I Don't Know How to Handle This - Please Help?

**Bumble123** · 05-02-14, 02:28 PM

Hi
This is my first post here but I’ve been lurking for a while. I’m a bit scared to post to be honest for fear of backlash, but I’m just too down not to.

A year and a half ago I met a man through work, there was instant chemistry and from that day he’d always come over if he saw me, flirt a little (in a playful rather than sleazy way) and we got on. He told me he had a son and showed me pictures of him, and I did the same with my family (don’t have children).

This time last year he suggested we work on a project together (he’s more senior and this was helping me out). Initially he just offered me the project and when I asked who was with me, I was quite surprised it was him.

Anyway, we talked all the time during our meetings twice weekly. He’d wait hours after his shift if I couldn’t get in in time to meet him just so he could see me. Everything was great, he was all over me in public so I was so *sure* of him.

I don’t want to go into too much detail because this post will already be a tome but he would be publicly demonstrative: his arm round my waist, would walk with his hand around my neck/shoulder with my hand covering his, and getting each other coffee thing, and pushing my hair out of my eyes saying how beautiful I am, asking me if he makes me feel loved, comforting me when I had sad news by grabbing my hand and interlocking fingers with me over the reception desk, calling me in the car to talk on the way to courses, telling me seeing me first thing sets him up for the day/that it makes him happy. There’s lots more, but as I said…

Then about 3 months in I found out he was still with the mother of his child, I was gutted. I didn’t bring it up with him because I didn’t know how as everything between us was unspoken. I also questioned myself constantly thinking ‘was I reading too much into that?’ but speaking to friends and knowing in my gut, I wasn’t.

We carried on that way for another 2 months with me not really knowing what was going on, but as I’m sure is obvious, I was happy, I’d fallen in love with him pretty much immediately and with how he was behaving publicly and alone, I was *so* sure of him.

Then one day we’re in his office and he’s getting changed (just top half, if that matters), and he was ranting about being unhappy there and leaving and he says out of the blue that his girlfriend is pregnant again but he couldn’t even look at me while he said it. To save crying in public, I just walked out and downstairs to the toilets without saying anything and him shouting my name to come back. I was devastated, obviously now things had to change and we couldn’t carry on like we were. I went home and cried for 5 hours straight. Then I got a grip, put on a nice dress and went back to work to book in our other meetings. That might sound insane, but he’d destroyed me in one way, I wasn’t going to let that happen professionally too. I walked in, when the receptionist asked why I was so dressed up I told her I was going on a date. John (name changed) was around but I was trying to be as casual and collected as possible, then asked if he had his diary to book in the dates. We went into the office and he got his diary out. As he was flicking through the pages, I brought up him saying about leaving earlier that day and to move me to someone else’s project. To me that would be a get out of jail free card for him, not rock the boat at work and be able to move on as smooth as possible. That’s not how it went, however. He backtracked, looking down saying he wasn’t leaving now and there’s no need to do that and he didn’t want to not see me. I was about to ask what the hell when someone walked in so I left for my ‘date’.

Two days later I’m in reception after he’d asked me to come in and speak to him to arrange our next meeting…and a woman freezes staring at me. My gut was saying this was the girlfriend and I felt sick. I went and sat down with a friend to get myself together, as she got reception to call him from the back…I’ve never seen him run so fast, he saw me sitting there (he’d called me there, so…) and did a double take, then ran ushering her out of the building. I don’t know what happened out there, but he kept me waiting for nearly an hour and when we did speak he started an argument with me and ended up shouting at me after I asked him why he was being so odd/snappy with me. I’d also brought a friend/colleague in with me as I didn’t like the atmosphere and she saw both times he was horrible to me. We had arranged a meeting for the next morning.

The next morning I turn up and get a text 15 minutes after he was supposed to be there saying if I’m there, we’ll do the meeting and he’ll be in in 15 minutes and then we need to talk. I was very confused and when he arrived we went upstairs and he didn’t say anything so I said we’re not having a meeting and then talking and how ridiculous that was, and how he’d been sad all week and I hated seeing him like this and what was wrong. He looked down a lot and looked very sad and said that he couldn’t do this anymore, he’d do today’s meeting and the one arranged for tomorrow but after that couldn’t do this anymore and how unhappy he is. None of it really made sense the way he was talking but again, I was gutted but didn’t see how we could be around each other with a baby on the way. So I said I hated seeing him so unhappy and if that’s what he needed to do to be happier, fine…

Of course after I’d left and he had only changed his tune since his girlfriend coming in, seeing us together and now he suddenly can’t see me anymore, or, sorry, ‘this project’. I don’t blame him, but two days prior I *told* him to move me and he said no. If he’d have just been honest, what could I have said…nothing and I wouldn’t have.

