Why did he disappear?! Please respond. TIME SENSITIVE

[ccmorgan]

Hello. I am new to this forum but I have a question that is making me crazy!
A guy I knew from HS recently contacted me and asked me out. I accepted and we had been texting back and forth until our date. I even met him for 5 mins the other day for a cup of coffee. Now all of a sudden...crickets! He sent me a text yesterday which I responded to and that was it! I haven't heard from him. Our date is supposed to be tonight. I hesitate to text him again because 1) I don't want to seem desperate or like I'm begging 2) if he's trying to send the message that he has changed his mind I don't want to seem stupid like I don't get it and 3) I was kinda digging this guy and I guess part of me doesn't want the rejection. I figure if I let it go maybe its not what I think it is.

What's so confusing to me is that this guy PURSUED ME! I never even really noticed him until he contacted me. I thought maybe when we met for coffee he didn't like what he saw BUT he knew what I looked like cause he saw me in person a week prior which was the reason he said he wanted to look me up?! So why has he all of a sudden disappeared?! And should I ask him about our date? Or assume its not happening? And lastly as a more general question...we are not children. Him and I are both 36 years old! If he changed his mind why not just say so? Don't men know that the "disappearing act" is not only frustrating but it's made me feel like I have done something wrong when in reality I was just responding to his advances. I was starting to like him and really wanted to go on this date and now I feel like I'm 16 and just want to cry and key his car!!! Please help! I need some kind of perspective!

[Mattiemae]

Well i would just ask! Really what do you have to lose? It's just a general question. Say you haven't heard from him, and was wondering if the date was still on, so you have adequate time to prepare yourself, or make other plans. Really there is nothing wrong with asking. I just would hate sitting around, and assume the date was still on or off. If he doesn't reply you know he's a jerk and move on. lol That's just my style, if you're not honest, and can't be big enough to say what is happening. Why waste my time.

[Smila]

Sorry to hear that..Disappearing acts happen all the time (Male and female) i just posted something last week about the same disappearing act.. At least mine had a couple of dates...and then just poof!! not texts, no response..and yes!! we are both in our 30's.
In your case, he made the move ..(mine was the other way round) but there is a way you could go about this..send him a neutral text ..something like "hey there, how is your day going?"..or something in that range....see if he responds....and then you will know if he is still on. If he does not respond, THEN, HE HAS BAILED

[Gabe860]

I had this same situation a few weeks ago, just be blunt and ask what's going on for tonight? After all it's his loss if he blows you off!

[ccmorgan]

I had this same situation a few weeks ago, just be blunt and ask what's going on for tonight? After all it's his loss if he blows you off!

I think I am going to shoot him a text and see what happens but out of curiosity...how did your situation end? I guess I'm asking cause I'm holding out hope that he's really not an a**hole! Lol

[Gabe860]

It actually was a simple misunderstanding of when we were going out and a broken cell phone. We met the next and she was very apologetic of the situation.

[ccmorgan]

Ok....thinking I'm going to send this text. Do you think it's light hearted enough or is it condescending?
"Heading out for the afternoon. Are we still on for tonight or have you chickened out?"

[Gabe860]

Perfect!!!!

[smackie9]

Go by their actions and not what they tell you, because if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. A. he might be married or have a GF, or B. he got a better offer.

Let this one go.

[Wakeup]

Ok....thinking I'm going to send this text. Do you think it's light hearted enough or is it condescending?
"Heading out for the afternoon. Are we still on for tonight or have you chickened out?"

This is NOT "perfect." You are not framing yourself as the prize. You are clearly letting him know that you feel he is the prize and thereby giving him ALL the power in this very new and uncommitted introduction.

You do not know anything about him since you haven't seen him since highschool so don't be chasing him. If you're going to text him then just text. "I haven't heard from you, are we still meeting tonight" If you don't know where you're meeting then ask him that as well. If you do know where you're supposed to meet then don't go unless he confirms.

You'd think you were dating for months/years the way you've framed him as important to you as you have. Stop that now before you **** up your own mind even worse. He's not that important, really he's not.

You really do NEED to start framing yourself as the prize and if he's not wanting to see whats inside of you (getting to know you well) then you're better off without the assclown.

On edit. DO listen to smackie and find out if he's married before you get any more involved with him. Don't screw him unless its at his house. He'll have you there quick enough if he's not married or living with someone.

[ccmorgan]

Wow! Glad I didn't send it yet lol. I know he's not married. We live in the same town and have the same friends etc. Its kind of part of the reason I was so confused. I see him all the time. Literally see him 5 days a week. He is a cop in our town that patrols drop off at school in the mornings. So I'm so bewildered on why he would behave this way when he can't truly just avoid me. I can move on to the next but don't want our "sightings" of each other to be uncomfortable.

[Gabe860]

We'll the fact that he was perusing you at first means there is some sort of feeling. So you perusing him for a follow up text on dinner is not that big of a deal AT ALL. Follow your heart.

[Wakeup]

So I'm so bewildered on why he would behave this way

What way? He's not done anything wrong yet. You have expectations that you've never voiced to him and you're upset because he's not living up to them.

If he doesn't contact you about your date, then so what? At this point, he owes you nothing but the courtesy to tell you that he's not making your date. At this point you should have zero expectations from him except common courtesy.

You'll find out soon enough and if it doesn't turn out the way you "expected" it to, then your sightings only have to be "uncomfortable" if you're silly enough to let them be that way... its your emotional response to whats happening or whats happened that YOU need to work on.

You can still be friendly when you see him. "Hi how ya doin" You would just be a complete door mat if you actually went out with him again after he's been inconsiderate and without courtesy towards you.

On edit:

I never even really noticed him until he contacted me. I thought maybe when we met for coffee he didn't like what he saw BUT he knew what I looked like cause he saw me in person a week prior

Now I'm confused. If you see him everyday then why would you even think "he didn't like what he saw?" You're waaaaaaaay tooooo much in your own head.

Follow your heart.

At this point you should not be following your heart because your expectations are ruling you. You should follow your logical brain. If you want to contact him to ask what's up then do so, just don't be framing him as some pedestal god that you can't live without. "A simple. Are we still on for tonight. If so, what time and where? "

[Smila]

We'll the fact that he was perusing you at first means there is some sort of feeling. So you perusing him for a follow up text on dinner is not that big of a deal AT ALL. Follow your heart.

err..follow your heart??
At this point, bad idea..
Follow your head (expect nothing except common courtesy)...

Wait till 2 hours before your date and send him something more direct...."are we still on for tonight (date/dinner)?" This is perfectly normal as i have had dates that the ladies had to check a couple of hours prior to ensure that it is still on. You are an adult. I GUARANTEE YOU, HE WILL RESPOND....except he is childish..then that will tell you a lot...

[ccmorgan]

It's going to be what's its going to be. I just thought he was a cool guy, he put in the work to get me interested and it worked. Was just looking for some insight as to whether him sort of "dropping the ball" was me being paranoid or a sign that he changed his mind. I am recently (less than year) separated and haven't been in this dating game in a long time.

- - - Updated - - -

I do have to say this though...I appreciate your harsh to the point response. It's making me feel less insecure and more F*** Him!

Thanks!