Dad's Back in the Picture?

[confusedguy1012]

First off sorry I know I post here a lot but it's really helpful (I think lol). Okay so my girlfriend has always had a hard time opening up to me about her father and how he beat the crap out of her. Yesterday we were sitting in the hospital and I noticed she was getting a lot of text messages so I asked her who she was texting, she then told me she was texting her father and he had got out of jail and who I guess wants to be back in her life and says he has changed and things like that. Here's the thing though and I know what she's told me he did to her and I don't trust him. I don't want him around her but I also know I can't tell her no she can't see him. I guess I don't really know where i'm going with this but my question is what can I do to protect her from him without making it completely obvious that I hate him and don't trust him? Also yes I know she is telling the truth because he treated her sister the same way.

[KingZ]

This is not your job. You aren't her therapist, you aren't her social worker.

[confusedguy1012]

The hell it's not she's my girlfriend and carrying my kid

[KingZ]

You have a pathetic view of women. They aren't weak, feeble-minded things that require your constant supervision.

She's perfectly capable of taking care of herself, especially with regards to her own father. Believe it or not, she's also capable of making her own decisions—that included the decision to cheat on you. She isn't a puppy who can't be held responsible for her own actions.

Like I said before, it's not your job to interfere and supervise. Your job, as a boyfriend, is to be supportive. Otherwise, you're going to find out the hard way that your interference will only cause tension between you two and backfire, despite your good intentions.

[confusedguy1012]

I don't know for sure that she cheated on me and she's trying to get my trust back and working hard but if she get hurt so does my kid and what kind of dad am I if I can't protect my own kid plus how do I support a decision I don't agree with.

BTW: Women might not be weak but she is at least lately she is.

[basilandthyme]

Actually, she may well be a weak feeble-minded thing. Unforuntately, both men and women do come this way at times.

That being said, there's still nothing you can do about the situation. If your baby is born and she's putting it in bad situations, you can contest for custody....but further than that, there's F all you can do about her choices in life.

[Mattiemae]

I understand your concern. If he has a past record of abuse, although he may claim he's changed and been saved by Jesus in jail, lol, you have to understand he may or may not have changed. Most likely he hasn't. Really you just have to wait it out and see. It is her relationship with her father, and can understand too, it does cause tension in the relationship when we tell someone what is best for them, and don't let them decide on their own.

On the other hand, like my friend that just went through this, he talks to his dad, but I also told him to be careful and not get his hope's and expectations up. We sometimes romanticize our father's and hope they will change, but sometimes they never do. I'm sure she's aware of what he's done, and she has her fears alone and memories that remind of her what she's dealing with. So that alone prevents her from going to fast or getting to close to him.

Really you just have to let her do what she needs to do to arrive at the answers she needs to find for herself and to heal that part of her. If it becomes violent in your home, or something like that, I can see stepping in, or if he talks to her abusively and upsets her every day. See how she handles things on her own, and try not to interfere as much as possible. Although you love her, and care about her, he still remains her father, and what happens between them is their relationship.

You can't fix it for her, change it for her, or save her from it. She has to deal with it in her life. It is a parent, and she has to learn to set her own boundaries. Everyone can't always come rescue her from her emotions and feelings. She is very co-dependent which is usually from being in dysfunctional families where abuse or addiction or both have occurred.

She has to stand up on her own two feet, and be independent. Interdependent with you to have a healthy relationship with you. She has to love herself, and have self confidence, and self worth to stand up for herself. We enable people when we come to the rescue all the time and want to save the day, because than it takes them alot longer to learn how to set boundaries, make healthy choices for themselves, and become self dependent. If she asks for your advice, give it, but yes, don't be her therapist and tell her how to do it. She has to figure out her own way to cope and deal with things in a positive manner.

Sometimes the hardest part of loving someone is learning when to hold on and when to let go, and allow the other person the room to learn what they need too, even if sometimes they need to fall down and make mistakes. We have a tendency to want to stop people from making mistakes, but actually they are stepping stones to grow and learn to become stronger emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

The best thing you can do is be there for her emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Listen to her, and give her advice when she asks for it. Otherwise it comes out as you are trying to tell her what to do, and you're controlling her. So just wait it out and see what happens with her father. It can turn out positive or negative. It just depends on whether he's changed or not.