I moved to another project and everything was hard but ‘ok’..until I heard from a friend there that he’d told someone he had to lie to me and pretend he wasn’t doing this project anymore but had to get rid of me because I was awkward and ‘argh’. I was fuming. I spoke to him very calmly and told him he was a big boy and could have just told me that to my face etc etc and he was very umm and ahhy asking to draw a line under it etc and generally not admitting he’d done anything verbally but just trying to get out of it. I told him not to mention my name to anyone again or even look at me.

I spoke to our big manager about it a few days later and he got into a lot of trouble. I just wanted to get on with why I was there and have nothing to do with him. I informed my manager that I’d be professional at work obviously, but beyond that I want nothing to do with him and asked him to pass that on.

At the end of that week was a leaving party for one of the staff. He was there. He never goes to these things so it threw me, but I was going to stand my ground. He approached me twice asking how I was, the second time I responded that I’d been better and walked away. It really upset me that he was trying to pretend he’d done nothing wrong and act ‘normal’. I went in Monday and although I felt sick at the thought of seeing him, I went and got through the day. Tuesday I go in and he’s there. I’m standing in the reception area and he comes over and blocks me so I can’t get around him, puts his hand on my arm saying to ‘stay there, (my name), I want to talk to you’. His domineering attitude really angered me so I responded that I didn’t have time and went to walk off, that finishing it, to me anyway.

He then follows me shouting ‘fine, be like that!’. We then had an argument (I wasn’t at work at the time, he was, I came in to sort out my pay) with him saying stop ignoring him, it’s hard for him not speaking to me etc (I was stunned he was saying these things in public anyway), so I informed him that I wasn’t ignoring him, I just have nothing to say to him. That if we were at work together, I’d be civil and professional, but if I was there (service industry) in my own time I didn’t want or need to have anything to do with him and was under the impression the manager had informed him to stay away from me.

I left visibly upset (not crying) and he stormed off to the gents as he obviously didn’t know how to handle it. I left and was informed that he crossed out his diary and went home early.

I then didn’t speak to him (we weren’t working together) for the next 7 weeks. It was hard but I felt it for the best as as I said to him, what was there to say? I’d still catch him staring at me when he thought I wasn’t looking, and sometimes when he knew I was which made things harder.

I then went for a promotion and didn’t get it with a big reason being that people were talking about me and him and the fact I wasn’t speaking to a senior member of staff (even though this man knew it was all John’s fault) and if I wanted to get on there, I’d have to speak to him. I wasn’t having him sabotage anything else for me, so I decided to speak to him. He looked shocked when I asked to speak and my aim was to keep it professional, though the second we sat down he started asking personal questions even though I tried to keep on track. It didn’t go to plan and we ended up talking a little bit more friendlier than I intended but at the end of the day, my goal was achieved.

Over the next couple of months things were difficult as that chemistry between us never disappeared, I’d still see him looking at me and if we were alone he’d try and be how we were again, doing odd things like awkwardly asking me personal questions, and pointing out I did things for the new project leader that I didn’t on his (ridiculous) and he’d noticed things, and had been asking about me (found out that through other people). It made it much harder to get over him. I asked people to stop telling me things about him and snapped a little at him when we were alone one day when he called me a nickname he used to call him, telling him not to.

To try and condense the next few months he’d talk if we were in the car park and no one else was around and rant to me like he used to about things (he doesn’t talk to people, he’s very much a macho I’m-untouchable type but is actually really insecure and has a very vulnerable side…and no, I don’t see him through rose tinted glasses, I just see all sides of him, douchebag and all).

