen u gotta talk.to her about trying again.

[smackie9]

She is young and inexperienced. You can keep talking this out with her but that might cause more anxiety. Back off for a few weeks and see what happens. If nothing happens, and you got blue ball it might be time to move on. She's not ready for a sexual relationship.

[michelle23]

Your both v young and inexperienced and as a result very insecure. If you want to have a good sex life with a girl-its better to be honest from the start and not try to hide things. and go slow. There is no need for every intimate touch to automatically lead to sex. Take sex off the table for awhile and ask her is she okay with just touching so you can get to know what you both like and feel more comfortable and relaxed together before putting sex back on the menu. See how she feels about that. If she still says no, then you need to move on as shes not ready for a sexual relationship.

[searock]

Oh, sweetie. You hid the fact that you came from her because you thought it would have made you look bad, but you actually made the situation much worse, because it led her to believe that she was the reason you couldn't get it up.

First of all: there is nothing wrong with reaching orgasm earlier than expected! Especially since you are so young and inexperienced - hell, even older, more experienced guys sometimes come "too soon", especially during the first times with a new person. It's nothing to be ashamed about.

You made a quick judgment call by deciding not to let her know that you had come, and it was a really silly decision. I mean, it wouldn't have worked even if she hadn't started thinking that there was something wrong with her, because do you actually believe that coming too soon is worse than not being able to get it up? (The correct answer is that neither are bad or shameful things, I'm just proving the point that it wouldn't have served the purpose you did it for.)

What's worse, she thought it was her fault. Sleeping with a guy that suffers from erectile dysfunction can weaken the self-esteem of even mature and experienced women - imagine what it can do to an inexperienced girl of only 17! No wonder she is afraid of going through that again.

Finally, what you did was silly because… well, it was a lie. You lied to her, and as a result she felt really awful about herself. It wasn't your intention of course, but these are the facts.

It was an honest mistake sweetie - I feel so bad that society keeps teaching young people that you need to meet certain standards in bed, or else "you aren't a real wo/man" or you aren't "good enough". You never would have lied if you hadn't thought that there was anything shameful in what happened -- which there so clearly isn't.

I agree with michelle's advice: take it slow. Suggest that you don't have to go all the way for now, you can just enjoy yourselves by making out, touching each other, kissing each other, and so on. It doesn't have to happen until you both feel comfortable.

[HDBadger]

This is simple. If she doesn't want to have sex with you, that's her right. But why would you stay with someone who doesn't fulfill your needs? If you've explained the situation and she's still withholding sex from you, then you need to leave her and find someone who is more compatible with you.

You do NOT have to put up with her withholding sex and you do NOT have to fix her insecurities.

That's not your job, and it's also none of your business.

[HDBadger]

Edit to add: If sex isn't important to you, then you can obviously continue with the relationship as it is.

[Starnique]

You do NOT have to put up with her withholding sex and you do NOT have to fix her insecurities.

I agree with you there.

That's not your job, and it's also none of your business.

Totally disagree. If they are dating and she keeps denying him sex, it is his business to know what's up with that.

[michelle23]

I disagree. She is 17. They have only been together a short time. Just coz shes not ready for sex yet doesn't mean he should dump her. Building up some trust between them would be better advice to give. They have the rest of their lives to have sex. A lot of people rush into it way too fast, there are kids having babies all the time and spreading around diseases like wildfire. Take your time OP. There is no need to rush to the finish line.

[smackie9]

They are teenagers, he doesn't HAVE to find out what her problem is if he doesn't want to, and if to dump or not to dump is his personal choice.....it is not wrong or right, it will just be a choice he is willing to live with.

[KingZ]

Pfft. Why doesn't anyone ever call me sweetie?

[Wakeup]

I disagree. She is 17. They have only been together a short time. Just coz shes not ready for sex yet doesn't mean he should dump her. Building up some trust between them would be better advice to give. They have the rest of their lives to have sex. A lot of people rush into it way too fast, there are kids having babies all the time and spreading around diseases like wildfire. Take your time OP. There is no need to rush to the finish line.

