How do you stop yourself from investing?

[violet11]

I don't fall for people very often, but when I do, I fall fast and hard. I get blinded, and ignore massive red flags. I just had my heart completely smashed, and I cannot put myself through this again.

I've got a new set of standards for my life and what I deserve. I know I need to be more demanding, and not ignore red flags. But, I don't know how to stop from getting invested in a guy I like.

I know you shouldn't invest fully until you're engaged (or even married), but how do you prevent this? Once I meet a guy I'm attracted to who's also on my wavelength it's like something possesses me. Help….!

[hatesthis]

Why do you ignore the red flags? it is your minds way of alerting and protecting you listen to them, that is how you avoid investing in losers who will hurt you. Ask new guys more detailed questions about themselves,a sk others about them too before investing. No you can invest long before engaged or married if the guy is worth it and right for you and honest/faithful.

[basilandthyme]

Investing yourself at engagement or marriage is too late.....you need to be fully invested to get to that point.

My question is also about the red flags. In a hypothetical situation, say your boyfriend called you the C word during a fight. What thought process would happen to you to make you ignore the flag? What if he's 25 and has never worked a day in his life. Again, how do you justify staying with him?

[violet11]

Hatethis, what kind of detailed questions should I ask? I know from now on I'm going to make sure they're out of a relationship at least 6 months, but any other suggestions?

Basil, When something bothers me with a guy, I brush my feelings aside. I make excuses for them, tell myself it doesn't matter, that I'm demanding too much / being needy. I thought I was being enlightened and compassionate, but actually I was just co-dependent…

And about the investing before engagement… really? My sister told me that until she got engaged to her husband she didn't let go with him fully in bed. I normally invest totally within two months so I can have no clue what the right protocol is.

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Btw Basil, I want to thank you. A few months ago I was here asking the question "Why do I keep getting treated so badly?" and you told me I needed to be more demanding. You were right. Thanks for being the first person to alert me to it I'm working on building boundaries.

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for the feedback

Part of not being treated badly is to say "f@#& this" when you see bad behaviour and to walk away.

For example, my instant deal-breaker list would include:

being sworn at
being told that I'm stupid
not being able to amicably resolve a disagreement
seeing rudeness towards others (if he's rude to them, it's only a matter of time before he's rude to me)
apologising for something and then doing the same thing again
chronic unemployment
drug or alcohol use which is outside my comfort zone
checking my phone or email. (I leave them unlocked and don't care if others use them for convenience - but don't go reading my stuff)

And for what it's worth, I was separated from my ex-h for only 2 months when I got together with my now hubby. It's good to be wary of someone who's just out of a relationship, but don't pass up on a good thing if there are no other issues.

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Hatethis, what kind of detailed questions should I ask? I know from now on I'm going to make sure they're out of a relationship at least 6 months, but any other suggestions?

On the subject of asking questions, for me it's about finding out their attitudes to live, love, community etc and seeing if they are compatible with me. While a lot will come up during general discussions, I believe that a lot of this can be done by obeserving how he reacts when he hears of other people's situations...either his friends, or in the media.

Are his political views compatible with yours? (as a 'bleeding heart leftie' I should have added that someone who votes to the far right would be a dealbreaker)
Is his attitude to money compatible with yours?
How does he envisage married life? Kids?
Is his level of sociability compatible? (too much/too little can be a problem either way)
If you have different religious beliefs, is there tolerance for each other's belief system?

How about you write a list of the bad things which have happened in previous relationships. Then under each item, write the clues which you ignored. This list will then become your own list of dealbreakers.

[Wakeup]

If you lack or have wishy washy personal boundaries then you are going to make excuses for people (not just men) that treat you poorly and you'll not see the fact that they are not valuing you instead of leaving them when they don't stop their poor behaviour of you.

Read these links: Hopefully they will help you to understand what's missing in your own sense of self-worth.

http://liveboldandbloom.com/08/life-coaching/want-to-boost-your-self-esteem-10-ways-to-establish-personal-boundaries

http://psychcentral.com/lib/the-importance-of-personal-boundaries/0001112

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/ending-codependency-in-relationships-find-and-live-who-you-really-are/

http://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/signs-of-a-codependent-relationship?page=2

Read those links and anything you can get your hands on about boundary setting, how to NOT feel guilty when you set a boundary as well as books on self-love/self-esteem/self-worth and help yourself to stop falling for men who do not deserve you.

[violet11]

Thanks ladies <3

Out of interest, what do you think of men withdrawing after beginning a sexual relationship? Orange flag?

