Sex-less Relationship

[FengLung]

Hello, here's my situation...

My fianc� & I have been together for a little over a year, we recently had a baby early this last December (2 months old now). It seemed as soon as she found out she was pregnant, our sex life took a dive- big time! We went from making love at least once a week, to every other week, to once a month- 3 months... For 6 months out of a year we were together we only made love twice (much to my emotional pain)! Now I do understand that while she was pregnant there was a lot of hormone changes going on, her body was fighting her in ways that I just wouldn't understand, so I was really patient & understanding of what she was going through, so I didn't push her to have sex, only when or if she wanted to (which really was few & far between). Even after having our baby I waited patiently for her to feel up to being with me, when she felt healed enough, & well enough. Now she isn't in any more pain from child birth, she's even lost more then her baby weight gain so her body image has been great! She's moving well, feeling good, looking good! I really could not be happier for her progress! & I've told her as much. We decided not to have any more kids, so I took the bullet & got a vacectomy so that she wouldn't have to be in anymore pain after just healing from the c-section.
In all this lately we only made love twice, once the day before my vasectomy, & the day after. Both times it was really good sex, & I truly believe that she was in a lot of pleasure during. So not much changed as far as quality of our love making. The problem I'm having is that it's going back into the few & far between mode, I've tried several times to initiate sex, just to be turned down. I do my best not to show emotional disappointment so as to not upset her for not wanting to make love with me, but it does hurt emotionally. It really just feels like she isn't passionate towards me, attracted to me, or interested in any kind of sexual relationship with me! The last time this happened with a woman, she ended up cheating multiple times, destroying a 13 year marriage!... I truly love the woman I'm with, with all my heart, she is the One for me! I just want her to want me, befor it turnes into another situation where she cheats too! That would actually break my heart, & I would never be able to recover from it! Maybe I'm doing something wrong, please help!?

[ivory_eyes]

Pregnant women often feel unattractive during their pregnancy. And hormonal changes don't help either, yeah. After baby comes, it takes time for the body to recover. Even after the baby weight is gone, women still tend to feel unattractive. It's normal not to want sex. Adding to that, there's this little creature who just came into this world and even though both his parents adore him/her, there's a lot of stress and exhaustion there. Newborns need a lot of care which leaves little to no room for other things. In many case women don't feel like having sex up to 6 months after childbirth! So you need to be more patient.

In the meantime give her other kinds of affection. Spoil her with thoughful gifts, love notes, massages, making her dinner and breakfast in bed and of course, helping with the baby. Make her feel special for being with you and having a child with you. Make her feel loved and make her feel sexy without actually telling her that. It will mean a lot and she will "warm up to you" more easily.

Overall, you shouldn't feel threatened. I'm sure she does want you. She's probably just tired and needs more time to feel sexy like she did before. Motherhood changes you. Giver her few more months. She deserves it.

If you continue feeling bad about the situation, you could try organising a get-away weekend for the two of you. Ask someone to watch the baby while you reconnect with her.

[basilandthyme]

I think you're not understanding the emotional demands on a woman at this stage of motherhood. I recall having a baby and not being interested in sex. Why? Because after all the demands the baby was making on my body and emotions, I just simply couldn't give any more. I was all gived out. At that time, the only thing I wanted was a few unbroken hours of sleep. Someone is likely to suggest getting a babysitter. But let me tell you that if there had been a babysitter, all I would have wanted was to have dinner prepared for me and to sleep.

May I suggest you give back to her. Rub her shoulders. Made dinner for her. Do a load of washing or ironing. If the baby takes formula, do the midnight feeds. Do all of this *without* initiating sex. At this point in time, she needs to receive without expectations of having to give sex.

And to be clear, having sex is an act of giving. Even if one is on the receiving end of pleasure, they are still having to give your body to someone else for a bit.

[HDBadger]

You don't have to go without sex. Nor do you have to go above and beyond to get sex. Her vagina isn't some magic
prize you get after you've been the perfect husband for a month.

Assuming you are showing her love, it's time to have a talk with her. If she refuses or brushes off your concerns, you should consider therapy together. If time passes and this is still going on and she
makes no effort to improve, you need to consider whether this relationship is for you.

There are a lot of women, unfortunately, who will deprive their men of sex after marriage or children
have happened because the men are essentially trapped. You don't have to be one of those trapped men.

[Mattiemae]

Really we don't know the motivations or intentions of your wife, so we shouldn't assume, or draw conclusions. You stated she just had a baby. Hormones are different. Lifestyle has changed. There is also the possibility of post pardum depression. Really you need to talk to your wife, and ask her what is truly bothering her, or even if their is a problem at all. Perhaps she is just tired, adjusting, adapting, and trying to figure out how to balance being a sexy wife, mother, and meet everyone's needs besides her own.

