Where are we going with this?

[LittleMadam]

Hello all. I am new here. Ive came here as im really confused. Ill keep it as short as possible.

Im late twenties, he is early 30s. Known each other years,and have a child together.
Split up 5-6 year ago due to me being scared of commitment.

A few months back, things struck up between us again. We have been getting closer and closer. Have slept together numerous times. He has also started staying over one night a week.
He gives hugs and kisses which dont always lead to sex.
We text all of the time and see each other 2-3 times a week.
He has started calling me babe, baby, etc.
He buys me things, randomly, christmas, birthday and valentines.


It all seems like we are moving in the right direction for a RL. Only it is very secretive. Now i understand this as i hurt him when we broke up, and im sure his mother would have something to say to him. At the same time, he thinks ive told no one, but my parents know all about it. So whats to say his dont?
There is definitely no other woman. As i say, we have known each other for years and he says i am welcome at his house anytime. He says i dont need to be invited.

I am planning on asking him when i see him later in the week. A little insight from some men wouldnt go a miss though. At least ill kind of know what to expect.

I know i shouldnt, but i need to know if it is safe to allow myself to get emotionally involved. I already am...but i dont want to get in too deep for it to all be about sex. If you know what i mean

[Wakeup]

Why would another man know if it is safe for you to allow yourself to get emotionally involved? You need to have a discussion with your ex because he's the only one that can verify that for you... You should know (from him) when he's going to announce to his family that you two are playing around again. You don't even know if you're exclusive with him. Just because you've been invited to his home anytime it doesn't mean he's not bopping chick there when you're not around. SMH.

Talk to the man that can give you the answer to your questions. Then, after you've gotten your answers, pay attention to his action to confirm that they are matching those words. His actions are where his truth is.

BTW: If you're afraid of commitment, why would you have a child with this man? Makes very little sense in the scheme of things.

[LittleMadam]

Sorry - i didnt mean another man would know. I just meant i need to find out, by asking him later in the week about where we are heading with this. As i am getting emotionally involved, and dont want to continue if this is just about sex for him.

You have a point about other women. I suppose it is possible. He texts me updates from the minute he wakes up though, so just assumed he wasnt as he tells me everything that is happening.

As for being scared of commitment and having a child...
I was young, going through a lot of emotional turmoil with family stuff, etc. I think the hormones played a huge part.
I have wanted to get back together for years. I just didnt know how.
Now we are finally getting somewhere (so it seems), i dont actually know where i stand and i feel im at the point where i need to know.

So far his actions all seem to be positive. Judging by his actions, id say he felt pretty much the same way i do.

[Wakeup]

Well you are the best person to judge by his actions how he is feeling about you. Have your discussion and go from there. How he responds will tell you all you need to know. If he still wants to keep you a secret, if he won't even commit to being exclusive, then I'd be a little worried that you're not as valued as you'd hoped.

Keep us updated... let us know how your convo goes with him.

[Smila]

From what i can discern from your post, you want some form of reassurance from your man (ala his coming out and making it official------>his mum's approval). I understand your quandary- you are finally taking the plunge and you want to be sure you are not just a fling (but a child and years of on and off does not suggest so). Be patient, he would do so in due time. probably the last lesson you gave him is still fresh on his mind. if he loves you, he will definitely come out...Let him drive the boat on this...

[LittleMadam]

Yes i suppose i am looking for him to make it official. Although, at the same time - there is no rush. Just so long as i have an idea we are on the same page and heading in the same direction.

I am more than happy with the way things are between us. It seems to be progressing quite nicely.

I agree with you that our previous time together will more than likely be fresh on his mind.
Just as im worrying about being a sex object, he could be worrying that im going to do the same again.

Now im confused ha.
By letting him drive the boat on this, do you mean for me to not ask him later in the week?

I think i could linger in the uncertainty for another month or two.

Thank you both for your help and understanding with this.

He brought me my dinner today. If i was just for sex, i dont suppose he would do that...really.

[basilandthyme]

LittleMadam, just talk with him! Good and easy communication is the foundation of a good relationship. And if you can't talk with him about important stuff, then it doesn't say much for the relationship.

