"She can't be with a guy who has a kid" Is there any way to turn this around, guys?

[SingleDad1234]

Hello everyone, I'm hoping maybe there's another guy out there that's been through something similar and can give me some advice...

I'm a 33-year-old single father with a 6-year-old daughter. I was in a relationship with a 25-year-old for the better part of a year, until things went south around last October. We've continued to talk since then, but she's never been able to make the jump back into a relationship with me.

We were talking earlier this week, when she tells me she has 'rules' she made for herself, which really boiled down to, "I can't be with a guy who has kids." (Although we dated for months while she knew I had a daughter.) She admits that she broke this 'rule' when she started seeing me, because, "I was different, mature and treated her right." She continues to show signs of jealousy, and gets upset when she thinks I'm ignoring her...although calling her out on these tendencies usually leads to her denying it. During our last talk, she said, "It's nothing to do with your looks, personality, or anything like that."

The root of all of this narrows down to the fact that I have a child...

I've been a single parent for five years, and I've never introduced my daughter to another woman I was seeing. I've always wanted to keep that for a time I knew she was comfortable meeting my daughter. The woman in question had never been around my daughter in a smaller setting. There were a couple of times we were at the same place, but it was in a large crowd and I kept my daughter's distance from her, because I knew she had some hesitancy towards it. But as the months passed, it felt like we were truly getting to a point where her meeting my daughter might happen.

I understand how people grow up with visions of what they want life and love to be. But sometimes love comes in a totally different capacity than you ever imagined, and not when you expected it to arrive on your door. It wasn't my plan to be a single parent, but that's a reality for me now. It wasn't her plan to fall in love with me, I'm sure, but it happened. She says, "I want you in my life, but we can only be friends." The problem with that is, we're not friends. There's too much between us to be just friends...

I know of her past relationships and know she's been treated poorly in the past. I know she's scared about being involved deeply with someone, and the issue of my child is a roadblock for her. But is there any way to make her see that we can have a healthy relationship...or even a marriage and family, with me having a prior child?

[Mattiemae]

I would say probably she wants the relationship, but she doesn't want the responsibility of someone else's child. Fortunately there are woman that don't mind taking on a relationship with another woman's child, but let me give you some advice from my own experiences. If the woman stays with you and don't like the child, the child suffers and get's abused either emotionally, mentally, physically, or spiritually. Maybe all the above at the same time. Woman do get jealous of another woman's child, and resent them sometimes. I don't want to scare you, but if the warning signs are already there, let her go. There is a woman out there that will love you and your child. Most likely she can't walk into your life until you close the door on this one.

[SingleDad1234]

Thanks for your reply. I've tried explaining to her that I'm not looking for a new mother for my child. Plus...not that I'm happy about it, but I have my daughter maybe 10-12 days a month. It's not a full-time parenting situation for myself, unfortunately. My child's mother and I do get along well when it comes to parenting and have always been able to work around changes in schedules, needing to switch weekends, etc. It was my ex's choice to end the relationship, so I wouldn't anticipate her trying to interfere between us. Although we've encountered a couple of untimely incidences where she called when we were together. It wasn't intentional, but it was received as such by the significant other.

The woman I've been with does like attention and does get jealous easily. I've tried my best to assure her that she's a top priority in my life, but even tiny things like social media posts from other women on my Facebook feed seem to trigger her envy. She's made mention that "there would always be another woman involved." I understand all of her concerns and worries when it comes to the child and that factor of the relationship. But is it unrealistic to think we couldn't work through these things, if we did it together?

[Starnique]

Just move on. She's not the one for you. It doesn't matter how much you want it to work, if she doesn't want to date a guy with a child she has that right. You said she has jealous traits, be happy that you realized these terrible signs about her early on. You have a GIRL child and if your woman is acting like that, there will always be this constant battle. Trust me, you don't want to have to deal with that and you don't want your daughter to experience or feel like someone has a hard time accepting her and is jealous about you and her relationship. I experienced that with my mom and her husband and it wasn't pretty. I'm the one that suffered the most. To me its an easy decision. I know you like this chic but you have a child, will always be her father and if she cant accept that or is showing signs of being so insecure with herself that she's jealous over something like this, then you need to pay attention to these warning signs. If someone gave me any impression at all that they had an issue about my kid, they'd be out. Period. There's another woman out there that's more compatible, loving and accepting of your current situation. It takes a special person to deal with certain situations that you have going on in your life. You have to know when the person is not the one. Move on.

Relationships are going to have issues from time to time, but your child should never be one of them.

[Mattiemae]

If it was only that simple. Like in my case my father married the woman twice. He gave up his rights to me after she showed all her jealousy. When I did walk back into their lives 11 years later, and 43 years later the woman hasn't changed her feelings about me one bit. Even if I have two half brothers that are her son's. Fortunately the issues go far deeper than what you can work out from her own childhood and past relationships.

Some people can change, some can't. I don't know the woman, but I can tell you on a daily basis around the world children are abandoned, abused, and pay the price in the long run over relationships where the woman is jealous of the child and past relationship. If she is jealous over messages with other woman, this means she's very insecure about herself, and really sooner or later you will get sick of it. There are some people you can work things out with, and there are others you can't. She would have to mature emotionally, mentally, and spiritually in alot of ways.

