To many affairs?

[Jamie698]

Hi, I have been with my wife for 8 years married for 3 years. I am a retail sales manager and my wife is a web developer. We have two small children age 2 and 1 are comfortable financially and have a spacious home, good friends and family. From the outside every think looks hunky dory, but this couldn't be further from the truth.

Before we got married my partner had an affair with a work colleague, I found out, and she confessed all. I saw it as a blip as she was so remorseful loving and more attentive than she had ever been and I truly believed it would never happen again and learnt to trust her within a relatively short amount of time.

Last year was fairly hectic with the littleuns and just juggling daily life and we did not make a lot of time for each other as you can imagine. She had made me aware she was unhappy, and I made changes to try and meet her needs. I made changes around the house which were really just niggles, booked a last minute holiday to try and cheer her up in October where we had some good evenings together getting tipsy and having a laugh, it was great to spend quality time together. I love her, she is the woman of my dreams and I have never looked at anyone else. As far as sex is concerned, we had an awesome sex life for the first couple of years, and a healthy sex life up til last year. Things fizzled out in the bedroom and the majority of the time she wouldn't let me touch her. We would have sex maybe once every other month but the majority of the time she would just see to my needs because she felt she had to. So by December last year I confronted her on her general mood and the state of our marriage and she told me she didn't know if she wanted to be with me anymore. So January this year I moved out for 10 days, after lengthy discussions discussing existing problems such as making it clear she needed me to more attentive I moved back in and it was an exciting time the prospect of my wife being happy again. The day I moved back in evidence fell on my lap that she had been having another affair, and again she admitted it. He is a married man with kids also. There relationship started early December and ended i think when she decided to give it a go with me. They had sex on numerous occasions in hotels and his accommodation. I was a broken man and went through a lot of emotions. I told her I couldn't be with her and we started making plans to separate properly and amicably for the kids. I had been nasty and told the wife of the chetee of their affair which I am not proud of but I believed she had a right to know.

My wife acted completely different to last time and sort of had a like it or lump it approach to the affair and made it clear she was still going to stay friends with the other guy. It was fairly clear I was not wanted which was the hardest thing to come to terms with.

Last week I offered an olive branch and said I could probably overcome the affair in time and would put the kids happiness first and give it another go and we could work at it together. She didn't exactly jump at the idea but after again discussion we decided to give it a go.

I feel like a mug and don't know if I've done the right thing. Am I doing it for all the wrong reasons, i do love her so very much and she is as sexy now as she was 8 years ago. We've had the odd peck kiss over the last week but no sex. It's all still relatively raw and I think I'm capable of getting over the affair but at the minute all that's playing on my mind is that she has had more sex over the last 6 months with someone else then her husband. I asked her yesterday how she was feeling and she said if she had to class us at present it would be friends. We went on a date tonight for some food and couple of games of pool and I just feel like I'm not making her happy.

I knok there's no direct answers but opinions, ideas and thoughts would be appreciated.

And yes again, I can't sleep, she is sound asleep beside me.

Thanks

[Smila]

From what we can see, she is not happy with her current lifestyle (You and the family)....She still wants to live her single lifestyle-one which gives her the ability to see whoever she wants and "do" whoever she wants...
How is her relationship with the kids? How does she carry out family duties? is she a dedicated mother in the home and the only thing suffering is your (intimate) relationship with her?. If this is so, then i think she has lost attraction to you. Painful but true.

I think she knows that she is in a position of power. You have to start preparing for the possibility of life after her. For someone who goes into an extra-marital affair with impunity and basically puts up a "deal with it attitude", tells you all you need to know; Because all you will do in the end is wreck your life and those of your kids.

You mention that she is still as "sexy" as she used to be..and i ask also, when you were courting her, why did you go after her? was it because of her "sexy-ness" or were there other qualities. Because as men, sometimes we tend to overlook certain (lack of) qualities in women just for their trophy value.

Keep up with your current mode of trying to win her back, but a point will come when you have to draw a line in the sand and if she does not budge, then the inevitable has to be. Let her head out and live her lifestyle to the fullest.

[HeartIsAching]

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Cheaters cheat. You went ahead and married a cheater... and now you're surprised?

Be ready for her next infidelity. Hopefully she won't give you anything permanent.

[Jamie698]

She is an excellent Mother to our children, can sometimes lose her patience with them but on whole top class, she loves them to bits. Trophy wife, no, her looks were just a bonus to all her other good qualities that I saw when we first met.