If this was a guy you met a month ago, it would be different.....but this man is the father of your child and you've known him for a very long time. Assuming that you're now ready to commit, you need to tell him and see what he thinks.

By the way, this conversation won't scare him away if he's serious about you. It will only scare him off if all he wants is 'sex with the ex'.

[LittleMadam]

Thank you. You made some excellent points in there!
I guess i will have a little talk with him then at the weekend.
Its just a matter of what to say now...

It might be a relief to him, me bringing it up.
The more i think about things, he has given me every sign that we are together...just not the words.
Ill keep it light hearted when i do.

I need to as its getting to the point im going quiet around him, as its always on the tip of my tongue. Once i get it out i can relax again lol.

[Wakeup]

Thank you. You made some excellent points in there!
I guess i will have a little talk with him then at the weekend.
Its just a matter of what to say now...

It might be a relief to him, me bringing it up.
The more i think about things, he has given me every sign that we are together...just not the words.
Ill keep it light hearted when i do.

I need to as its getting to the point im going quiet around him, as its always on the tip of my tongue. Once i get it out i can relax again lol.

You're forgetting one very important action that he's not shown you yet that would indicate you are a couple again. That being that you're still very much a secret to his family. Suggest a dinner get together with them or something a little more casual and see what he has to say about that.

Have a good, productive talk... and go from there. What does your child think about Daddy being with Mommy again. Her emotional well being is at stake here as well. It will be very hard on him/her if Mom and Dad are not a couple once again, No?

[LittleMadam]

Yes, very true about his parents! I definitely will have a talk with him about it all.

My child isnt aware of us at all yet. We have always got on very well, so when we are all together he sees no change in our behaviour toward one another.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Awesome!

Good luck, keep us updated.

[LittleMadam]

Ive done it. I asked. He freaked out a little, in a not expecting it way. Says the reason he isnt telling his parents is because they would have something to say.

He would/will if and when he is feeling it.
It isnt just about the sex, he is enjoying it and would like to see where it goes. But i hurt him, and so it will take time for him to open up.

Im really starting to wish i hadnt said nothing and just continued to let it go as it was.

I told him my reasons for talking to him was down to the fact that if it was just sex id have to stop.

[LittleMadam]

Im pleased i had the talk now. Once everything has settled in my mind. I completely understand everything - especially with his parents.

Nothing seems to have changed between us.
He kept asking to explain more when i told him i really enjoyed spending time with him.
Why would he want a further explanation to that do you think?

I think he is pleased we have had that talk too. He seemed it. Even though it was slightly awkward, i think we are both understanding things a little better.

[Mattiemae]

Patience is a virtue when some one is healing. Whether we'd like them to get over things fast, it doesn't work that way. So really you just need to let it go. Give him time, and make sure you're actions follow your words. If you make an agreement with someone keep the agreement. Parents are always going to be an interference, so yes you have to give that time as well.

People have their opinions and beliefs of their own on the subject, so he's turning it off the negative radio station and giving it another chance. lol Negative feedback from anyone in advice effects your relationship. I made this mistake most of my life taking anyone's advice. Really there are two path's advice from people with positive criticism and choose the love approach, or negative criticism from naysayers, gossips, and rumormongers. This is usually the fear approach!

We can get stuck in life if we don't have the positive people influencing our relationships and choices. When I look back I can remember the tough love approach, beat the crap out of you emotionally, mentally, and spiritually that produced anxiety, stress, and more anger than anything. On the other hand I had people that had the love approach with out the tough, that led me to be successful in relationships, job, and finances.

So don't feel bad if he blocks the negative people in your life from influencing your relationship while it gets back on better foundation. Really you don't need to wonder why he wants you to explain things. Communication is the main key to your relationship. The more you express yourself, the more he understands you, and the more you understand him. It's when no one communicates no one knows the truth about what is really going on, and drawing conclusions and assumptions.

[LittleMadam]

You are right. It isnt a bad thing that he isnt telling people. If anything he isnt allowing others to influence his decisions.
It seems he is willing to give it another go, which i dont really deserve.
But hopefully, over time he will see that i really am ready to commit and we can make it work.
We were really good together. I dont know what i was thinking!

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And i am prepared to be as patient as needed