Family in a deep trouble due to sister in law...need sincere advice from you all

[mysteriouseyes]

Dear friends. The situation I am going to explain is kind of complicated. The things I will mention are more related to our culture and I am an Indian.

We are 4 siblings and I am eldest. I am 29 years old and my brother is one year younger to me. He was married 4 years ago to an Indian girl who went to UK 3 years before marriage. When she came to India, her marriage was arranged with my brother(in our culture marriges are always arranged by parents). They met before finalising the relationship, dated each other and said yes. So finally got married. She was very nice to all of us before getting married. My dad was bank manager then and we were doing financially well. I was working so does my brother. My mom is a house wife and younger siblings go to school.

They got married and they lievd in india at my Dad’s house for one month. This is when situation started getting worst. In Indian culture when a new bride comes home, in laws present her some jewellery and money at different occasions such as when she will cook for first time etc. So my mom gifted her nice dresses (my mom never bought so beautiful clothes for herself or for us sisters). She presented some jewellry to her too. When they were about to leave for UK. One day she packed all her stuff and took to his dad’s house in india and gifted all expensive clothes to her sisters and cousins. She wore it only once. My mom dad’s feelings were hurt. They gifted it to her with so much emotions and she just gave it away as if it doesn’t mean anything. If she wanted to give it away she could have given it to my younger sister since those clothes were expensive. Well they did not say anything because it will sound cheap and it was going to create unnecessary tension.

Later my brother went to UK with her. Her family lives in UK (everyone including mother father and siblings). After going there, her family started abusing him which he never told us. These were all verbal abuses about us…like our family does not have good dressing sense, we are not upto their standards, we look like villagers etc. I understand this thing because we always lived a simple life and never spent lots of money on having a lavish lifestyle. Since our dad was paying for our education and house. When me and my brother started working we helped our dad with finances. And we do not complaint about having a simple life because we always knew one day we will have enough money to afford all luxury stuff and clothes which at the moment we were not able to afford.

Those verbal abuses started increasing day by day. Initially when they went to UK he stayed with his in-laws for a month since they were deciding on what to do next. They moved into a rented apartment for a year during which which his married life was going OK. his in laws visited them every weekend. His wife keep on giving her salary to her parents and used all his salary for household expenses. He tried to make her understand that it is wrong in terms of finances. As he had to pay his education loan back in India which he took for his Masters. But this went in vain. Plus additional fight with his wife. Then her parents came one day and a big fight with them as they said how he dare to even think about sending money back to India to his parents. Now he is married so he should all of his money on their daughter and not on his parents. She called my dad and said once son is married you should leave him as he have his own family now. My dad mom were very upset upon listening this. They did not tell him all this so that his married life should not be affected. I was working so I helped them financially in every way.

My sister in law insisted that they should buy a house next to her parents house which my brother actually denied because he saw interference of her parents in his married life. His wife is greatly influenced by her parents and siblings. She can eat with them when they have dinner without even checking if he had dinner or not. Does not matter if he is sick or unwell, if her parents call her she will right away to meet them. My Uncle lived in London so my brother went to meet him there. When he came back after two days, his wife already made a down payment for a house right next to her parents house. She claimed she took that money from her parents around 6000 pounds.

We were shocked back in India that how all this happened. At same time my dad was about to get retired from his job. He was supposed to get retirement money. So my sister in law called my dad from and asked how much money he will be getting. This was the time when our financial situation was very thin. We saw very bad days financially. As she want to buy house. I was so angry about her this action as it was my dad’s hard earned money. Shameless creature did not realised that she never sent even a shirt to them and asking money from him. At same time I applied for doing my masters in Canada and I got selected into a good business school. I has some savings from job and for tuition I took loan from a bank. I knew it was right decision for me as after one year of study I was going to earn 60 times more than what I was earning in India plus a good future for me.

When she came to know about it, she created a big fuss everywhere. With my brother, in our family and our relatives, that my dad gave me his retirement money to pursue studies. This was not true. Well I left for Canada one month after Dad’s retirement. I got some money after resigning my first job which I gave to my dad to use at home. Meanwhile the situation at my brother’s house was worse. His employment at UK was enough for surviving. Sometime he saved money to send it back to home which was hardly two or three times in three years and nominal money around 300-400 pounds in total. She came to know about it and another bad fight. In between her parents and siblings kept fighting with him just to show him that he is from a poor family and they have done a favor to him by bringing him to UK and giving a better life to him. So he should actually be grateful to him and do whatever they say. My sister in law literally meant him to be slave of his parents and licking their feet all the time. This my brother was not able to bear. He came back to India.