Basically I've never been so besotted with another partner, hence why I asked her to marry me. So compatible with our aspirations, goals and we do really have a good time together when we get the chance.

It is clear at present she has lost attraction to me and I feel that I am selling myself all the time. When do I draw the line, 3 months a year, I am preparing on the backburner mentally to give her up so to speak but I don't know how long I should put myself through the relentless unknown if she will ever be attracted to me again and will that stop her from being unfaithful in the future. I want the very best for my wife and our kids and understand if that is not as a family unit then I need to let her go for everyone's best interests.

[Mattiemae]

This is about her self worth, self esteem, insecurities, boredom, impatience, fears, and really not your issue. Affairs are a way of validating our self worth. Are we attractive? Getting attention? Boost our ego! Sex is away to feel good for the moment. It's like a drug, or even alcohol. It gives us a high and lifts us up. Seratonin and dopamine levels. We form a habit and emotional attachment to another person because we don't want to deal with issues inside of ourselves, or ask us why we feel the way we do in the moment.

Really you could be the perfect man in and out of the bedroom, but if she is not happy with herself, or who she is inside, there will always be somewhere she runs to try to find something to fill the whole inside of herself of what she believes is missing. Some people have affairs, some gamble, so get addicted to video games, virtual lives, drugs, alcohol, a million ways to avoid our pain and suffering, and feel good in the moment. So don't make this about you, because you will wear yourself out trying to figure out why she needs to go somewhere else to learn the lessons she is choosing to learn.

Whether they are good or bad behaviors we are learning about ourselves. Harming ourselves, or loving ourselves. This is far deeper than whether you are a good husband, or she's having a boring life. lol Really sorry, if I don't agree with people blaming the spouse or partner, but basically she needs to take responsibility for her thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and actions towards herself and you. Negative feedback and Negative self talk- about you, about herself is really the culprit and how she perceives her life. Never make it about you, and yes you can forgive her, but she really needs to go within and figure out why she is making the choices she is?

[cookies27]

You can't keep blaming yourself for her indiscretions. Nor can you keep extending good will her way when she's so indifferent about things.

I've not been married very long, not even a year, but I think that it takes two people to make a relationship work. I feel like it's not fair on you to be making all of the sacrifices and the commitments to change and to work on things, she needs to be on board as well. Things wax and wane over the years, sex comes and it goes. It could just be a general stagnation in the bedroom- she's feeling a bit bored of the same old routine. In no way does that mean it's ok for her to be unfaithful, it just means that both of you have to work at it. Sex, like all things in a marriage, is something you have to constantly work on to keep it going- to keep that spark.

It sounds to me like she isn't happy, and maybe because she feels some obligation to your children or to the institution of marriage, she's just giving into the idea that you two should make it work.

I feel like if you both really want this, you should seek some professional guidance and counseling to maybe get to the root of the problem (i.e. why she feels the need to cheat, what is going on in your relationship that is making her so indifferent to you). You are obviously very much in love with her and you care very deeply, and if she cares for you in the same respect, she needs to put in the time and effort too.

My mom always said, "It takes two to tango." Best of luck to you and I hope that all works out for the best, no matter which way it goes

[Jamie698]

wow it's actually refreshing getting some new unbiased thoughts and I thank you all for your independent responses. I'll keep you posted x

[Wakeup]

Since you enable her to be the cheater that she is by not leaving her when she does this, then why don't you just stay with her and open up your relationship so that BOTH of you get the needs met that neither of you are able to give one another? That way you can just be like roomies until your kids are grown up and then you can part ways. After all, that's what you're doing now anyway. The only thing different then what I suggest is you're the only one not getting your sexual needs met.

Sorry you're hurting but your codependence on her is what is killing you emotionally. You keep allowing her to do what she does because you feel you can't live without her so you stay and complain and enable.

This is a simple shit or get off the pot scenario. Learn ways to cope with it or get completely away from it. There is no other solution. She needs some therapy so that she can figure out whats wrong with her self-worth so she stops getting her feelings of worth and "prettiness" via the attention of men. Why she's addicted to new relationship energy. You need therapy to help you get the strength to form solid boundaries that if she crosses on you, you're gone.

Here's some links that will help you... if not in this relationship then at least so you don't repeat in the next one.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

Codependent people have weak boundaries or non at all. Work on yours, OP.

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Since you enable her to be the cheater that she is by not leaving her when she does this, then why don't you just stay with her and open up your relationship so that BOTH of you get the needs met that neither of you are able to give one another? That way you can just be like roomies until your kids are grown up and then you can part ways. After all, that's what you're doing now anyway. The only thing different then what I suggest is you're the only one not getting your sexual needs met.

