Girlfriends past is haunting me....Ladies advice please

[rest77]

@Carmine_1
"......but the lie seems to be growing......and getting worse, and really I was never concerned with this stuff in a relationship before, but now I feel lied to and deceived, and I need to know the truth.....So lets say I talk to her, she gets defensive as I would expect any women too when you go prying into her past, Whats the best outcome? Things are really good right now, and I don't see us slowing down......but this just may be too much for me to handle, I'm supposed to stand at the alter with her and NOT think about this stuff? UGH.......

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Oh and BTW, I have up rooted my life and moved my children quite a distance to be with this women, secured a new job in this area that is an absolute dream job, I mean it all came together like it was meant to be. So I followed my heart, and now I feel duped and deceived. So dumping her flat out may not be the move....and if it is it will be a very difficult one....I have to move out with my kids, find a place around here so I can keep my job.....it's pretty complicated, and again I know all that is an excuse but I hate to upset her kids and mine, and put them through a move, and loss of a parent figure AGAIN.....they have all been through so much already......UGH just want to scream...."


I can feel your fustration and betrayer. Moving with your kids to join her and getting a new job was actually enough for her to know that you do truly love, care and trust her as well. Really does not matter how long you found those things in her closet for the second time. Being that its ditsurbing and haunting you. Talk to her and see if she gets defensive, then you know what tha means...at least you should know now befor taking her to the alter. If you decided to move on without confronting her, somehow its still going to pop up in the future ahead....don't know how going to deal with it then.

[carmine_1]

Interesting point of view....Now remember, We are two years deep already......moved a whole family to a new state.....and yes I understand your heroin analogy. but here's the thing, I don't think "omg this poor girl she needs me" "who else is going to save her from herself" it's not like that. Swooning? sure in the beginning we were soooo happy just be around each other and reconnect again, especially on this romantic level.

Sure it makes me feel good that I treat her well and she really appreciates it, and that's very reciprocal, she treats me very well two, believe me I have had so wacko women in the past, and soon after the swooning period we fell into this very amazing day to day life with each other, a far cry from the BS we were both used to in relationships. So I don't feel I need to help her, I genuinely love her, I really do, not sure infatuation is the word I would use here.....if it was, I would have kept her around awhile got my rocks off and split. but there was something else there, still is.....it really is a genuine appreciation for each other, a connection, a spark, call it what you will........

Now......I have no reason to believe she's lied about anything else, or that she has cheated.....but believe me...these thoughts creep into my head now, because well....she broke my trust so these things of course pop into my head. Now.......we are in constant contact everyday, she text's me all day, just to chat...say I love you, when she's running around with the kids she send me little pics of them at the mall or at lunch.....we meet for lunch like three times a week, then she's off to the store or work, she's a yoga instructor, so some days she teaches some days she doesn't....classes are an hour, and bam....I get a text....."class is over feel like a movie tonight" she barley goes out with her friends....

I mean we are older so friends is like getting together at someones house with the kids and having a few drinks......and if she does do that, she texts me a funny story about what one of the girls said or something, OR I'm there with her. So I have no reason to think that she's a cheater, there was a year long long distance thing before I moved.....were I would only see her every two weeks, I can honestly say in that time, we texting all day everyday, and night, we would do E-dates and watch movies together, it wasn't easy being far away but we made it work.....So all I"m sayng......through all this away because she felt like I would judge her? OOOOORRRRR stick around and foster a relationship that I feel is different, and more than just infatuation....and like I said in the beginning, this is new territory for me, never had to deal with this....I always had a don't care, don't ask don't tell policy......So this is all new to me......

[Smila]

I can see your point.
I understand you thought you shared something special with her and now slowly finding out it was all a lie.

Only thing i can think of is she could see how much you liked the idea of sharing something speical, she kind of dug herself a hole...

I would suggest getting checked out, and asking why she felt the need to lie to you.

I agree with the checking your self out thing..but my gut feeling tells me that you will be in for some more hurt..()

[searock]

So all I"m sayng......through all this away because she felt like I would judge her?

She might have felt that way, or even that you would leave her, had she told you about her previous partners. Maybe she lied about it because she didn't want to lose you because of something so insignificant (insignificant to her, and to you too, except that she didn't know it).

I always had a don't care, don't ask don't tell policy......So this is all new to me......

Thing is, she probably didn't know this. She probably had experiences with men in the past that would give her crap for having slept with other guys before them. So this could be the reason why she lied about it to you: she didn't want you to leave.

Seeing as everything else is going great, I stick to my former advice: give it another chance.

