Newly Wed, nearly dead? Why can't I forgive him?

[cookies27]

I went to the doctor today, and all went well. It was nice to just talk to her about how I was feeling etc. I'm going to try out Welbutrin for a while and see how that goes- it should give me some more energy she said and it might even help me with quitting smoking haha.

Things have been going really well for us lately. Very minimal fighting and I actually kind of just opened up to him and told him I feel like I'm going crazy and that the stress of all the fighting was just kicking me while I was down. We did have a fight last week but it was over something really ridiculous and I actually was the bigger person for once, and told him we both just need to step away and come back when we were less mad. I've been reading a lot in LF and it really did help to just walk away for an hour and come back- cooler heads prevailed and we talked it out. It wasn't even regarding all of this, just a silly disagreement that escalated because we're both a bit shaky after everything.

He's been really supportive and understanding about how I'm feeling- I think things are gradually getting better everyday. I also bought one of those sun lamp things and I'm going to try that out too tomorrow and see if it makes a difference on just pulling me out of my crappy moodiness.

My doc also sent me for bloodwork to test for signs of PCOS and to check my thyroid, B12 and ferratin levels (spelling? sorry) just to see if maybe I have some hormones out of whack or something. I feel really positive about all of it and I'm hoping it'll bring me up out of my funk.

I think if I can be a stronger person, I'll be able to better handle all of this and be a better wife as well. We'll see!

Oh and I have been to the gym the past two days and actually started yoga, which has been really relaxing, I think I'm a fan for life.

[Valixy]

I think if I can be a stronger person.

You are a strong person. The way you're facing these problems is quite a lesson and he's joining your efforts. It's not easy to change the dynamics of a relationship but you are a really tough cookie :-)

[cookies27]

Thank you, Valixy. I don't feel like it most days haha. I just hope that things will get better. Just being on LF has helped an immense deal- getting to see that I'm not the only one going through crazy things. Definitely don't feel so lost and alone anymore that's for sure. Really glad I found this place!

[cookies27]

Well, it happened again.

I went out to my friends house for the day to hang out with her. I left Skype on.

When I came home, he was livid. Calling me a liar and names and saying that he heard me having sex on Skype. I had to get him to call my friend (who he spoke to for over an hour and accused her of lying, AND her boyfriend, AND her brother, because the whole world is conspiring against him so I can screw around) who explained to him I was with her all day. Then he called my mother to confirm, of course. And then he wanted to see my bank statement proving where I was.

I told him that I am not going back to the U.S. until he gets professional help, and maybe not even then. I just can't do it anymore. I know, it's my fault that this happened in the first place. But how long am I supposed to pay for it and be nice and be humiliated by him calling my friends and family members?

Please help, guys. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything was so good for such a long time- and tonight it was even worse! He wasn't even saying I was sleeping with my ex anymore, now I've moved on apparently and I'm screwing everything in sight. It wasn't even ABOUT the ex today! This whole thing is so screwed up.

I love him so much, what do I freaking do?

[basilandthyme]

What do you do? You question your love for him!

Seriously girl, what goes through your mind when he says these appalling things to you and you still love him anyway? No, this isn't a rhetorical question. I can tell you that if a man did to me what he did in the above post, he wouldn't see me for dust.

[smackie9]

I called it.....the flood gates are open again.

[rest77]

It wouldn't surprise me that it happens again. I have dated an abusive guy, I know how they work. They are nasty to you, then they say they are sorry, all the right things, suck up to you, and things are amazing for a little while, then the flood gates of jealous and accusations open up again.

Well, it happened again.

I went out to my friends house for the day to hang out with her. I left Skype on.

When I came home, he was livid. Calling me a liar and names and saying that he heard me having sex on Skype. I had to get him to call my friend (who he spoke to for over an hour and accused her of lying, AND her boyfriend, AND her brother, because the whole world is conspiring against him so I can screw around) who explained to him I was with her all day. Then he called my mother to confirm, of course. And then he wanted to see my bank statement proving where I was.

I told him that I am not going back to the U.S. until he gets professional help, and maybe not even then. I just can't do it anymore. I know, it's my fault that this happened in the first place. But how long am I supposed to pay for it and be nice and be humiliated by him calling my friends and family members?

Please help, guys. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything was so good for such a long time- and tonight it was even worse! He wasn't even saying I was sleeping with my ex anymore, now I've moved on apparently and I'm screwing everything in sight. It wasn't even ABOUT the ex today! This whole thing is so screwed up.

I love him so much, what do I freaking do?

The only person that can help you is YOU Yourself. I was there myself before, after my ex BF is done verbally abusing me, he will later apologize in a very, very nice lovely tone. But, guess what he kept repeating the same thing all over again.

As much as i loved him back then, i have my self worth.

I had to tell him, you know what, I am not the right partner for you. ( I was so glad i wasn't pregnant for him. And i told him that too )

[cookies27]

*Update*

Me again, I'm sure you're all tired of this randomly showing up every now and again lol.

So, he did go to see his doctor and is now taking some medication to help with his anxiety. It seems to be working OK. I am now back in the U.S. and we are going to see a psychologist on Thursday together. It can't come at a better time either...

When I first got back here, things were really good. We were happy to see each other, enjoyed each others company etc. But for the past 3 days, I just feel so hopeless and not at all like myself. I'm missing home a lot and I have no friends here. And I just find that he's just getting on my nerves. He keeps asking me what's wrong every 5 seconds. He's also a very touchy-feely person and he's always hugging on me etc. and it's just driving me insane. I just want to scream at him and cry. But if I go back to that attitude after everything was fine when I first got here, that's hardly fair on him...But I don't know, maybe it was just the whole hype of seeing each other, the adrenaline of it all, and now that I've settled in, I'm right back to feeling like a Debbie Downer and like I don't want him to touch me and sometimes, I don't even want to hear him talk.

It's really discouraging. I just feel like a roller coaster. Some days, I'm like yes, I want to make this work. Other days, I wish I'd never married him. The Welbutrin seems to help calm me down a bit to where I just don't want to bother fighting about things, but I'm still feeling really unhappy overall here.

I'm hoping that our trip to the psychologist will help tomorrow. He keeps saying oh we're going to see the psychologist tomorrow, like somehow I need it more than he does because he's been bothering me constantly about what's wrong etc. I freaking hate that! I just want some bloody space and he's all over me. And I can't really go anywhere- I don't know anyone here and I have nobody to talk to. I try to go out in the mornings but then I just end up spending money on crap I don't need because I have nothing else to do lol. I need to make some friends here, but I work from home and just don't know how to go about it. I thought of maybe joining a book club, but the only one I can find in the area is at the library and I can't get a library card since I'm not from the area lol. Any ideas on where to meet people? I'm 27 years old, and I feel like I'm 45 sometimes lol. "Please be my friend" haha. I don't have trouble making friends, I just don't know where to go to make them! I will be starting to go to the gym tomorrow though, so maybe just working out will make me feel better. I don't really know.

Sorry for the long post, just feeling a bit lost and useless. Feels good just to write it down. Thanks guys.

[Valixy]

From your last posts, your relationship seems to generate far too much friction in a way or another...Hopefully the visit at the psychologist will help you put everything in the right perspective and generate a positive change in your life.

[cookies27]

Yeah, I feel like it's unhealthy now. Like it's finally starting to sink in you know? I mean, I always KNEW but now I'm really feeling it. We'll see how tomorrow goes anyways. Thanks Valixy x