Sorry you're hurting but your codependence on her is what is killing you emotionally. You keep allowing her to do what she does because you feel you can't live without her so you stay and complain and enable.

This is a simple shit or get off the pot scenario. Learn ways to cope with it or get completely away from it. There is no other solution. She needs some therapy so that she can figure out whats wrong with her self-worth so she stops getting her feelings of worth and "prettiness" via the attention of men. Why she's addicted to new relationship energy. You need therapy to help you get the strength to form solid boundaries that if she crosses on you, you're gone.

Here's some links that will help you... if not in this relationship then at least so you don't repeat in the next one.

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

Codependent people have weak boundaries or none at all. Work on yours, OP.

On Edit:

basically she needs to take responsibility for her thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs, and actions towards herself and you.

And so do you, Op. Stop your enabling behaviour, form personal boundaries and work on your own self-worth. If you don't, then you will likely end up picking (or once again staying with)someone without boundaries herself and with the need for male attention just like the other one.

It always takes two to tango. (not saying that is an excuse to cheat because it's not).

[Smila]

It seems that everyone agrees that she has something going on that keeps her going out.
As for time frame, i think someone said therapy...i agree on that...

Suggest that both of you need therapy...that way you could see if her issue is something that could be fixed with some professional help.

if she agrees ...Good....then take it from there.
But if she fights it...then its obvious she does not want to resolve anything....Start dictating terms...and resume your separation talks

[Jamie698]

She's already having counselling and has had a session a week since early January, in reflection I could do with a little as the codependent thing I had never really thought about and it's touched a nerve. I think I need some time out from the pressure of the situation, not running away but a little me time is needed. An old friend from the Middle East has offered a get away which I think I'll take next week.

[Boisdevie]

She's already having counselling.

Hope the counsellor isn't a guy as she'll probably be doing him as well.

[michelle23]

She is acting like this is your fault and your job to fix it and you are letting her. This is ridiculous. She is in the wrong here for the second time and you are enabling her bad behavior. She will do this again-there is no doubt about that and this time she has feelings for the other man. Hes not going anywhere. She is still seeing him. She made it perfectly clear he is staying in her life.

You are a doormat. She has all the power and control. She is dangling you on a string like a puppet. Where are your balls? Strangers on this forum have more passion and fire about your situation then you do. Take this bitch down off her pedastal and see her for what she is.

You say you feel like a mug? Well you are a mug. Your co-dependent, low self esteem, low self worth and you choose to let her keep hurting you coz you cannot bear the thought of being alone. You would be happier on your own. Go and get some therapy and find the strenght to leave her once and for all.

Right now you are living in hell and love is not supposed to be so hard or so painful. Its supposed to make you happy. Did nobody ever teach you that?

[Jamie698]

It's ok Michelle I can handle the answer. I'm actually a really confident guy, good looking and successful, she is my kryptonite and I do allow her to take advantage, fairly simple really. The thing is, I've had a few long term relationships up to my wife, and although I've of course cared for my previous partners, I've always been a bit of a c**t towards them, I guess this is karma. Its all a big pros and cons list in reality, one which shouldn't be rushed in my situation with my kids as priority. Thus, she is moving out on a 6 month lease elsewhere with the understanding of minimal verbal contact for logistics only (my suggestion), and reassess then, how's that for co-dependency Will I learn to live without her in that time yes, will I still love her yes, will she have had enough counselling to kill the cheat virus, I don't think its curable, will she want to be with me, the grass is never greener, will I want to give our marriage another pop, hopefully time will tell which is the point.

[mollymari]

You two have lasted this long, raising a family, a house, a home. It is unfortunate she has the "cheat virus" as you put it. I cannot imagine the trust issues that go along with this. At least she tells you after it happens. I guess that's some comfort.
But you are right, your children are the priority now and time will tell how you and your Mrs. fair.
good luck with the trial separation. Often it takes that kind of space to remember the qualities that drew you to one another in the first place.
good luck

[Wakeup]

will I want to give our marriage another pop, hopefully time will tell which is the point.

Get your own therapy in this six month trial separation period. You'll be better equipped to make a logical conclusion rather then one based on your fear of being without her. There will really be no sense to a six month separation only to go back to her and the same if YOU haven't worked on YOU just as much as she has been working on herself.

You need help with boundary setting... personal and relationship boundaries.

Good luck.