When he was about to leave his wife broke the news that she is pregnant. But he came back as he was not able to take so much insult for him and his parents. His family had said so much degraded words to my parents regarding being poor and of low standard that when I talked to him I cried whole night thinking about it. Well after going back to India since she was pregnant and he should not leave her in such situation, we talked to him. He went back after 1.5 mnths. We decided that we should stop talking to him as this is what his wife and her family actually wants. And this will save his married life and future of unborn child. We did not talk to them until she went into labor pain. During this pregnancy period he tried to be close to her, gave her his money…but abuses and fights continued even then.

Before going to hospital for delivery we all wished her best of luck, she gave birth to baby boy. We thought this baby might bring a change. She behaved well for 2 weeks. In hospital she wanted to go to her parents house directly and not to their own house which my brother decorated beautifully. And he told her same and walked out of hospital crying as she said no. Somehow she came to his house. Everything was good for two weeks. She was talking to me and mom dad nicely. We used to see baby on cam every other day. Then in third week her dad mom came and they gave taunt to my brother regarding Dad’s poor situation. My brother became so angry that he told his parents to get out of his house. They went and this make his wife mad. She packed her bags and left house with baby without telling my broitehr. For 5 months she stayed at her parents house and never allowed him to see baby. This had a bad impact on him. He literally went mad without his baby and went into deep depression. He stayed awake whole night, cried and stayed without eating food for 3-4 days . One day she sent her brother and he took away the car as it was in her name. That was not enough when she started threatening him to throw out of house as mortgage was under her name. However my brother was paying it and he have pay receipts with him. His name was not included I house papers as he was on work permit on UK . So house was under her name. One stupidity which my brother did was not having house on his name even when he was paying for it. During same duration my mom’s and dad’s health went down due to all this situation.

His wife keep on bad mouthing about us in relatives and community (In Indian culture families are closely connected to relatives and community in terms of all this, if marriage goes wrong its just not two people..its matter between two families).

When baby was 6 mnths old she came back herself. We were again surprised about the reason. But none of us talked to her. We were happy for my brother that he is with his family. We again stopped talking to him. Later we came to know that his wife’s brother is marriage is fixed in India. She came back to house so that my brother can buy air tickets for her to attend wedding and buy gifts for her family on the occasion of wedding plus her big shopping list. My brother decided not to attend the wedding after what all they have done to him. If she wants to go and attend she is free to do so. This was in Nov 2013.

In January 2014 my Dad’s health got worse and he was admitted to hospital. So my brother had to fly back to Inida as Dad’s situation was critical. She never even called back to India to check how dad was doing even for courtesy sake. Well leave that. Dad was in hospital for a week, then we got him home but doctor told now we need to take care of him as a baby as he cannot take any stress. He have blood clots in his brain and he is a heart patient.In these three years, I never went back to India because I am working hard to earn money and pay off dad’s debts. I am paying for their household expenses, education of brother and sister. I got a very good position in a reputed company with blessings of my parents. I am almost done with repaying debts of everyone including brother.

Now in first week of feb 2014, it was my sister in law’s brother’s wedding so she also came to India with baby. My brother is still in India as Dad is recovering slowly and we need someone to look after him. My mom had a surgery in Nov 2013 and she is already bed ridden. When his wife came to India he went to pick her from airport and got them home. About this she was not happy as she wanted to go to her parents place. Well she came as m parents wanted to do Indian baptism ceremony for baby. She lived at our house for 5 days once ceremony was over, she packed her bags and left to her parents house. That too in early morning at 6 am when everyone else in house was sleeping. This made my mom really angry that she does not even see that my dad recovered so fast after baby came home.

She went to her house. Attended her brother’s wedding which my mom dad brother also attended due to social norms. Now she is not ready to come back to our house. She called my mom and said so many bad words to her. She called my brother yesterday and told him that he need not to come with her to UK. They should live separately so that he can understand how to live with her and will learn a lesson. Plus she will never allow my family to see the baby including my brother. She said she have house and baby and now she can survive without him.

I am speechless on her, about her so shameless attitude. She spent 4 years with him, had his money and time, had a house. Now when she know that we all are attached so much to baby she is using baby as a bait to make us suffer. Since they are rich I am sure they are going to make situation worst whether in India or UK. She can put a domestic violence case against him in India in which even if its not true cops will be against us (they will get hell lot of bribe from her parents)…and I am not sure what is the law in UK says. Some people say if my brother will go there , cops will cease his passport or deport him.

I need a sincere advice from you all. My thinking capacity is over. Mom dad are not able to bear this. I am the one to guide them and I am exhausted of thinking. A sincere request to you all to help me and give me a good advice. What my family should do? What my brother should decide? In case if he seek divorce she will again ask for money, what to do in that case? What about baby whom we all love so much and she is using him as a bait.

