Relationship Fairness?

[howtobalance]

I just wanted to get some people's perspectives...

My girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for about 2 years. We're in our mid-twenties.

She has a full-time job with a vacation time limit. Plus, she has a small family of just one brother and her parents. They don't travel a lot.

I have an online marketing business that allows me a lot of freedom and flexibility. Plus, have various brothers and sisters and parents who are both re-married and both sets travel a lot.

There is problem disagreement about fairness developing in the relationship.

I have a lot of opportunities (and means) to travel. My brother is going somewhere and he asked me to come. My mom goes to an all-inclusive ever year and frequently asks me to come.

The bottom line is that I travle a lot and have opporunties to travel with others. My gf only has a chance to travel with me. Now, her and I have been on multiple large international trips together since we've been in a relationship. But she sees it as a fairness sort of problem if I am often going to places without her.

I see it as a fairness problem if I have the opportunity and I'm expected not to go.

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Sorry for the language. English is my second.

[surfhb2]

Compromise! Cut your travel in half and discuss this with her. Not everyone is as lucky as you.....you need to understand this first. Your lady is telling you this and you are ignoring it.

Me personally only get 2 weeks vacation a year.

[basilandthyme]

If you'd rather be travelling and not hanging out with your girlfriend, that is your prerogative. But I think there will come a time (in the not too distant future) when she will get fed up being being left out and you'll come back to find that she's no longer available for you.

I guess it comes down to whether your girlfriend or the family/travel commitments mean more to you.

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I just wanted to add that there really is no right or wrong here. It's OK if you want to travel lots and it's OK if she wants a boyfriend who doesn't go jetting off without her. This is really just a matter of compatibility.

If travelling frequently is important to you, you may well have to find a girl who's OK with it. But if you want to stay with this girl, you will have to curtail your travelling quite a bit.

[vashti]

Do you live together and share money?

If not, then I think she needs to curb her jealousy a bit. Unless there is a trust issue, I would personally be HAPPY to not have to spend my vacation time visiting relatives rather than take a real vacation.

If you live together, then yes, I think you will have to compromise.

[basilandthyme]

Do you live together and share money?

If not, then I think she needs to curb her jealousy a bit. Unless there is a trust issue, I would personally be HAPPY to not have to spend my vacation time visiting relatives rather than take a real vacation.

If you live together, then yes, I think you will have to compromise.

Can I play Devil's Advocate?

Past behaviour is the best predictor of future behaviour (thanks Dr Phil). If he's going away without her now and she doesn't like it, it's totally logical that she'd think that this is how he'd continue in the future. Therefore, she may not make it to the stage where they move in together and he (hopefully) compromises.

[howtobalance]

To answer the living together question. It is living together situation. Expenses and money are not shared. I make x4 more and pay for most things including holiday we go on together.

Her and I have done more than one incredible trip together.

I just don't see how there's a problem with go on trip with someone else once or twice a year.

[Boisdevie]

To answer the living together question. It is living together situation. Expenses and money are not shared. I make x4 more and pay for most things including holiday we go on together.

Her and I have done more than one incredible trip together.

I just don't see how there's a problem with go on trip with someone else once or twice a year.

If she's working and can't go then it seems pretty bloody mean to whinge and force you not to go, esp if it's only once or twice a year. Why not remind her who's paying the bills?

[FlaCooln]

^^^^I agree. Seems like she is playing "misery loves company." I have to work so you cant go crap. If this was for an extended period of time or often I would agree with her. But, once or twice a year not a big deal IMHO. She maybe a bit selfish and jealous of your freedom.

However, she maybe feeling left out and lonely while your gone so take that into consideration. Also, you must get along real well with your family. I love my family, but I don't want to go on vacations with my Parents. My sister is awesome and tons of fun, so that would be great.

[vashti]

Does she trust you? does she have reason to feel insecure about this?

[Valixy]

The bottom line is that I travle a lot and have opporunties to travel with others.

I just don't see how there's a problem with go on trip with someone else once or twice a year.

I think that you slightly contradict yourself here. If it's only a couple of times a year, than she should be ok with that but if you're travelling very often for pleasure without her, it's normal for her to feel that she's left out, even if the main reason for not joining you is that she can't take time off from work.

How would you feel if you were in her place and how would you like her to decide on something like this?

[basilandthyme]

^^ this.

My previous answer was written because you said that you travel a lot. Now you're saying it's once or twice a year.

Which is it?

[surfhb2]

Yeah....I was under the impression its was much more then once or twice too

[howtobalance]

I think the normal would 1 or 2 large (ten days or more) trips each year with someone other than her plus a few short business trips (but i feel like that is something different). This year happened to be 3 large trips but one was a on last minute thing where a friend paid for a trip and his gf break up with him a month before the trip, so he gave the ticket to me.

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Regarding the question of trust, I don't think she is worried that I'm going to cheat on her or anything like that. I don't think that's what it's about.

[basilandthyme]

I do think it all goes back to compatibility rather than fairness: There's nothing wrong with you going away on these vacations. But equally, if she wants a guy who's around more and who shares his holidays with her, that's OK too.

Your options are to 1. continue as you are or 2. seek compromise. The question of whether or not you seek compromise would depend on how much you want to continue in a relationship with her.