Around October I heard more rumours about me and him and I’d had enough. I sent him a Viber saying could we meet away from work for 5 mins, nothing to worry about and won’t take long but I didn’t want to feed the viper’s nest at work. I was blocked. I didn’t really understand as the day before we’d had a nice conversation in his office and all was fine. After the weekend I spoke to him and he said his girlfriend had been through his phone, saw it was from me, read it and went ‘****ing mental’ and she’d blocked me. I explained what I’d wanted and apologised and he was fine. I felt rather odd about it as there was nothing intended in that message, and I’d got 2 people to read it before I sent it to make sure it sounded as nothingy as possible.

Anyway, as part of a promotion opportunity I need to learn a certain skill set that him and 1 other have (partially). I asked to shadow him and this other man and they both said yes. He was off on paternity leave for a while but said we’d sort it when he got back...fine.

Just before Christmas he sent me 3 texts meant for someone else, even though I replied each time and pointed out I wasn’t this person and he said he hadn’t realised. I haven’t contacted him bar a Send All merry Christmas/NYE text that I sent to everyone in my phone book. We’ve been absolutely fine.

**Bumble123** · 05-02-14, 02:29 PM

Now comes the most recent/relevant bit. Both me and him go to an event that’s on every 3 months or so. The last one I went to was in September and me and him had a conversation about it and I was actually the person who told him this event was closing down forever. The last one was the last weekend of January this year. There was a mess up with the way the tickets were released and they were sold out before they were supposed to have been put on sale.

About 3 weeks ago we were talking in his office about the event and looking at the line up and looked online for tickets for me. Everything was fine. I spoke to the friend I go with afterwards saying how sad I was we couldn’t go. Later that day she tells me she’s been offered tickets. I sent him a text asking how much were tickets face value as we wanted to know the mark up. He didn’t reply. My friend bought us the tickets for £150 to try and cheer me up after a really traumatic time (relative very ill in hospital and won’t recover).

The Thursday before the event we spoke briefly about work, then a personal situation to which he said he’d ask his girlfriend for her help for me and let me know once he’s spoken to her. Right, fine.

Cut to the night itself. Myself and my friend are there having a nice time. About 2 hours in we’re in a crowded corridor, and right next to me is John and his girlfriend. She doesn’t see me, but me and him lock eyes, I nod in acknowledgement and he looked to the floor as we walked past each other. A little odd, but whatever…

About 30-40 mins later my friend and I are sitting on the sofas talking to a group of people. I glance up and see them both walking past holding hands and I carry on talking to the group. When she saw me she stopped, with him trying to pull her away. I couldn't resist saying something when I saw her. She stood in front of me and told started pointing at me shouting in my face that ‘I need to get a life’ and ‘get a grip’ and ‘to stay away from him’ etc.

I said nothing initially, just sat there looking really confused. Then they went to walk off with her still shouting at me, and I got up at tapped John on the shoulder and asked him what the hell and she'd not done anything. He shouted at her to **** off and **** off and leave him alone at work too. She was shoving me in the arm telling me to get a life and to stay away from them, let ‘it’ go and get over ‘it’, and I kept with the confused face saying I had done nothing and then went and sat back down.

I sat back down and burst into tears in shock. I sent him a text saying I don’t know WTF that was or where it came from but I didn’t deserve it and I’m in tears and it ruined my night. It was crazy. Considering the last time we spoke he was asking her for help for me and the next thing I have her shoving me and screaming at me…I don’t even know what to do. He stood there the entire time about 5 foot behind her, eyes down glued to the floor looking really sad/down.

I went in on the following Monday and he wasn’t there. Since Tuesday I’ve been in hospital with a sudden illness so I’ve not been there/seen him. I was going to ask him WTF in person, but then my mum has talked me out of it as she rightly pointed out, I never actually want to speak to him again. I just don’t know how to handle things when I go back. The place is like gossip central and I’m dreading that. I don’t understand why she’s shouting at me, either. Nothing has happened in 7 months and he has been nice/friendly to me since.

I don’t really know what he expected having that happen. He’s obviously been one way with me and told her some double narrative. I can understand her being angry with me (though he should get most of it) but 7 months ago, not screaming those things at me at a public event.

I don’t know how to handle going in to work or being around him. I understand the first part of this wasn’t great on my part either, but please bare in mind how fragile I am at the moment and that I was the one who told him to leave me alone.

What would you do in my ridiculous situation?