[Mattiemae]

Really not sure how you he got arranged with a marriage with someone from another country like that? It really is cultural differences. Is she from the U.K. or I mean she's not india decent? I've never been to India, or claim to know exactly what you believe, but hindu, or buddha etc living is quite different than the U.K. So the thing is it is like being on two different planets. I'm not sure if I'm right, but India you may have been taught to live a simple life, and be responsible for the cause and effect relationship you have on others in your family and society as a whole. There is more respect in some families, and it is not so about "Me' But "We". So In U.K. It is more about "Me" Individually. So those two world's collide and see the dilema.

I do empathize with your family. Again explain how this marriage was arranged, just so I can comprehend, because I don't really know how it works, and always thought it was within your own cultural groups. I'm not sure what to say, because the laws of the U.K. even are different than India, and you state they have a baby. Financially you're family needs to stick to their own values and principles, as you stated they are having their own financial problems out of this, and really need to stay stable.

I can feel their pain because this is not your culture, and so very hard for them to understand why their son, and grand child are being disrespected. Which in U.K. and other cultures the norms of relating that way are acceptable in th societies. This is a very bad situation, and as hard is it is to accept and say, he is better off seeing what the law in your own country says to do. It sounds like he needs legal advice, and take that legal advice from your own country. When she does come after that with the baby to india again, do what the legal advocate tells you while they are there in your territory. I would keep your brother away from their, because like you said, he can be deported, and who knows what they will do and you stated they have power with money. So this is very hard and difficult, but you are safer in your own territory and laws, and have legal advice that can help come up with ways to solve the disputes.

For their relationship, doesn't sound very good, and not sure if it will be able to work out, because of what you've already stated. Again I feel for your family. It may be something they just have to accept is a bad deal and hopefully some how you can get a court order that states the baby has legal visitation with him. It's alot of technicalities and legal issues of where the baby was born, and visitation rights etc, etc.

Legal advocates cost money, and really not sure if your family or brother can afford it? But that is what it looks like to me is huge cultural differences clashing, and probably who ever arranged the marriage should have thought about that from the begining. If things are financially huge in this, and the marriage isn't reconcilable, it may just be that your family will have to cut the losses painfully, but it all depends on the finances and situation.

[mysteriouseyes]

The girl is Indian. She was born and grew older in India. She went to Uk when she was 23 and she she got married at 26 with my brother. So I do not think in 3 years a person can be changed so much or can forget her culture completely. Their wedding was arranged within our community/cultural group by one of my cousins as it is done for everyone. Those people were initially nice to us because they knew we are financially strong. But later due to dad's retirement , bad health and a bad investment we lost our money and our financial situation got worst. She is happy until you present her gifts. All the jewelry we gave to her, we don't even know where it is. With her or her mother or if her parents sold it. She is all about gifts, jewelry , money and luxury. She cannot understand what her husband is going through (leave in laws...she is not even bother to ask about their health). All she want to do is make us suffer because we did not provide her lots of gifts and a lavish lifestyle and she think she deserves so much rich treatment (I can swear to go my parents tried their best to provide whatever they were able to afford...they neevr did it for me ..to be very honest ...i was their favorite child...so i can understand how much my parents tried to please her)

[Mattiemae]

Hmm...yes sounds like she is very materialistic. Do they have counseling in your culture, or how do they handle family disputes? Really that is what is needed. You're family can't do anymore than they can under the circumstances. Legally still you need advice as well. As you stated she still resides in another country sometimes right? In arranged marriage, did they love each other to begin with? Really I would think your brother just has to decide what he needs to do. It's his marriage, and family. It does affect you all. I was just thinking it was cultural differences, because you said U.K. But if she was raised in India with same culture, it would fall than on her family upbringing, and what she values or seems to think is priority in her life. Which you stated very materialistic, and money oriented. There's not really anything you or your family can do about it. Your brother has to make the final choices I would think, less you all do this together.

[mysteriouseyes]

in such cases both families sit together and try to sort things out. For this my mom called yesterday as they all are in India due to sister in laws Brother's wedding. But my got a straight face answer "we are busy". They all are flying back on 20 feb. not much time for us to left to take an action. It is very necessary if we take an action and talk to relatives about this. Then few people can become mediaotr and help us to sort out the situation. But they are not even picking our calls or replying to msgs.

[Mattiemae]

You probably will have to have those mediators come into play! It just seems they are avoiding things, and being abusive to some degree. Yes, it's big mess from what you stated, so it is complicated when they just go back to the U.K. That is why I say in the end result if you've tried every other avenue, you may have to get legal counsel.

[mysteriouseyes]

Yes for sure they avoiding things because they will try to act against us only after going to UK. about mediators, we can get mediators to come into play only if her parents agree to meet us. They clearly said they are busy. they cnt meet. Mom is really stressed out. My brother is thinking whether to go back or not. I am sitting here totally blank..this is worst situation.