Basil, Thanks for the deal breakers list! THat's a good starting place. My problems mostly have to do with men manipulating / controlling me by withholding love…. And from now on I will only give a guy two chances.

The questions - I ask all those. Im really picky about a man's opinions, values etc. - they have to be compatible with mine.

It's the way they treat women that I have blinkers to… My dad is a misogynist and I'm realising that I am attracted to men with similar views… who don't respect women, and kind of bully women into being undemanding (by rolling eyes etc). So I sculpted this personality that was the opposite of my mum in order to get my dad's approval, and now I keep going for men like that. UGH.

Wakeup, Thank you so much! I'm doing a lot of work on boundaries right now and experimenting with enforcing them in my life. Seems to be working, but I definitely need more help. I'll devour those articles.

Very happy to be on the road to better self esteem and better relationships

[FlaCooln]

Know your self-worth. How do you see yourself? What do you want out of a relationship? What do you expect from your boyfriend/lover (emotionally/mentally, physically/sexually, etc.)?

You really need to value yourself and know that you are worth it and if anyone takes advantage of you, mistreats you, and/or disrespects you that is NOT ok and you should NEVER be treated like that. Follow your instincts more (as others have already pointed out) and don't ignore the red flags. Open the lines of communication with your BF and actually talk to him, ask him questions, get to know him, and let him get to know you. Good communication and being open/honest with your feelings is very important. Don't wait for him to figure out what you want/need tell him where he is falling short because most guys never notice your subtle signs.

First and foremost if a man mistreats a woman, bullies, and/or controls her he is not a man just and insecure Napoleonic bastard. IMHO if a man withdraws after beginning a sexual relationship he was not serious with you at all, just wanted to get you in bed, and then he moved on (typical asshole).

Lastly, that list Basil gave you is spot on....A good man does not do any of those things. Women should be treated with the utmost respect because you are what we men live for, well at least I do.

[basilandthyme]

Out of interest, what do you think of men withdrawing after beginning a sexual relationship? Orange flag?

Not orange flag - it's a bloody DEALBREAKER. Don't waste your time on someone who is not reliable with their love and affections.

Basil, Thanks for the deal breakers list! THat's a good starting place. My problems mostly have to do with men manipulating / controlling me by withholding love…. And from now on I will only give a guy two chances.

If you really must give a second chance, it should only be ONE second chance. If they do the same a second time, it shows that their promise to not do it again was false.

It's the way they treat women that I have blinkers to… My dad is a misogynist and I'm realising that I am attracted to men with similar views… who don't respect women, and kind of bully women into being undemanding (by rolling eyes etc). So I sculpted this personality that was the opposite of my mum in order to get my dad's approval, and now I keep going for men like that. UGH.

Eyeroll is yet another dealbreaker. It shows disrespect and passive aggressiveness. So is 'tutting' (tsk, tsk) to show disapproval.

I think it's great that you've identified your parents as being the cause of your bad choices. We teach our children what is acceptable by demonstrating it to them. It will be a long journey to unlearn what you've been taught, but hang in there. And keep a dialogue going here too - if you're unsure, we can help with opinions.

[violet11]

Know your self-worth. How do you see yourself? What do you want out of a relationship? What do you expect from your boyfriend/lover (emotionally/mentally, physically/sexually, etc.)?

You really need to value yourself and know that you are worth it and if anyone takes advantage of you, mistreats you, and/or disrespects you that is NOT ok and you should NEVER be treated like that. Follow your instincts more (as others have already pointed out) and don't ignore the red flags. Open the lines of communication with your BF and actually talk to him, ask him questions, get to know him, and let him get to know you. Good communication and being open/honest with your feelings is very important. Don't wait for him to figure out what you want/need tell him where he is falling short because most guys never notice your subtle signs.

You're completely right. Low self esteem is at the root of all this, and that's what I need to work on. Apparently the way the human mind works is that when you start demanding more, you start believing you deserve more. I'm already letting go of some friendships… not intentionally, but its happening as a result of having better boundaries.

Eyeroll is yet another dealbreaker.

Basil… you rock

I think it's great that you've identified your parents as being the cause of your bad choices. We teach our children what is acceptable by demonstrating it to them. It will be a long journey to unlearn what you've been taught, but hang in there. And keep a dialogue going here too - if you're unsure, we can help with opinions.

Thanks so much for the support! Yeah, I've realised that my screening process for a "connection" is rigorous because I always felt "misunderstood" and out of place growing up. The last guy I was with was the first person I really felt connected to. So I wilfully ignored all the red flags, because the "connection" was more important than being treated well.

I'm hoping it won't be impossible to find both.