Advice on affair

[Sebastian H]

Hi all,

I hope you can offer me some advice. Around 10 months ago I discovered my partner of 7 years with whom I live with and have two very small children with was having an affair which had been going on for some time. It was denied at the time and I was called all the usual names ‘liar’, ‘paranoid’ etc but I trusted what my gut instinct was telling me and delved deeper in the end finding out from her phone about the sexual relationship she had with another man whilst I was at home with the children. She was telling me she was going out with friends and in reality was hooking up at cheap hotels for sex with this man (several of the messages I read was enquiring about the hotel location and what he was going to do to her). She even brought him back to the family home while I was at work. He's even played with my children at times.

She is 10 years my junior and an excellent mother in truth but the affair has ruined our relationship which is beyond reconciliation. It was devastating for me at the time because the man she had an affair with was everything I was not. He’s tall, good-looking, party-animal type of guy her own age. Despite my families insistence that I kick her out of the family home I agreed to let her stay until such a time as she could be on her own two feet but it was mainly down to the children who are both so young. 10 months on and I have slept on the couch ever since she is finally in the process of getting accommodation sorted which is local to me. It has been difficult because I am very much a family man and knowing what the children are going to be put through hurts deeply. I have been carrying around a lot of anger towards my ex-partner over the affair which isn’t healthy but I agreed to be amicable for the children’s sake although at times its hard not to blurt something out in anger.

Right now she is still living under my roof (and I’m still on the couch) and she has been going out recently and my gut instinct started kicking into overdrive again. So I checked on the facebook page of the man she had an affair with and there on the cover image is a picture of her kissing him and recently. It was a night she was going out with her ‘friends’ and the picture was uploaded 2 weeks ago.

My question really, should I just accept and move on to the fact that she is still meeting up with the guy who broke our family up?

Or should I tell her I’ve seen the picture and in my opinion you shouldn’t kick a man when he’s down especially when he’s been so accommodating and when you’re still living under his roof. To me it tells me what she really thinks of me and I feel the need to say something but am struggling with the words.

[bekho]

You are still thinking about this situation with rose tinted glasses. Romaticising that you are being a gentleman, keeping the family together. All the while your wife is ****ing some other guy.

I can't tell you what to do because it is so hard. Being cheated on is terrible and it will take a long time for you to recover... The earlier to face this reality, the earlier you will be on the path of recovery.

If I were you I would kick her out. Make sure you record the cheating evidence somewhere. Either make a copy online or take photos.

You need to kick her out. I think you will want to cling on forever. As I have before, but there is no salvaging a situation like this.

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[smackie9]

Accept and move on. Your happiness is a must. The children would be happier raised in an enviroment where both parents are happy and separated rather than having a parent that is angry, unhappy and stressed out, sleeping on the couch. Children are very perceptive about their surroundings including the tenstion between mom and dad.

You are letting her get away with murder. She is taking her situation for granted, having you sit at home while she has her fun and excitement. Let her discover what it's really like to have responsability when she has to raise those kids part time and won't have the freedom to "have a night out" when she feels like it.

Get a lawyer in regards to child custody, etc and get that settled and tell her you are all moving so she better find her own place to live.

[basilandthyme]

I've got a fairly pragmatic approach: you and she are officially broken up, so I think she can sleep with whoever she wants. If the two of you were trying to reconcile, I'd have a much different opinion.

Having said that, why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? She's the one who cheated, so she should be the one who's uncomfortable. And yes, feel free to say that the current living arrangement is no longer working for you and that she needs to leave now. I'm sure she'll find some other accommodation.