[michelle23]

You wernt together long before she got pregnant so therfore you dont know what her "normal" sex drive is.. apparantly it can take up to 6 months for hormones to go back to normal after having a baby. I think you should be patient for now-shes likely exhausted.

If things dont improve in the next few months-then you need to tell her how you feel. Have an honest, frank discussion and tell her sex is important to you.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Take marriage off the table until this is resolved. If you marry her now, the frequency of sex will plummet even more, AND you will be stuck. Do you have a date set already?

[FengLung]

No date set, & we weren't gonna get married just cuz we were having a kid. But I did ask her to marry me before we found out

[basilandthyme]

Perhaps she is just tired, adjusting, adapting, and trying to figure out how to balance being a sexy wife, mother, and meet everyone's needs besides her own.

^^ This. Meeting everyone's needs except her own very much describes how I felt when my baby was little.

Oh and the sleep deprivation. And having to be available for work demands 24/7. And active duty of probably 15+ hours a day. And the giving, giving, giving....endless giving.

And did I mention being terrified about having anything near my vagina for a few months? It took a few aborted attempts at sex before I could trust that it wasn't going to hurt.

To the guys who think there's something wrong with her, there isn't. This is simply what motherhood looks like for new mothers.

[Mattiemae]

Just for what it's worth, wrote this awhile back! Take what you want and leave the rest!

Why we shouldn’t base relationships on sexual attraction.

1. You should have a healthy concept of your own sexual identity. You should understand your self worth is not based on how attractive you are to another person. You should feel beautiful and confident about your body and who you are.

2. We should never confuse real love with sexual attraction and lust. There are too many women and men out there that lose the sacredness of having a healthy loving relationship with someone because they want to feel the self gratification of good sex in the moment. Who doesn’t like to have good sex? The scary part is until you really get to know your partner and what he/she is about, you could find yourself with a man that does cheat, or have unhealthy or abusive sexual behaviors. Why, because he can be addicted to pornography, BDSM, be a swinger or have fantasies that are unhealthy in the bedroom if you’re not in agreement. While we can be attracted to someone physically, and how they appear on the outside, we have a tendency to only be visual. We can lose ourselves in the moment because of hormones and the sense of being physically attracted.

3. It’s important to be aware that when it comes to sexual intimacy people can have their hangups. They can also have self-esteem issues and how they feel about their bodies.

4.Most of the time when people lose interest in sex, both people want too share the same experience. Sometimes it is miscommunication. Communication and talking about sex openly and honestly you can understand what is going on in your relationship.

5.We should never end a relationship because someone doesn’t show interest sexually without finding out the reason first. Most of the time it maybe just because two people are angry at eachother and have other issues to work out with a counselor. There will always be times during a relationship where there will be sex and not sex. If you ask any married couple that have been married for 50 years they will tell you the exact same thing. You cannot base a relationship on how much sex you have in a particular amount of time.

6. We all come from different backgrounds, cultures, religions,and families that have given us a healthy or unhealthy perspective on sexual relationships. It is important to explore these beliefs and your partners have about sex so both partners have a comfortable and healthy perspective.

7.The final thing you should think about is many events occur in our lives without warning. We can have parkinson’s disease, cancer, Ms, or many other illnesses. We may not be able to fulfill or partners needs for these reasons. We shouldn’t leave someone because of this reason. There are man reasons that people may not perform sexually in our lives.

9. If you are searching for a long term relationship, and real love you will never base your relationship on sex, your self worth, or self identity. While sex is a beautiful thing to share with someone, perhaps it is worth waiting for the right person that has a healthy balance and perspective of sexuality, rather then being used or misguided because of our outer appearance, or sexual gratification.

10.)Keep in mind Sexuality can become addictive, abusive, and unhealthy as any other area of our lives. Be cautious of why you are seeking out a sexual relationship with someone, and whether they are healthy or abusive in nature.

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[Shivangi]

Have a little more patience and things will be normal soon. Having a small baby in your hands is very demanding. I have never wanted sex at all for the first 6 months after birth! But I did have needs for being cuddled, a shoulder massage would have been very much welcome. Wished my husband would take care of the little one while I could just catch up on some sleep.

Keep showing your love in the other ways mentioned in above posts, soon she will be back with you for sex too.

[loverocker]

love her, care her.

[FlaCooln]

Baby in December...Give her time man. Birth is the most natural/unatural and beautiful yet gross thing I have ever witnessed. I have heard the only thing that comes close for a man painwise is passing a gall or kidney stone, which I'm sure can't truely compare. The way I look at it, if I had to deliver another humanbeing out of my body I probably wouldn't want sex for quite awhile after....then add getting no sleep to the mix.

Do the little things for her like others have already suggested. I think she will slowly come around, but on her time (not yours).