First Love ended bad - Just want some opinions and thoughts: Talking about it helps

[GrayFox]

I'll give you the full complicated story:

Background:
We were good friends since elementary, and she had always had a crush on me. She at one point asked me out but I was seeing someone and chose the other girl instead (Mainly cause at the time I was planning on moving, and a relationship with the other girl seemed like a possibility).
In the end, I didn't move. Me and the other girl didn't work out, and me and the main girl this story is about remained good friends, although I deep down regretted not choosing her.
3 years foreword. We are still good friends, but a lot has happened: I had changed a lot, mainly due to battling and winning against depression (family issues) -- and she was with someone and they had been together for over a year. But we were still good friends.
Also to be noted: we are both 17 close to 18, but I've had flings and other brief relationships and she has had other relationships too.

Beginning:
In December 2012, she was with someone. They had been dating for over a year but I showed obvious interest in her none the less. We were good friends and she came over to hang out. She ended up asking me who I liked (She later said she was hoping I would say her), instead of answering I just kissed her -- she kissed back. Afterwards I tried to kiss her again but she stopped me and said she couldn't and needed to think.
Basically, she ended up leaving him and being with me... but not with me... This is where things first get complicated. We spent the next three months together doing everything couples do -- spending time, going out on dates, sex, cuddling (the deep, emotional kind) -- but to her, we weren't "together". We were more than friends with benefits but somehow less than a couple?
In the following march (2013), we started "officially" dating I guess would be the term.

Middle:
We spent the next year together. Just having fun and being amazing with each other. The relationship started off as us both simply being with our childhood sweethearts and later turned into love. The truth is that I fell in love her: she was not the first girl I had been with but she was the first I felt this way about.
She knew that I loved her (which I honestly think was the start of problems) and she loved me, although she hated saying it because she thought that love at this age doesn't make sense and she felt silly. Simply put, I loved her and the relationship was amazing until she started thinking about how serious this relationship was or was becoming.

End:
She started not wanting to hang out. The relationship went to fine to not fine in about a week. We broke up because she said she felt too comfortable in the relationship, too dependent on me for her happiness, and that her feelings for me had gone. The truth is that she realized I loved her and I think that scared her. I think she just wanted a fun relationship with someone she can love, but she doesn't want to fall in love and have that kind of relationship right now.
The problem is that a week after we broke up, we got together 4 times:
First time, we ended up having an amazing time and resulted in us sleeping together
Second time, was simply good.
Third time, went horrible. We went out with some friends, and one of them ran into their ex-gf and their situation mirrored our own but in a worse way which made things extremely awkward and tense between us
Fourth time, we had lots of fun and ended up seeming like we were going to end up back together.
Then she ignored me for three weeks, in which time she rebound with two different guys (not sexually, she just lead them on and went on dates with them for attention). One of these guys and I already hated one another so, I felt really hurt about that. Her and I tried to schedule dates to get together but she would always cancel or reschedule.
The final event was her and I talking. I gave her an ultimatium to simply let me know if we are going to try to work things out or not. After countless times of her rescheduling and saying variations of "maybe"... She said no. She said a lot of hurtful things about both me and the relationship (the kind of hurtful that not only hurts but breaks the trust in that person) she later said sorry and that she was just really upset. Now, we are finishing our final year and we don't talk, look, and go out of our way to avoid each other... I still have feelings for her though. The worst part is, I can tell she still has feelings too and she admits she does -- she just is afraid of trying because we both might get more hurt.

Long story short... Relationship was fun and amazing and we loved one another, but I fell IN love with her, she got scared by how serious it was getting and left me. The next couple months were essientially:
Break up and break my heart, lead me on, ignore me and hook up with other guys, and then break my heart again. At this point, I'm not sure I want to get back together -- after all that heart break and time. She's no longer the same, and I guess neither am I; I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but I can't stop loving her despite all of this.

I know I'm only 18 now, and I've got my life ahead of me. I don't think she was soul-mate or anything like that... It's simply that she was my first love, and I not only lost my girlfriend -- but I lost the first girlfriend I ever loved and I lost my bestfriend. There's no one I know that I'd rather be with, I've had other girls try to hook up with me but all I can ever think about is her and how I miss and for some silly reason still love her. She gave me the best year of my life.