[michelle23]

Stop being so nicey nice. If it were the other way round and you cheated, I am sure she would boot your ass out the door faster than you can say sorry.. that is what I would do. It is no different just because she is a woman. Your marriage is over so get rid of her and go back to your own bed in your house. Yes I know its tricky with children but you have given her enough time to get herself sorted and you will not heal while you both live under the same roof. It is time for you to move on with your life. Arrange custody and tell her she has to go

[4 ratties]

Shes just going to keep disrespecting you. she has no morals or respect for anybody. glad shes a "good mom" though for breaking her family up so she could get some cock.psh. you could get custody of these kids if u wanted. get evidence of the affair.
doesnt she have a mother, father, sister, or friend she could go live with? its really not fair to you to have this slut in your space. I wouldnt allow it anymore. what actions is she taking to get out?

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[Sebastian H]

Thanks guys. Just to answer some of these points.

I know I have let her get away with so much and if it wasnt for the children she would have been on the street. It's not the kids fault their mother strayed so I swallowed my anger and let her stay until she found somewhere to live.

yes we are broken up and yes she can sleep with whoever she wants, I understand that completely but I think my point was that through all the lies and deception she has recently been back with the guy who broke us up in the first instance which hurts. She can do whatever she likes in her own home but under my roof I have a problem with that. She shoudl be concentrating on the children and moving out (her new house is being decorated at the moment)

I opted for the couch because I felt she was the busier of the two (i.e. I just work 9-5 and she looks after the children and works nights)

What I really wanted to know was whether I should confront her about the recent picture of her back with the guy and say this is unacceptable while still living with me?

[basilandthyme]

It depends on what you want to achieve when confronting her. If you want her to stop seeing him while under your roof, she'll probably tell you what you want to hear and then go and see him anyway. Or, if you want to use it as grounds for throwing her out - then by all means, go ahead.

[Sebastian H]

It depends on what you want to achieve when confronting her. If you want her to stop seeing him while under your roof, she'll probably tell you what you want to hear and then go and see him anyway. Or, if you want to use it as grounds for throwing her out - then by all means, go ahead.

I think in one sense I want to make her squirm a little and see if the lies continue but in another I want to make a point that I know what she is doing, it shows she continues to have no respect for me and puts this guy before her children which are the most important thing in the world.

[MeByLife]

Dude....... the disrespect I am reading about in this post is unbelievable. I can't believe you're actually letting her get away with something like this and for this long. I understand how you feel considering the kids and all but COME ON. You HAVE to stand up for yourself man. You seem like you're a really nice guy and deserve much better than how you're being treated. Record and save every piece of evidence you get/have and start to make a move NOW. The faster you deal with this, the faster you'll be on a road to recovery, not to mention that the kids living such a dysfunctional household isn't healthy. Keep in mind that you two are the one's who are setting examples for them. As far as her, excuse my language and by all means, no disrespect to you with what I'm about to say about your "partner" but... **** THAT BITCH. She's no good and knows EXCATLY what she's doing and obviously doesn't give a ****. I think it's time that you put on your big boy shoes and showed her what time it is. I'm sure if it was the other way around, she wouldn't hesitate to make sure that you pay for the foul things you've done. I know just knowing these facts must be killing you inside and you want nothing more than to get passed this. Well I can tell you this my friend, as long as you continue to sit and let it happen, nothing's going to change and you can't expect to have a peace of mind if you continue NOT to deal with this situation. I mean honestly, how are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? I'll be damn if I'm living life uncomfortably under my own roof while I KNOW that my "partner" is out messing around and sleeping peacefully at night. With you sleeping on the couch and all, I'm pretty sure that she has an idea that you might be hip to just what's going on but yet, she still does what she does anyway. She's blatantly showing you that she could careless, otherwise she would have taken the changes in the household into consideration. Get up, it's time to make a change and time for you to be happy. No one deserves to be treated like this... smh.

[HeartIsAching]

I've got a fairly pragmatic approach: you and she are officially broken up, so I think she can sleep with whoever she wants. If the two of you were trying to reconcile, I'd have a much different opinion.

Having said that, why are YOU the one sleeping on the couch? She's the one who cheated, so she should be the one who's uncomfortable. And yes, feel free to say that the current living arrangement is no longer working for you and that she needs to leave now. I'm sure she'll find some other accommodation.