[confusedguy1012]

So i'm just going to have to let him come over for dinner tomorrow in my home. I really don't know if I can do that I mean if he steps out of line even a little bit i'm going to have to beat him to death. This is stressful knowing i'm going to make dinner for the man that hurt my girlfriend emotionally, physically, mentally and sexually he's a sick bastard and this is frustrating.

[Mattiemae]

Yes, it is frustrating. But like I said, it is her father, and if she has to set the boundaries with him. Or else she'll just feel you are trying to control her. Have you ever met him before? And if it does make you uncomfortable ask her how it feels to be around him, or if she'll be comfortable meeting with him in your home? Ask her how she feels talking to him? If she feels good or bad etc. Just ask her to express herself more about him.

Like my friends dad, I thought was pretty sick myself, but met him a few times, and my friend made his boundaries on his own. I just kept asking him if he was alright with everything. So you may be worrying to much about it, rather than what will happen. She may talk to him once, and than feel it is uncomfortable and ackward and not want to have anything to do with him. It probably just is she isn't thinking about what her reaction will be. It might sound like a good idea because he just got out and she hasn't seen him. But than when the moment arrives she might not like it all, and bail out of it.

[confusedguy1012]

No I haven't met him she's just told me all the sick things hes done to her

[KingZ]

So i'm just going to have to let him come over for dinner tomorrow in my home.

Eh, you don't have to let him into your home, and you don't have to make him dinner. But this might cause tensions between you and your girlfriend. Keep it mind that when you decide to be with someone, you also need to be accepting of their family. Otherwise, it rarely works out.

To be honest, from what I've read in all of your other threads, it sounds like you've made a huge mistake getting this girl pregnant. Now you're going to be tied to her (and her father) in some way or another for the rest of your life.

[smackie9]

the old man probably got counseling while he was in jail, and now that years have past, he wants to make amends, and that is HER decision to make not yours. King z is right, when you are with someone, you become apart of their family too, he is part of the package deal.

Who knows maybe he is a changed man and wants to rebuild a relationship with his daughter. Some believe people deserve a second chance. I hope she has sought out therapy for herself, because with her mental state I would be weary of your child's welfare. Just make sure there are set boundaries when it comes to him visiting, and seeing his grand child. You need to have a serious discussion about the child's safety being around this man.

If I were you I would contact his parole officer to find out what his limitations are. He may not be allowed to be around children 16 years and under.

[Starnique]

The hell it's not she's my girlfriend and carrying my kid

Be that as it may and you do have a right to be concerned about YOUR kid and protect YOUR kid if you feel they're in harms way. Now, you have no say so on her relationship with her father or her mending that relationship. At the end of the day, that's her daddy and girls daddy's play a very important role in their daughters life. I'm sure she always wanted that father figure and now that he is supposedly changed, of course she's going to give it another chance. It's not your call. All you can do is support her decision, look out for her and be there for her. I understand your concern but it has nothing to do with you. Focus on YOUR kid and let her deal with her dad. You have enough problems. Don't make this an unnecessary one.

[KingZ]

God, am I not the rightest motherfu​cker who's ever lived?!

You have really put yourself in a pickle by getting this girl preggo, man. Not very smart.

[confusedguy1012]

the old man probably got counseling while he was in jail, and now that years have past, he wants to make amends, and that is HER decision to make not yours. King z is right, when you are with someone, you become apart of their family too, he is part of the package deal.

Who knows maybe he is a changed man and wants to rebuild a relationship with his daughter. Some believe people deserve a second chance. I hope she has sought out therapy for herself, because with her mental state I would be weary of your child's welfare. Just make sure there are set boundaries when it comes to him visiting, and seeing his grand child. You need to have a serious discussion about the child's safety being around this man.

If I were you I would contact his parole officer to find out what his limitations are. He may not be allowed to be around children 16 years and under.

I am weary of my child's welfare if he even kinda stresses her out she could go into labor now that's not something I can talk to her about because then I could stress her out. Also how would I contact his parole officer? I mean I guess your right though guys that's not my choice what she does..