I don't know what I feel

[Wolfdroid]

Hi, I'm a twenty one year old woman trying to work out what I feel for a male friend, the main problem is I have no experience to work from since I've never had a boyfriend, gone on a date or even be asked out. We met a few months ago at the university chess club and 'cos I was a complete beginner he asked for my number so we cold meet up for him to teach me. As he's also into escapology, or more precisely being tied up and seeing if he can escape within a time limit or face a forfeit, so we ,well mainly he, decided to meet up at my home to practice since tying one another up in a public place would probably attract unwanted attention. We've kept meeting up as well as going to the chess club and since his home is in the same direction as mine he often gives me a lift back when it's late at night. Over the past month or two I have noticed a change in my feelings. Usually I am a very apathetic, solitary individual who can go for a long time without human interaction yet I find myself craving his company. When I'm on facebook I really like chatting with him and I feel sad when he hasn't answered my messages (I mean by days not by minutes or hours) and at chess I always look to see if I can find him. I also find his company very relaxing. However as I have already said I tend to float around in a bubble of apathy and any feelings I do have tend to dissipate rapidly. For that reason and the lack of experience with guys I don't know whether he would be amiable to being more than friends. Also, in matters of politics we are quite opposed, he's a liberal and I'm fairly right wing and I'm not sure how much we have in common except chess, escapology and some movies.
In summation I'm just wondering how to characterise my feelings and whether I should look closer at pursuing my friend.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

Not that I'm a therapist and such, and take this with a grain of salt ... or ask others on this ... but why not just let it evolve? Enjoy what time you do spend with him, but do other things to make yourself happy in the meantime. Don't 'wait' during the 'long' times he takes to get back to you. At 21, you're still too young to think about getting married. Stats seem to say women should experience life, themselves and guys during the twenties, and maybe think about trying a marital relationship when they are in their thirties. Forget about the culture pressure that you 'should' get married in your twenties or sooner.

Some cautions that jump out at me ... what's with the tying up thing? Reminds me of some CSI episode. Hopefully, he doesn't turn out to be a real freak and sicko who ties you up to harm you in any way. Just saying ... that kind of thing stands out as a caution, as does his not responding to you for days at a time ... unless he thinks that's a game he needs to play to 'attract' you more.

A difference in politics can either be interesting or a deal breaker. It depends on how important 'politics' are to either of you. All relationships have their challenges. It's just a matter of how you respond to them ... either taking them seriously because they annoy the heck out of you, or taking them less seriously, because they are not that big of a deal in the larger scheme of life and things.

In sum, I'd say count him among one the more friends you can make for now, and make it a point to meet other guys you can hang out with, perhaps in a group setting. Try joining an interesting group in something like Meet Up or something like that.

[Wolfdroid]

Thanks for the quick reply, I don't want to get married just yet I'm simply curious about dating as I tend to 'friendzone' every guy I meet. As for the tying up it's just harmless fun, believe me I was juts as cautious when he asked if he could come over for us to tie each other up, the forfeits just tickling and I've escaped every time bar one. It's mainly him being trussed up like a turkey. The not replying is a bit of a pain though, especially when it's him who starts the conversation.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

You're welcome.

If I may say something more ...

I'm not sure there's anything wrong with 'friend zoning' every guy, as you say. Seems like it's in your best interest to do that when you meet them. You'll learn more about guys that way, as compared to mixing it up with being 'lovers' or having sex early on. Do you think that getting to the 'lover' / sex part is required? Or, do you think you are less of a person if you don't get to it? Not at all. In fact, it's much more respectable when you proceed to that with someone who's proven worth it.

I mean, in my experience as a guy with having sex with a good number of girls and women ... it's kind of empty or regrettable when you eventually find you don't really like the person after all the initial head spinning passes from the infatuation and curiousness to find out what they are all about. It took me a while to learn that, plus being a guy with a hormone-driven body didn't help. For some guys (most?), having sex is a often just a notch in the belt, something to brag to your so-called 'buddies' about. On the other hand, it's icing on the cake with someone you have found over time that you truly like them. With the 'guy' friends, observe them in various 'life as usual' situations ... in other words, how they act when they face frustration situations, how they treat others in different situations, especially the trying times ... things like that.

Heart plays a big part in any relationship, and it's a key reason to keep a relationship and work hard on keeping it healthy, or to let a relationship go. But the head is more important. I like to consider what I 'think' about a relationship as my internal 'parent,' telling me what's good for me, or not.

As for the tying up ... hmmm, just seems beyond my comfort zone. It just takes that one time you can't get untied where the guy can do what he wants ... well, if it's pleasurable, fine, but if it's harmful, that's not cool.

It's his not replying when he starts the conversation that strikes me as odd.

I'd suggest you frame this relationship in the 'trial' category, and be vigilant to situations that put you at risk, as you continue to 'friend' other guys who can be just friends for now. The ones who don't want to be just friends and let thing evolve naturally over time ... who want to get to the body / sex part quickly ... are probably not the ones you want to keep in your circle of friends.

Plus, it can't hurt to talk things over with a girlfriend. Have some gal friends, right?

[lovewhisperer]

Thanks for the quick reply, I don't want to get married just yet I'm simply curious about dating as I tend to 'friendzone' every guy I meet. As for the tying up it's just harmless fun, believe me I was juts as cautious when he asked if he could come over for us to tie each other up, the forfeits just tickling and I've escaped every time bar one. It's mainly him being trussed up like a turkey. The not replying is a bit of a pain though, especially when it's him who starts the conversation.

If the time is right, and is fitted for both of you. Even if you deny it, love will come.

[Can_I_be_wiser?]

Hey Wolfdroid, are you there? Or, are you all tied up? : )) What's been going on?

[Wolfdroid]

Nothing's really changed, we arranged to meet up on the weekend but he didn't show up. A few hours later he messaged to say that he'd stayed out with friends all night and hadn't got back until four in the morning (we were going to meet at ten). I managed to get my own back but it was a bit of a flop. In terms of emotions I'm getting naffed off as I can't get him out of my head and I keep gravitating towards love songs which I usually avoid like the plague. Not sure whether it's worth it trying to meet up with him again as it's the second time in a row that he's blown me off but I really want to see him again. To be honest, at this point I wish we could either move forward with in person communication rather than facebook or my feelings would evaporate and I could move on that way.
Thanks for your continued interest Can_I_be_wiser