Pretty much exactly what I was going to say - both points.

Gather your evidence, bring it to your divorce proceedings - it'll help you get a better deal.

[rest77]

I want to make a point that I know what she is doing, it shows she continues to have no respect for me and puts this guy before her children which are the most important thing in the world.

It wouldn't make much sense, besides that's why she probably put up their kissing picture on Facebook so that you can see that she is done!

Ask her to leave!


- - - Updated - - -

So I checked on the facebook page of the man she had an affair with and there on the cover image is a picture of her kissing him and recently.

[FlaCooln]

Put her SHIT in a bag leave, leave it by the front door, and kick her cheatingass out! No more thinking about this. She cheated, lied, and totally ruined your marriage. Time to say I'm done and get the **** out. Get those divorce/dissolution of marriage papers ready.

[michelle23]

Op she probably never stopped seeing him. Look up emotional affairs and do your research. Shes all infatuated by him-thinking she has found her soul mate and they will live happily ever after in pixy land. She is away with the fairies-completely deluded. An affair is a fantasy-an escape from reality.

Let her go and experience reality with him. Right now you are giving her the best of both worlds. She still has her safe haven with you and he is still a fantasy. Once the honeymoon period fades she will probably have major regrets and realize shes thrown a good life down the toilet for nothing.

This man is "everything your not" remember? Unreliable, unstable, a party animal, probably a cheat, not father material... thats her karma. Give it 2-3 months and she will wish she never met him. Thats how 99% of affairs go.

Meanwhile you move on, heal, find a good woman and be the best dad you can be. That is the best karma

It wouldnt surprise me if she came crawling back at some point begging for another chance. They usually do. Tell her to get stuffed. Onwards and upwards

[Sunnybeach7]

I think she needs a cold hard dose of reality.. Honestly.. you should tell her she has to leave now.
Hey.. she could live with this guy.. since he's so great.. she wouldn't be on the street. If he won't take her in.. oh well.. she should have made better choices.

What you are doing is just enabling her to have her cake and eat it too. She's got somewhere to live, she's got her kids, (at least when she's not f***ing the guy in your bed), it seems like she gets what she wants whenever she wants. Why would she be motivated to leave?

And you on the couch? Come on man.. at least make her sleep on the couch.. the way I see it.. she has no right to be in the bed.. she's the one who screwed up.. don't make her comfortable.
You're not married to her are you? Go file for custody.. right now.. before she does. Don't wait for her to get "set up" in a new place... that will give her more power in the custody battle.

She's a liar and a cheater and she doesn't care about your feelings, she doesn't care about the damage she is doing to your kids by bringing a 3rd man into the picture. I don't know how young they are, but I'm sure if they don't know what is going on now.. they will figure it out when they are a bit older.

You need to get her out.. so you can heal and take care of your kids. Yes, she does not respect you.. that's obvious by her actions.. no need to confront her about a picture when she is not going to care about what you feel.. she is not sorry! She's just taking advantage of your kindness right now. You deserve better than that.

I don't care how good-looking, how "party animal" perfect he is.. if she was going to give up family life and start f***ing around with someone else.. she owed you the courtesy to break it off with you first.

Do you want her there when this guy is done with her and she knows she has no one and plays up to you so she has security until she can find the next guy?

I'm all for forgiveness and everything.. even in situations like this.. if she had been sorry for what she did.. regretted her actions.. decided to stay away from this guy for the sake of your relationship and such.. that would be one thing.. but her actions show clearly that she doesn't care about your feelings.

One more thing.. this guy has been doing it with her even in your own home.. so he knows about you too and doesn't care. He knows she was not single. Make it clear that this guy is NOT allowed near your house and that if he is caught there, you will have him removed by the police.. tell her you got cameras set up too.. and that you are going to send all his FB friends the nice sex videos .. ok.. not so nice.. but this kind of thing really makes me bent.