Feeling guilty (co-dependency?)

[violet11]

I broke up with my "not ex" six weeks ago. It's been one of the worst breakups I've had - heart totally smashed, him trying to get back with me, not obeying NC, then me suddenly turning against him (realising what a douche he is).

Two weeks ago we had an explosive fight, where I told him I’d finally realised he was unscrupulous and shallow. This week he texted me saying that he’s trying to ignore me but it’s not his nature to be so hard. He said the breakup has finally hit him and he’s not handling it too well.

The text made me simultaneously cry and fume. He was trying to make me feel guilty, and also make out like he was being the bigger person by breaking the silence after the fight. I knew he was going to resort to guilt-tripping… it’s the only card he has left to play. He was ignoring that I had told him I wanted no contact.

I wanted to reply, but I handled it really badly. I told him that I would always hold him in my heart, but he wasn’t the guy I thought he was and I couldn’t have him in my life.

I hate that response because with "you're not the guy I thought you were" I’m putting all the blame on him. It was actually MY fault that “he wasn’t the guy I thought he was”; because I was the one who misperceived him. I let him treat me badly at every turn – I lay down so he could walk on me. But in this text I threw all the shit at him and disavowed any responsibility. It was an ego trip, and a big F-YOU.

I just wish I’d handled things better at this final hurdle and not leaked my emotions all over him. But I also felt that if I’d tried to be magnanimous (like I always try), then he would have kept contacting me. He’s ignored my previous requests for NC. I was trying to lay down a boundary, but I feel like I pissed all over him at the same time.

Am I feeling guilty cos I could have done better, or is this just more co-dependent behaviour? Incidentally, since sending the text I feel completely free of him.

- - - Updated - - -

And yes, I realise that all the drama is another form of co-dependency…

Really sick of it!

[TheEvilJester]

....Let me get this straight.... he treated you badly and walked all over you and this was somehow your fault? Granted, you should never have let that happen. At the same time, nobody should ever take advantage of your good nature and use you. The only thing you are guilty of is not getting out of that relationship sooner. Don't feel bad for placing the blame on him. If he treated you badly, then the blame is on him. Unless you were treating him badly as well, then you are not to blame for his bad behavior. Every woman deserves to be treated as somebody's queen, not their punching bag. Find your king and forget this loser. Good luck.

[Wakeup]

You are not responsible for him or anything about him including how he needed to be handled so he'd stop and respect your request of NC. Sure you could have just ignored him but how long would he have kept it up? Likely until he got your attention whether that attention be good or bad.

You are totally self aware, violet. That's a good thing because eventually with practice implementing your personal boundaries, you will not feel the least bit guilty just because you were strong, confident and didn't allow someone to disrespect you. You'll simply tell them and you'll walk away. Your delivery will also improve from being (somewhat) aggressive to definitely assertive. Having conviction and sticking to it will hone your self-worth and confidence so don't you dare feel guilty. He faced the consequences of his action... those are his to process, not yours.

Incidentally, since sending the text I feel completely free of him.

Well done. Consider it a goal met.

[violet11]

Sorry for the late reply to this. I read the messages at the time but I caught a flight a few hours later and have been travelling since. Just wanted to say thank you both - what you wrote touched me.

....Let me get this straight.... he treated you badly and walked all over you and this was somehow your fault?

LOL. Nice way to put it! True, he's a douche bag, and he would be like that with anyone. I was angry with myself for weeks but I'm at peace now. I put in 100% to do the right thing, and I got a huge return on my investment in the things that I have learned. This won't happen again.

You are totally self aware, violet. That's a good thing because eventually with practice implementing your personal boundaries, you will not feel the least bit guilty just because you were strong, confident and didn't allow someone to disrespect you. You'll simply tell them and you'll walk away. Your delivery will also improve from being (somewhat) aggressive to definitely assertive. Having conviction and sticking to it will hone your self-worth and confidence so don't you dare feel guilty. He faced the consequences of his action... those are his to process, not yours.

Wakeup, all I can say is... wow. What wise words. From the tone of your message I sense that you have overcome a lot in life. Much respect to you.

Two weeks ago I made a promise to myself that any time I felt someone crossing a line with me, no matter how small or unintentional, I would address it. I'm not allowed to let anything go. It's been challenging to have so much respect for my own feelings but it makes me feel amazing! I have to sit on my response for a little while to ensure it's neutral (as opposed to emotional), but my delivery is definitely improving

I am hoping that increased respect for my own feelings will evolve into higher self esteem, from which assertiveness becomes a more natural response.

Thanks again for your time and compassion.

[TheEvilJester]

Violet,

Good for you! You are awesome! Believe it or not, it can often be hard not to get past blaming yourself for things, or thinking you deserve poor treatment. I went through that myself in a marriage where I was never appreciated at all from the start. I ignored things I never should have because I am not a guy who takes his commitments lightly. Part of me felt like I didn't deserve happiness anyway, so that crappy relationship was the only one I'd ever deserve. It was so empowering when I finally got out of that relationship. It's actually been a bit overwhelming emotionally, but in a good way. I had thought I got through so much of my crap (low self-esteem, poor self-image, etc.) years ago, but getting out of a bad situation has made me realize I only scratched the surface, and now I am really beginning to break through.

Anyway, blah blah blah! Enough about me. Good for you for coming to this conclusion, and so quickly as well. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you were in that relationship. Ending a relationship like that is never a reason to feel bad. It is a reason to rise from the ashes. To learn a lesson and never let that happen again. To become an even better you. If you let it, an experience like this will give you all new strength you never thought possible. Good luck, my friend. I hope some day soon you find the guy who will cherish you and treat you like his queen.