Impossible love ... "broke up" :-(

[Kirsten]

Hello everyone,

I am a lesbian woman and a couple of months ago I fell in love with an african lesbian woman.
She came over here because she was persecuted in her country (homosexuality is illegal over there).
Her "asylumseekerprocedure" (or how to call it?) isn't going well ... she has gotten a negative answer and is now appealing.
Within a month or so she will find out if she is able to finally get her residents permit or not.

So ... our story ... I mett her about half a year ago ... I work with refugees and she lived in the center where I work.
Relationships between social workers and refugees are not allowed, so we actually never did anything "physical".
But there was a lot of electricity in the air, we went out a couple of times (with other refugees), we talked a lot, saw each other sometimes at her friends place etc ... We were like having a sort of "relationship" without the physical part, but our hearts where there ;-)

One time she kissed me several times on the cheek and tried to kiss me on the mouth but i pulled back. Afterwards I sended her a text that I definitely wanted to kiss her also but that it was "too risky": social worker-refugee.
But from that time we flirted like crazy and we even fell more in love than before. So at one point she kissed me in my neck and i just let her.
We didn't go any further and she told me "please have patience". At several occasions she told me she was not ready for a relationship, she has to deal with her past, she is in a new country, doesn't have any news of her family, doesn't wanna "endanger" my job and she doesn't want to get into a love relationship not knowing if she will get her residents permit or not (she explained me she doesn't wanna leave me all alone if everything turns out negative and she will have to seek refuge in another country).

So I waited ... but we still saw each other on several occassions and the chemistry between us was still "high". Two weeks ago I started crying and told her I couldn't take it anymore. I told her that we flirt all the time but she always keeps saying "be patient" ... mixed signals ... So a friend of ours told her that it's better to stop flirting and just act as friends. And from that point everything turned bad ... That same day she denied she ever flirted with me and she told me I don't understand her and that she doesn't trust me anymore. The day after she told me she is in a relationship with a woman since two months and that this woman is willing to take risqs for her, allready introduced her to her family ... My heart just crumbled ... She asked me if i would ever introduce her to my family, if i am willing to take risqs for her ... because her girlfriend does all those things. But when I analysed the last couple of months it could not be true she has a girlfriend, so she was telling lies. On top of that her friends told me they don't believe her when she says she has a gf.

One night we had a telephone conversation for a couple of hours ... she was angry and dissappointed in me ... but she kept saying she has a girlfriend and that it was too late for me and for "us". I told her I've made mistakes but I always respected her wish to "have patience". I asked her to give me a second chance to prove to her I truely love her but she told me she cannot leave her girlfriend and again "too late".

After that I've tried for a week to talk to her in person, but she became a totally different person and when I tried to have a conversation with her she just fled. Then she gotten the news she could move out of the center and go live on her own. She texted me to thank me for everything I've done for her and told me she would move out of the center. I texted her back "thank you, you're welcome. Good luck over there". A day later I decided to take time for myself because this situation was just way "too much" to handle: her lies about having a girfriend, her moving out, not wanting to give me another chance, her behaviour towards me ... So i texted her that i need time for myself and that i don't want her to text or call me. She respected that and since then (a week ago) we haven't heard from each other.

I miss her and i still love her ... but on the other hand i don't know if i can ever trust her again. She did everything to get me out of her life, including telling lies and making up stories about her "so called girlfriend". It hurts me a lot and i really don't know what I should do right now. Things were going very well for us but all of the sudden it just went downhill. If only I could turn back time :-(

Any advice? Thanks...

[smackie9]

You have to understand from her perspective, she came from a country where you can't trust anyone, not even friends or lovers. Over there the laws are unfair and the punishment is torture and then death. She is in a new safer country yes, but she can't help but have her guard up. She is trying to not mess any thing up with her immigration, because if that fails and she has to go back, that is certain death for her. That is stressful as it is. It is no fault of yours she can't trust you, it's her back ground that is making her paranoid. Different cultures, different perspectives.

At this time she is trying to protect herself, and is doing everything she feels she needs to do and that is lying about having a GF, moving away, etc. She is still in the process of re-inventing her life, and that is real tough for someone in her position. Starting a romantic relationship IMO isn't in her best interested until she gets settled into her new life. So let her go, and if she is ready, she will know where to find you.

Remember you had to do what you had to do to protect your job. Nothing worse that trying to find a decent job in this economy.

[4 ratties]

I would say just move on from this one