[rest77]

@Carmine_1

"....and when her and I reconnected that she knew ok this is the one I'm going to break the fast with......and she was SOOOOO glad it was me that she was so glad she didn't just jump into bed with some random guy, and the stories go on and on.....even as far as telling me conversations that she had (which she really didn't) with her friends about how she reconnected with me, and she can't wait to have sex for the first time after marriage with me, and on and on and on.......so to hear all that, and then get sm,acked in the face with the actual truth....yeah you might say I'm a bit hung up on that......"


Maybe you aren't that upset about how many partners she had during those times, thats in the past anyway. Guess you are more disturbed about the fact that she is a good liar? You did believe everything she said and now you look or feel stupid after another proof popped up!

Nevertheless, there should be a solution. Running away from it isnt going to solve this, because you feel betrayed and hurt already. But confronting it and see how it goes...

[searock]

By the way, you didn't answer: what did she tell you when you asked her why she lied?

[rest77]

Oringinally Posted by Searock "By the way, you didn't answer: what did she tell you when you asked why she lied?





"Quote Originally Posted by carmine_1 View Post
When I asked her, when I found out about the first guy, her knee jerk reaction was to continue to lie, even though I had the proof right there, the proof by the way was a letter he had written to her, asking her why she disappeared, and why he hasn't heard from her after having sex and being intimate it seems she dropped him, So....found that letter by chance in the dresser drawer while transferring clothes from one dresser to another. She said continued "I didn't sleep with him !" I said, " I may be a nice guy but I'm not dumb" she replied "fine! I slept with him once!" and then she broke down crying, saying "I bet you're gonna leave me now" and honestly, this was on one of the trips where I was visiting her for the weekend, and I packed my shit and I was just gonna be out......but figured I would at least hear her out, and I asked then, I said " this hurts, you lied to me, and I understand why, but please tell me if there is anything else I should know about that period in time, becuase now I don't beleive you" she cried again, and apologized, and promised there was nothing else, a few days later guy no.2 gets discovered. I confronted, she yelled at me, "WTF you want to know every guy I have ever slept with!" to which I replied "no but I do want to know the truth about this period of time between getting separated and getting together with me, cause now I don't know what to believe" She says "fine you wanna know the truth, I slept with 2 people in that time, I was in a very bad sexless love less marriage, and I was going though a dark period" I dropped it after that......Then I find the 4 boxes a few week ago, now, she says she slept with guy number 1 only once, and had ONE pregnancy scare with guy number 2....so why 4 empty boxes, I have no choice but not to believe her, and again if there is more to this story more un safe multiple partner sexcapades before me, and she decided to jump in bed with me and lie about it? I'm not sure that's something I can handle"


I guess she was afraid of being rejected by Carmine, that was why she had to defend her self..

[searock]

That was what she said when he found out that she had lied.

I wanted to know what she said when he asked her why she lied.

[rest77]

@searock
I got you!

[carmine_1]

@searock
I got you!

What did she say when I asked why? Well. She said it was because she didn't want me to judge her. Then guy number two popped up. And she said that everyone judges a women who does what a man does. And that since the first guy came out. That she felt horrible for not telling me and she thought I wouldn't find out about the second guy and it was embarrassing to her to come clean after she lied once. Sooo.....something like that... and she kept saying "Omg what do you think of me" and I said. "I think you lie....you're very good at it, and you can do it to me." That kinda leveled her. So. That's basically what she said. ......and that she was in bad place in life after her horrible marriage. And it was horrible....even her family tells me some stuff that used to happen. Soooo......that's what she said

[searock]

So it's as I thought, she was afraid of you judging or leaving her, that's why she lied.

Make sure you tell her that you are not going to judge her for anything she did in the past (unless she killed somebody or something), and that you never EVER want her to lie to you again. Lies will not be tolerated from now on, because without trust there can be no relationship.

You should be fine after that.

[rest77]

Original Post by searock "......Make sure you tell her that you are not going to judge her for anything she did in the past (unless she killed somebody or something), and that you never EVER want her to lie to you again. Lies will not be tolerated from now on, because without trust there can be no relationship"




@Carmine I honestly think this is a good step.

( Besides she didn't kill nobody, in drug buisiness, pimp e.t.c. And what you are dealing with Was indeed her past, except the lieing part. Be smart about your decision, because you too have kids and one can never tell the future )

[carmine_1]

@rest77

Thanks, I will I just have to figure out how to bring this up again, without seeming like its been on my mind the last few months which it has, I just feel that she feels I'm over it we discussed, but then there is the recent discovery of empty boxes, so I don't know.....if I find a away to bring it up I will

I'll keep you guys posted, this forum is excellent thanks for all the help....

[smackie9]

I still think she is full of it.

[KingZ]

I still think she is full of it.

Yep. searock is being too forgiving.