Two woman and a man. Help!!!

[shangfin]

I'm a little besides myself and generally scratching my head. I just don't understand this situation that I am about to explain.

This is a woman to woman relationship - so for any homophobes please be respectful and move on.

I have been in a relationship with a woman for almost the past year, there has been two consistent areas of contention in our relationship, 1 that I don't need to go into and 1 that I do. When we first got together she was friends with a man (I am a woman) for who she worked for. Very shortly before she told me she was dating an older woman who I later found out to be this man (her part time boss). When we started dating she was still hanging out with him, telling me how she sleeps over at his house it means nothing as they're just friends, how she finds spanking paddles in his bed and other unnecessary information, she would run over to his place in the middle of the night to tend to him when he fell off his bike and rush off to see him when we were on our dates as just friends, and in addition get drunk and high with him, sending him bong pictures and flirting on Facebook with him (she is 27). To me I am certain that something was still going during the early days of our relationship.

This man got arsy when he realised we were going out and started being off with her, she still proclaimed that they were friends. His behaviour became increasingly immature. She would use me to make him jealous to get paid and when he was being immature. I had pulled her up on this several times, telling her that i found her behaviour inappropriate if she was seeing me. She realised he had feelings for her and for the sake of our relationship she cut ties with him. There have been many occasions where this man is used against me in an argument, I pulled her up on this, it is cruel and it has stopped for the last couple of months.

We have our ups and downs like most couples, but I love and care for her deeply. We recently split up over something unrelated and decided to get back together. Only the other night I told her that this man makes me upset and angry as i suspect she was fooling around with him at the start of our relationship. She had told me she went to his studio recently to pick up some of her old flowers, when she was telling me this she was also cursing him for being an arse and off. I accepted the situation, she went to get her things, fine.

Whilst face to face in bed a few days ago in a state of happiness and bliss I ask her "Whether she would like to talk about anything else?". She replies "That she would like to start talking to xxx man again". I was shocked at her insensitivity, I find it a highly inappropriate thing to ask whilst in bed when we've just reconciled! I am shocked by her level of disrespect for our relationship. I ask her why she is asking me that, she does not respond. I ask him if she misses him very calmly. She does not respond. I am very calm at this point. I push for an answer, nothing comes. I then completely lose it (anger is very bad) and start shouting, to which she starts shouting back. Yes she misses him. She misses getting drunk with him. They were friends for 10 months and only ****ed for a month (though she said 1 week originally!!). I ask her if she misses smoking with him, no response and then she blurts out "we used to do coke together too". I scream at her "why is she saying this shit now, right now, in that moment, that she is ****ed up". Again I know that anger is not good, she is very provoking and at no point did she realise that what she was saying was a very disrespectful and inappropriate thing to say to your partner. After all the anxiety and stress it has caused in the relationship, why is it not easy to walk away from this person when the basis of their 'friendship' was always murky, they have history and I believe things may have been going on at the start of our relationship.

My question to you all, what do you think of this situation? Is this inappropriate behaviour? Am I overreacting? Thanks so much for your help.

[michelle23]

You should have realized from the beginning this girl is bi and therefore will never be fully monogamous. Either share her with this man or dump her.

This is another example of why ignoring red flags in the beginning is not good

[4 ratties]

the fact that u mentioned drugs changes my answer a bit..drugs, especially serious harmful ones like coke, is addicting and when u are addicted to getting high and drunk, you put everything else after it. she may be just missing the drugs and lifestyle. she feels safe and comfy doing the drugs and drinking with him obviously. maybe he supplies it free to her when they hang. she mentioned coke so maybe its on her mind again. does she do drugs around you? all of this really doesnt matter though shes disrespecting you and has cheated and lied and is now telling you to your face that she wants to do it again. you can find better than this crap. a cheating, lying alcoholic drug addict. id pass on this one.

[shangfin]

Thank you Michelle for your response. You're right I did ignore many red flags and I am partly to blame for being in this situation. She told me she was gay and going through a confusing time with women and wanted to try with men. But this guy was around for months into our relationship and she was staying at his (saying they were just friends and she sleeps over as a friend) etc and exchanging inappropriate messages.

[passco]

Even if she does not have a drug problem, this is not a relationship I feel you should be working to salvage. If she hasn't already cheated, the opportunity is there and he wants it, too. You're right, she has no respect for your relationship or you. He clearly means a lot to her as she can't just let go.

If you stay and try to fix this/her, you will suffer and speaking as someone who tried that before, it's not worth that kind of self destruction. It's so hard to fix yourself after you let someone damage you that badly.

[Lord Darkshire]

From what I see she is a manipulator. She isn't the type that is monogamous, and you can't force someone to be monogamous no matter how wonderful you make the relationship with them. Her real problem is that she is a liar, and she feels self entitled to do whatever. She picks out certain people to have relationships with that are weak, and easily to manipulate so she can have control over them. Most people would have walked away after the first evidence of the lying had surfaced. If you are not being treated the way you expect to be treated, it's time to go.

[Wakeup]

What makes you think that you're even exclusive? Was it YOUR assumption? Did you actually have a talk asking her to be your exclusive partner or did you just go back to her as a fk buddy with unvoiced expectations that she knows nothing about. She's hardly in this for the same reasons you are. If I were you, I'd stop being her itch scratcher, her place to go when she wants a woman while he's the place to go when she wants a man.

You're not her "partner." You're just a one part of her tri-ad by all accounts.

[woody]

yeah, sorry your going through this. I think its more the drugs than the human connection with this guy. Especially if it's coke as well.
You just have to ask yourself, are you willing to give your heart to someone that seems incapable of giving wholeheartedly to you? She may be bi but this is no excuse for going outside a relationship. It would be different if the two of you decided together to bring a man into the bedroom for a night here and there, someone new to both of you and someone you never see again.
Sharing isn't easy. I can see why your alarmed. I'd go crazy if I had a girl and she was going off to a man now and then even if it was just to hang out. If they slept together before, my comfort level would be even less.
Talk to her.
If she knows how uncomfy it makes you yet continues to venture out, well, there's you answer. Won't be easy but sounds like you need a one woman kind of girl, someone who only needs you.
self love lady
good luck

[pollock]

She lied to you from the very beginning. She told you that HE was a SHE. She hangs out with him one-on-one without you!! What in this scenario makes you think that this woman is going to be your LIFEmate?

This is NOT a relationship of love, respect, companionship and harmony. She likes to party, she lies, she manipulates people to get what she wants and is insensitive to the needs of the people she claims to care about.

What is it about this girl that you just can't be without? How old are you?

[shangfin]

Thank you all for your posts. Some were very helpful. The whole thing is over with now, I won't say I'm not upset and hurt and I don't miss this person, but it is for the best. This person is a liar, manipulator and who knows probably does like men since she is pining after this one so much and will rub it in my face at any given opportunity. Lessons learnt, I will find somebody who is respectful, knows what they want, isn't a liar nor manipulator. Thank you.

[pollock]

Chin up, be kind to yourself. This is a REALLY unhealthy relationship and you'll be better without it. Find somebody who is honest, doesn't play games with your emotions, respects you and the needs of the relationship. As well as somebody who is serious about you/ relationship and gets these elementary things - it's a JOKE!!