I tend to read that any woman that withholds sex, uses it as a bartering tool or something to be negotiated doesn't have much of a libido to start with. Something for you to consider going forward, Op. Its one thing to have never had sex with one another to begin with, it's quite another to have had it and then start witholding it.

"They have the rest of their lives to have sex" Ask HIA about that and the woman that he thought he'd have the rest of their lives to have sex. That sex never came or very seldom materialized.

If you're not having sex with her then you're her MALEgirlfriend. Be romantic, kiss her often, seduce her and if she won't give into you, then yes dump her and find someone that doesn't want to not only not have sex with you but is so non-sexual that she denies herself as well.

Why doesn't she want sex ever? What was her exact wording? What is her reason? You came clean (pun intended) and you told her what happened so what was her excuse to you for not wanting sex with you EVER?

[searock]

I tend to read that any woman that withholds sex, uses it as a bartering tool or something to be negotiated doesn't have much of a libido to start with. Something for you to consider going forward, Op. Its one thing to have never had sex with one another to begin with, it's quite another to have had it and then start witholding it.

Key word is woman. She isn't a grown mature woman, she is only 17 and she is completely inexperienced. She isn't withholding sex to get something from him, she is simply scared and insecure - as is perfectly normal at her age.

Why doesn't she want sex ever? What was her exact wording? What is her reason? You came clean (pun intended) and you told her what happened so what was her excuse to you for not wanting sex with you EVER?

Yeah he told her what happened, but what happened happened. At the time, she didn't know that he had come. She thought there was something wrong with her because he couldn't get it up. That was a traumatizing experience and she doesn't want to go through the same thing - and right now, she is convinced that if they ever have sex again, the same thing will happen.

Which is why I think the OP should just take it slow and keep being physical with her, just keeping sex off the table for a while. They can make out, touch each other, kiss each other all over. The idea of sex terrifies her right now, so she needs some time with him, getting to know his body and her body when she's with him, etc. They need to take it slow and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Wakeup]

Key word is woman. She isn't a grown mature woman, she is only 17 and she is completely inexperienced.

I'l wait to see what she told the op why she doesn't want sex with him EVER before I comment whether or not I think her decision is due to inexperience.

She isn't withholding sex to get something from him, she is simply scared and insecure - as is perfectly normal at her age.

Like I said, I'll wait to see what op says. She is not a virgin so it's not like she's totally inexperienced.

Yeah he told her what happened, but what happened happened. At the time, she didn't know that he had come. She thought there was something wrong with her

But he cleared that up and it was after he did that she declared her and himself to be celebate. I'd like to hear timelines and the words she used to justify NEVER having sex with him again.

That was a traumatizing experience and she doesn't want to go through the same thing - and right now, she is convinced that if they ever have sex again, the same thing will happen.

That's a stretch since we haven't heard exactly what she told the OP. I's possible of course in which case I'll advise him to break up with her and find a girl that is willing to be sexual with him. One that is not afraid.

Which is why I think the OP should just take it slow and keep being physical with her, just keeping sex off the table for a while. They can make out, touch each other, kiss each other all over.

i agree with this and I've said as much.

They need to take it slow and there's nothing wrong with that.

No there isn't but IMO... She should have thought of that before she had sex with him. Op does say this:

It was she who initiated it.

If it was even intercouse we are talking about here.

BTW: Op you don't really explain how she made you orgasm... was it through intercourse or through kissing, fondling, touching and via 2nd base?

she grabbed my you know what and suddenly I came

Sounds like she means that they stop doing all that touching, fondling, kissing even since he told her what happened and she's still backing out. ???????

[searock]

He told her what happened, sure, but the trauma remains. She just needs time. Just because she isn't a virgin doesn't mean she isn't inexperienced.