I don't know what I'm asking of you guys. I think I really just needed to tell someone.
I guess I just want to know your thoughts? Or any advice to help me move on?
Or just someone to help me process this.

If you have any unanswered questions or need any clarification, just ask and I'll try to answer.
Thanks for listening (reading), and for helping.

[roberto1]

Hi. I'm really sorry for you being in this situation. Eventhough you love her and she probably loves/likes you, you need to move on. In time you will feel indiference for her. It may be a long or short time , and , in a way, this depends on you. Leave her alone and if she tries to come to you again just ignore her. She broke your heart and trust to many times , and it is just. Read this in your spare time http://www.breakuprecoveryguide.com/. It really does offer helpful advice on how to get over your situation. I know it made me realize many thing. The girl in question treated me like shit and broke my heart two times, and funny enough i still love her. It's really tough getting over and ignoring someone you truly love, but you will. I have no doubts about it !

[GrayFox]

I feel just so conflicted. I know I don't want to be with her again, the relationship had it's faults and issues (she had really low self-esteem, there was an issue of double standards, and I could sometimes be to distant -- which is funny considering the being "distant"issue switched between us) but the main problem is we could never fix the pain and lost of trust; but I still have feelings for her. There are other girls I know that I'm attracted to (One in particular) but I can't help but feel no one is better than my ex-gf, in the sense better for me.
It's just difficult because I know what the logical and overall best thing is (move on), but I still have feelings that pull me back to her and stop me from being able to see myself with anyone else.
I don't want to have feelings for her anymore in all truth, but I do still.

[Wakeup]

Long story short... Relationship was fun and amazing and we loved one another, but I fell IN love with her, she got scared by how serious it was getting and left me. The next couple months were essientially:
Break up and break my heart, lead me on, ignore me and hook up with other guys, and then break my heart again. At this point, I'm not sure I want to get back together -- after all that heart break and time. She's no longer the same, and I guess neither am I; I'm not sure if I want to get back together, but I can't stop loving her despite all of this.

Give it time, Grey. Do things that will increase your self-worth, join the gym and sculpt your body, take some courses to improve your skills, join an amateur sports team and make new friends through your team. Just keep doing things that will make you the best you that you can be and in time, and with zero contact to her you will eventually get to the stage of indifference to her. You're already at acceptance that it's done so you shouldn't be in pain for long. Make an effort to purposely change the subject of her when she pops into your head. No dwelling or day dreaming in your reverie and memories.

It's all part of growing up and there probably isn't one person here who hasn't gone through a relationship loss either through death or breakup and we've all come through the other side to regain our joy and love again.

Its just a matter of time.

[GrayFox]

I was wondering, do you have any advice on what I should do when it comes to pursuing a new relationship?
It's been just near 4months since the break up, and there is someone seems like a possibility for a relationship.
I held myself back mainly cause last time I saw new girl, I was still fresh from the break up (I didn't want to use her as if she was a rebound). Now it's been longer since the break up and while I'm not fully over my ex, I still feel attracted to the new girl.
Im wondering if you think it's a good idea to pursue the new girl?
She wouldn't be a rebound, she interests me more than that, it's just I'm unsure whether pursuing her while I still have lingering feelings for my ex is a good idea...?
(Best way to describe it is: I still have feelings my ex, I wish we could have worked things out, but this new girl makes me think more of what could happen between us then what could be fixed with my ex)

- - - Updated - - -

Hey, thank for the advice.
Can you try answering the post I just put (I'm new and didn't see the reply button).
Also, I try to have zero contact but we share a lot of common friends -- for the most part they just don't mention us to each other, but when I am forced into contact with my ex: do you have any tips? Should I just acknowledge her nicely but try to avoid conversation?

[Wakeup]

If you absolutely won't allow her back into your life even if she asked to, then I think you're ready to date someone new. If you would let her back in your life and allow yourself to remain in feelings for her, then you'd be doing the new girl a dis-service (IMO). So: Figure that part out and then go from there.

Be well. You're going to do just fine.

[GrayFox]

Thanks for the advice; I think I'll ask the new girl out next time I see her if we still seem to have some mutual attraction type thing

[Wakeup]

Good luck. If the ex contacts you, ignore her.