GF's family...Advice Please!!

[thatguy12525]

My GF and I are both college graduates in our early 20's. I dont want to come off as being a jerk here, but my girlfriend seems to be extremely close to her extended family. I'm talking 2nd cousins, 2nd cousins' children, etc... She probably sees her extended family about once a month, and always expects me to attend these family events with her. I See my second cousins maybe once a year. I only have 4 first cousins, 2 living close that I see often, and 2 that live 3 hours away who I rarely see. The reason I'm writing this post is that I think it's odd that she sees her extended family this often and I honestly don't think that I should have to attend these events with her. I have no problem spending time with her immediate family (she lives with her mom, dad, grandma, brother and sister). In fact, I see her dad every day, as he is my boss and we have a good relationship. I just really don't like spending my weekends with her extended family. The fact that I have nothing in common with anyone in her family doesnt help the situation. I am obsessed with sports and enjoy computers and some other things as well. It seems as her family only enjoys food. At family events all they do is sit around and watch the food network for hours. It is extremely annoying and I am constantly bored out of my mind. Also, I work about 50 hours a week, and it takes me an hour and a half each way, to get to and from work. That's 65 hours a week dedicated to work and all I want to do on the weekend is relax, and and enjoy my free time. I enjoy sports and love to play basketball with my friends or maybe go to the bar or just relax at home because I literally have no time to relax during the week. I try to tell my GF this as a reason why I do not want to attend these family events with her and this makes her upset. She usually says something like "I always go to your family events and you never want to go to mine". The only difference is that My family events include my close family (mom, dad, bro, grandparents when they were alive, sometimes aunt uncle and first cousins), and I never make her go. I always ask her if she wants to and tell her it's fine if she doesn't. Her family events include her extended family (second cousins and their kids and usually totals at like 20-25 people), and she doesn't ask me if I want to go, she says she expects me to go. Maybe it's the fact that I was never extremely close to my second cousins, but her seeing them this much seem quite excessive to me and I'd rather spend my free time enjoying myself instead of spending time with her extended family. Am I just being selfish? What do you think

[Starnique]

She's close to her extended family. Its really that simple. You're not close to yours. She is. Don't try to figure it out. That's just the way it is.

However, I don't think you're being selfish for not wanting to spending your free time with her extended family or even immediate family for that matter. You do go on occasions and she should be okay with that. I think she is being selfish by expecting you to go all of the time.

You need to have a talk with her about this to put an end to it. Break it down to her since she acts like she doesn't get it or care, in which case is something you need to think about in terms of your relationship. Her selfishness. Tell her what you said here. You work all the time. You have the right to spend your free time however you want to and you will join her every now and again but her expecting you to go and getting an attitude because you don't go is becoming a problem. One of which you're not going to let keep happening. You date her, not her family. Whats the issue with her just spending time with you and not 20 other people? Ask her that. Just be very str8 up with her and tell her you're not going and she is selfish and immature to expect you to go all the time. You have a life also and you dont want to spend it watching the damn food channel. Its simple as that. If she don't like it. That's too bad or get another GF

[thatguy12525]

Thank you. I will try bringing this up with her again, I just hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.

[Starnique]

When you bring it up, don't ask how she feels about it. If you truly don't like a situation then don't continue to put up with it. Just tell her what it is. Its obvious you care about her because if you didn't, you would never go. You are willing to go sometimes, when you have the time and that's it. Not every time. You're not the selfish one here. She is for not understanding this. Its almost common sense, who'd want to spend all their free time or attend those sort of functions all the time? If she doesn't get it when u talk to her, then you should be able to see the kind of person you're dealing with.

[searock]

Your gf reminds me of my brother's gf... she too is very close to her extended family and expects him to want to go to every one of their gatherings. She is offended if he doesn't go and even if he doesn't invite her to every single gathering of his (i.e. our) family. It's extremely annoying, I honestly don't know how he puts up with it. However, it's just the way she was brought up. To her, it's perfectly normal to be like that, just as to us it's normal to not be like that. This doesn't mean that you should put up with it. Just like you should understand that it's perfectly normal for her to be so close to her extended family, she should understand that it's perfectly normal for you not to be, especially not to her extended family. She has nothing to get upset about.

Just tell her you don't want to spend ALL your weekends with her family, you have a life and hobbies of your own that you would like to enjoy, without having to constantly worry of her making you feel guilty for absolutely no reason. It's perfectly healthy to have some time away from each other. If she doesn't understand that this doesn't mean that you don't love her or care about her or whatever, well tough sh*t. She's going to have to come to terms with it sooner or later.

[basilandthyme]

They may be extended family, but more importantly they are her FRIENDS. Replace the word cousins with friends and then treat the problem the same as you would with any of her other friends.

[Mattiemae]

Sounds like differenet family values. Kind of like being in the Netherlands right now and being from America. lol Everyone hugs and kusjes every body here. Also they eat cake and drink tea every time you visit them. At home i never see may family much. So it is just explaining to her you're not used to her family traditions and it's not the same as your family traditions. It sounds like her family is connected with everyone and close. While yours is immediate family. We assume our family is like our partnrs, but there are different family dynamics.

One or the other isn't right or wrong. Just what they prefer in the family unit. So you might have to just compromise with her and say maybe once or twice a month you will go hang out with them if they're extended, but explain what you just did here, you want some weekends to relax and do what you want to do. So not that your complaining, and support her family ties, sometimes she just has to compromise with you and accept your family units have different traditions and ways. She won't like everything your family does. lol So all you can do is find creative ways to point out things to her. But again some people get defensive.

[rest77]

As long as you both are together this is somehow always going to affect the relationship, because that is the way she probably was brought up. Mandatory to attend every family meeting, visiting mum, brothers or sisters, uncle e.t.c

Had that experience with my Ex when even he visits his mum, brothers or sister, he wouldn't leave not until maybe mid night. No matter how i try to persuade him that i have other things to do, he will keep telling me, that we would leave soon, but we always never did, not until he wants to leave or his family are tired and want him to leave. I try talk to him about how i don't feel comfortable going every time to visit his family and spending 7 to 8 hours or even till midnight, but he just didn't get it, because that was how he was brought up. We fought about this, but he insist that is how it works in his family and being his GF then, i would have to always go with him.