What is he thinking ?

[ques4you]

I (F) married, have known him 2 1/2 yrs. He's also married. We only see each other every few months/ rare occasions a couple days in a row or every few weeks.
Here's how things have gone :
1st meeting : touched my lower back to guide me to diff. area, later that eve. touched my shoulder as he thanked me for something. Other people present.
2nd meeting :5 months later. w/ my husband, he shakes my hand, and my husbands, talk for few minutes. I see him next day w/o my husband, other people present. he gives me 1/2 hug - one side of body only.
3rd meeting : 3 mo. later. gives me full hug as greeting, smiles a lot. his wife in room, my husband not there, other people present.

Each encounter w/ him has escalted - longer hugs, kisses on cheek, kisses on top of head, winks. I know he's happily married, but he continues to flirt & escalate each time I see him. What's his deal ?

[smackie9]

Emotional affair is brewing. He is slowing over stepping boundaries....before you know it you both will be texting each other at 2am.

[ques4you]

Maybe I'm being naive, but I don't think he'll try to take it any farther. He's certainly had the opportunity to try over the last 2 yrs., but hasn't. Also, we have messaged on FB, but it has been very rarely, me messaging 1st, never him, and it's always been brief and very platonic- mainly me asking a ques. which he briefly answered.
He is a little more affectionate towards me when my husband isn't around, but he's also been affectionate when his wife is present, too . I'm just trying to get inside his head - I can't ask him,for fear of making things awkward. As long as it stays the way it is now, i'm fine w/ it.

[Wakeup]

What's his deal ?

The better question is what is YOUR deal? You're not "fine with it" at all. If you were, there would be no need for you to phish strangers for an answer that you'd like to be true. So: What IS your deal? What do you want from HIM?

BTW: I see no boundaries that he's crossed but I do see your imagination making more out of it then he's shown that you should. He is just becoming more familiar with you as he gets to know you better. It's up to you as a married woman to stop any inappropriate, relationship boundary crossing activity you THINK he may be crossing. E.g. Full on hugs that you are focusing on as more then platonic.

[smackie9]

Maybe him and his wife are living a little fantasy game about a 3 some. He shows more affection towards you, turning his wife on, they go home and have wild sex.

[Wakeup]

.... Good one.

[ques4you]

Maybe him and his wife are living a little fantasy game about a 3 some. He shows more affection towards you, turning his wife on, they go home and have wild sex.

Haha ! perhaps !

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The better question is what is YOUR deal? You're not "fine with it" at all. If you were, there would be no need for you to phish strangers for an answer that you'd like to be true. So: What IS your deal? What do you want from HIM?

BTW: I see no boundaries that he's crossed but I do see your imagination making more out of it then he's shown that you should. He is just becoming more familiar with you as he gets to know you better. It's up to you as a married woman to stop any inappropriate, relationship boundary crossing activity you THINK he may be crossing. E.g. Full on hugs that you are focusing on as more then platonic.

Thanks for the insight - My other guy friends never hug me, let alone kiss me on the cheek, and I see them way more often than this guy, so I'm just curious. It may very well be that to him, this is just how he acts towards friends as he gets to know them better and feels more comfortable around them. It's just not something I've experienced w/ other guy friends in the 20+ yrs. I've been married. I don't want anything more from him, and I'm not phishing for a particular answer, just curious what completely non-involved people might think, as I certainly can't ask any of my friends.

[Wakeup]

Question: What do YOU want it to mean? If you don't want it to mean anything, then shut it down and stop letting him cross some of your own relationship boundaries. Have you told your husband your suspicions or asked him what he thinks about this man's behaviour? I dunno, when some guy makes me wonder what his intentions are, since I'm married (happily but that shouldn't matter one way or the other as the marital status is the issue) then I don't allow any behaviour that makes me think it's anything beyond what I've always considered platonic interaction.

[FlaCooln]

Touched your shoulder and back in passing is ok. The winks and kisses are not, nor is the flirtiness. Maybe he's just a playful type of guy. But, I would tell him directly that you are very uncomfortable with the whole thing.

[ques4you]

Question: What do YOU want it to mean? If you don't want it to mean anything, then shut it down and stop letting him cross some of your own relationship boundaries. Have you told your husband your suspicions or asked him what he thinks about this man's behaviour? I dunno, when some guy makes me wonder what his intentions are, since I'm married (happily but that shouldn't matter one way or the other as the marital status is the issue) then I don't allow any behaviour that makes me think it's anything beyond what I've always considered platonic interaction.

He doesn't make me feel uncomfortable,and I don't think he's crossed a line yet -but is getting close if he continues to escalate, which I said above that I don't think he will. My husband has been around when the guy hugs me, and hasn't said anything about being uncomfortable w/ it. I guess it's just that he acts so different than other guys i'm friends with that got me wondering. My other friends seem more reserved. He is very outgoing in general, and just 'cause I don't see him interact w/ other women the same as he does w/ me , doesn't mean he never does, especially since I see him infrequently. I'm not hoping something will happen, was just curious about guy behavior.

[smackie9]

Something won't happen unless you let it.

[cookies27]

Some people are just more affectionate than others. The fact that it's been going on for 2 years and his lack of interest to your FB messages leads me to believe he could just be one of those kinds of people.

I think maybe you're getting off on the idea that it means more to him than it actually does. Maybe it means more to you than you would like it to, and shifting the blame onto him makes it exciting for you, minus the active responsibility of having to look yourself in the mirror and come to the realization that you might like for something more to come of it.

Would you like for something to happen with him? Are you content in your own marriage? Look to yourself for the answers on this one. If it really comes down to the hugs and cheek kissing are just making you uncomfortable, it's really easy to just let him know that, so I really don't think that's the issue here. The sooner you come to terms with it, the easier it will be for you. Best of luck x

[ques4you]

Touched your shoulder and back in passing is ok. The winks and kisses are not, nor is the flirtiness. Maybe he's just a playful type of guy. But, I would tell him directly that you are very uncomfortable with the whole thing.

I've heard of many married friends that hug & kiss on the cheek when saying hello/goodbye. My friends generally don't though. He is def. a very outgoing guy.
I'm not uncomfortable at this point, but would be if it escalated.

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Something won't happen unless you let it.

That's true !

[Wakeup]

lots of ignored questions. means: GUILTY AS CHARGED . lol

So: What will you do now, will you stop him from interacting with you in this relationship boundary crossing way or will you continue to allow him to make you feel... something, only you know what that is and you're not telling us. ;o)