[Starnique]

Thanks for your reply. I've tried explaining to her that I'm not looking for a new mother for my child.

You messed up right there. Why would you even want someone who wants to be with you and act like your child is not part of the equation? Suppose you got real serious with this woman and eventually got married to her or whatever, your daughter already has her natural mother...yes. However, you would want a loving, nurturing person around your child. Someone that don't mind filling in and at least has some maternal instinct. Someone that can be a good addition to your life and your child's. The reality is, its not all about her and you don't need to let her think it is. Yes, it should be an equal balance where no one is lacking. I get that and agree with that. But do you really want someone like her?

If I was your ex, I wouldn't want this woman around my child.

[vashti]

Having been a step-parent (and step mother, and step child) I can tell you that she is RIGHT to be concerned. Your daughter is still very young, but she won't be forever... teenagers are notoriously difficult. Step-parenting is TOUGH, much more difficult than parenting your own child. I do not recommend it for anyone who hasn't parented their own children first.

If you really care about what's good for this woman, respect her decision.

On the other hand, I do not think it wise for you to stay in contact with her while you still have feelings for one another. It's just pouring salt into the wound.

[smackie9]

Her preference makes total sense because she is thinking in the long term. Sure a relationship right at this moment is great, you are enjoying each others company BUT what about 2 or 3 years down the road when marriage on the table? You can't keep your child in the closet that whole time, it's not fair to hope she will warm up to the idea of being a step mom.

She's is very emotionally attached to you in a unhealthy way, and you are not helping because you want her back, and she knows this isn't what she wants. She's still tying to get over it and stick to her plan. She knew this was a bad decision on her part to proceed with this relationship, now she is having trouble emotionally leaving it.

The reality of this is, is that you need to let her go and find someone who would be suitable for YOUR future and your daughter's. The dating game is different for a single parent, you can't date like you are single, you are a package deal and it needs to be presented as such. If you want someone to be a part of your life, they need to be a part of your daughter's life as well and there is no other way around it. This girl wants not part of that so there is no reason to put more energy into something that isn't going to work out.

[Starnique]

Having been a step-parent (and step mother, and step child) I can tell you that she is RIGHT to be concerned. Your daughter is still very young, but she won't be forever... teenagers are notoriously difficult. Step-parenting is TOUGH, much more difficult than parenting your own child. I do not recommend it for anyone who hasn't parented their own children first..

I can understand that aspect of it but that's not this woman's concern. She is jealous of his relationship with his daughter and any other woman she think is getting in her way. She will be the bad guy in this picture and if he cared about his daughter, he'd get rid of this woman. You're a package deal and you want somebody who will accept that. Make no apologies about it.

[SingleDad1234]

Thanks again to all of you for your replies, I do appreciate your conversation and insight. Maybe I haven't played all the cards right and said all the right things, but I haven't been this involved with someone since becoming a single parent...so it's partially uncharted territory, and even though I've been a single parent for five years, I'm still learning a lot about trying to date as a single parent.

What I tried getting across with the "I'm not looking for a new mother" comment was that I wasn't intending on her taking the full burden of being 'mom'. I wanted to her understand she wasn't walking into a situation, like I encountered in a previous try at a relationship, where the mom tried forcing her kids onto me in a very large role, very quickly because their real father had no interaction with them. (I didn't explain it like that to her in those exact words, but that's the backstory of why I tried explaining it to her in that manner.) I'd always wanted to introduce my daughter when it felt like a comfortable situation.

The fact that I have a daughter wasn't hidden. I regularly talked about her, and she would ask several questions about her. For the longest while, it genuinely didn't seem like she had a problem with me having a child, so I didn't think anything of it. It was only until several months down the road that it came into issue.

[Mattiemae]

Everything will tell in time anyway. Really these are just eye openers to red flags. Take your time and don't be in a hurry. Usually everything works out the way it's supposed too whether it turns out for the positive or negative. You should really already know inside the answer about this woman. We usually do all along, we just don't trust our own judgements and intuition.

[basilandthyme]

She continues to show signs of jealousy, and gets upset when she thinks I'm ignoring her...although calling her out on these tendencies usually leads to her denying it.

Going slightly off topic: You say that she was treated poorly in past relationships. Considering these traits you mentioned, have you considered that her exes may have a very different interpretation of events?

Anyway, just be careful going forward with someone who exhibits these traits and can't admit it.

[SingleDad1234]

I have wondered that, on occasion, basilandthyme. She has told me some more significant things that have happened to her, but I would say it's probably unfair to assume she was treated poorly in every other relationship. She claims that, "every guy I've been with has left me."

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Sacrifice your daughter to Hades, then live happily ever after with old girl.

[basilandthyme]

I have wondered that, on occasion, basilandthyme. She has told me some more significant things that have happened to her, but I would say it's probably unfair to assume she was treated poorly in every other relationship. She claims that, "every guy I've been with has left me."

If you're quoting her correctly, the phrase "every guy I've ever been with has left me" is alarming in itself. Firstly for the 'victim mentality' which the wording displays. It's like she sees herself as being wronged by the exes..... as opposed to simply having had relationships which didn't work out.

Second, it begs the question "why?" Has she ever told you why they left? And if so, is she capable of seeing fault in her own actions? Personally, I'd be very hesitant to date anyone who tells me that all of their previous partners have left them.