Dumped on Vday while half way around the world..

[confused_guy01]

First time poster.... looking to understand

I [31 M] left for Korea for a week for a conference organizing meeting. I lived with my [26 F] girlfriend. Been dating for 2+ years and I thought everything was great and we were in love and would get engaged in the next year.

On v-day over an instant chat program she would not say I love you. I asked her about it and she said she didn't want talk and was going to bed. I asked if she was breaking up with me and she wouldn't answer. I said then I had to assume she didn't love me anymore since she refused to say it and was breaking up with me. She refused to talk saying she didn't want to talk over the computer and refused to skype either. The next three days were horrible, alone and on the other side of the world.

I come home to find that she moved all her stuff out of the house while I was gone and had moved back in with her parents. She said she didn't love me anymore and had to change herself to be in the relationship with me. She had never said this before and to be honest I thought I was a really great boyfriend, never made her change, and if anything I was the one that had to adapt to her. I had no warning and thought we were rock solid together. I had always known her to be thoughtful and kind and I find what she did just cruel and out of character. No discussion just dumped on vday while away and came home to another surprise rather than discussion.

I am really at a loss here. I think maybe her negative parents were involved as she had to have had help moving all her stuff so quickly. She says this was not planned before I left but I have trouble believing that. She has been vegan for the past few months and I wonder if this could be part of the issue and if it affected her mood / thinking in some way. Otherwise I am really at a loss... what do you think?

[basilandthyme]

I could be off base here, but I'm sensing that you're very needy. Why? Because you went from her neglecting to say 'I love you' to assuming she was breaking up in one phone call! Holy shit, that's one hell of a leap.

If everything was as wonderful as you say, why did you even raise the topic that she'd neglected to say 'I love you'? If everything is wonderful, you should have been confident in her love and not feel the need to cause an issue about the fact she hadn't said it. Sure, it's nice to hear "I love you" from our partner. But if all is going well and we're confident of their love, we shouldn't need to hear it each time we speak.

Now, some will undoubtedly argue that she should have said "I love you" to make you happy. But is a forced love declaration really going to meet your needs? Also, she may have been cranky about you being needy and decided to not reward your behaviour.

Anyway, perhaps I have it all wrong because there is background which you haven't included. But on face value, this is how it's looking to me.

[confused_guy01]

I could be off base here, but I'm sensing that you're very needy. Why? Because you went from her neglecting to say 'I love you' to assuming she was breaking up in one phone call! Holy shit, that's one hell of a leap.

I had a bad feeling because on wednesday of the week I realized I had ended all our previous daily messaging with I miss you and she had not responded back with her normal I miss you too. I obviously didn't type every little detail on here but I didn't make the jump as quickly as you are assuming. I could see she had read my message saying I had a bad feeling about not saying I miss you too but didn't respond to my concern at all. A partner should normally respond to that kind of message once it has been read especially on valentines day. I respect and trust people I date and give them space and autonomy appropriately.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, fair enough. A little background makes a world of difference to the story.

For what it's worth, you only got dumped on Valentines because you pushed it. It's shitty timing, but probably better than if she'd strung you along till you got back.