In love with both my boyfriend and my best friend?

[Birdborninacage]

So I have been with my current boyfriend for 8 months. He is amazing, and It is definitely the healthiest and happiest relationship I have been in. I am 21 and he is 25. But the problem is, ever since high school I have ended up falling in love with my best friend (who is a guy) whenever I am in a relationship. I almost broke up with my ex for him after we were together for three years, and even though we sometimes go through periods where we don't talk for a while, I always have feelings for him. My best friend and I have only kissed once, (when I was single) but often times we will cuddle and have said we love each other.

I think that my best friend and I are really in tune with each other, on a really deep level. Even to the point where it seems almost like a psychic connection (maybe that's crazy lol). I share things with him that I feel like I couldn't tell my boyfriend, because my boyfriend would get mad. We do adventurous things together such as backpacking and camping, which are things I love but my boyfriend isn't too interested in.

My boyfriend and I were planning on living together, but I'm not too sure anymore. I am always happy when I am with him and I do love him, but I feel like because of our age difference, he is ready to settle down and start a home with a girl and I am not sure i am ready for that yet. Plus, if I am living with him I'm worried that I won't get many chances to see my best friend.

On the other hand, my best friend seems kind of weird when it comes to relationships. Even if I broke up with my boyfriend for him, I'm not sure that we would ever be in a conventional relationship. What I can see happening is him still being a best friend, but best friends who hold each other and say how much we love each other, if that makes sense. Sometimes though, I feel like that's all I want.

I'm so sick of falling for my best friend whenever I am in a relationship, and im tired of feeling like i am emotionally cheating, but maybe there is a reason for it? I really do think I am in love with both of them, for two very different reasons.

[searock]

Oh sweetie I've been there. First of all, you need to break up with your boyfriend. You aren't in love with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel in love with another guy.

As a general rule, your romantic partner and your best friend should be the same person. I really don't understand why you haven't given yourself and your best friend a try as a couple? What's the worst that can happen? I take it you are afraid there isn't going to be much sexual chemistry, right? There is no way of knowing that, until you actually try at least making out with him. Even then, give it a few tries.

When I was your age (I'm not that much older now, at 24) the same thing happened to me. I was in a relationship with a guy that I thought I was happy with and that I cared for a lot, but I fell in love with my best friend. It took me forever to have the courage to do the right thing, but eventually I broke up and just a month later I started dating my best friend. At first things were awkward, the transition from friends to romantic partners isn't just a minor change, it's huge. But it was so worth it in the end. We're still together, and what I thought was happiness in my previous relationships doesn't even compare to how I feel now... this feels right.

You are currently emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. Cuddling with another guy, going on dates with another guy, telling another guy things you won't tell your boyfriend. How about you stop this nonsense and be with whom you really want to be with?

I also agree that the age difference is too big, it's the first thing I thought when I first read your ages. I am different from my 21 year old self in that I have different priorities and goals, I want different things. I think until you reach at least the age of 26, you should stick to guys no more than 2 years younger or older than yourself.

[dem862]

Your friend is what's called a cuddle bitch. Life sucks for him.

[searock]

Wow dem, you really got to the heart of the problem.

[Boisdevie]

To the OP I have some words of wisdom. ****ing grow up.

[Wakeup]

Oh sweetie I've been there. First of all, you need to break up with your boyfriend. You aren't in love with him, otherwise you wouldn't feel in love with another guy.

Someone ^^^ who has never heard of polyamory.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

Where does it say that you can't have both men, Op? If your bf isn't on board Just make sure you find someone who is of the same mind as you and you'll be able to have your cake and eat it too.

That being said, Why haven't you tried a romantic relationship with your friend? Doesn't he want you in that way?

[Birdborninacage]

Thank you Searock, that was a really helpful answer. I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, it is just really difficult when they are someone who has done nothing wrong. The times I've broken up with a guy were for obvious reasons, such the relationship being emotionally/physically damaging.

I'm not sure why my best friend and I have never tried a romantic relationship. I'm not usually nervous when I am seeing someone new and we start getting intimate for the first time, but that one time I kissed my best friend, I was so nervous I was actually shaking, and he was too.

[Wakeup]

On the other hand, my best friend seems kind of weird when it comes to relationships. Even if I broke up with my boyfriend for him, I'm not sure that we would ever be in a conventional relationship. What I can see happening is him still being a best friend, but best friends who hold each other and say how much we love each other, if that makes sense. Sometimes though, I feel like that's all I want.

... Oh boy! ...

[searock]

Someone ^^^ who has never heard of polyamory.

http://www.morethantwo.com/polyamory.html

Eh, yeah I've heard of it, it's just not what's happening to OP. She isn't in love with her boyfriend, she's just happy with him. The things she says about her best friend (how they have a "deep connection" and all that) is being in love.

Where does it say that you can't have both men, Op? If your bf isn't on board Just make sure you find someone who is of the same mind as you and you'll be able to have your cake and eat it too.

This would be amazing: just because she isn't in love with her boyfriend doesn't mean she shouldn't enjoy a healthy and happy and loving relationship with him. If both guys (and yourself) are ok with it, I too would say go for it .

Thing is, I'm pretty sure that your boyfriend would not be ok with it. I think your boyfriend wants to be in a monogamous relationship in which he is in love with you and you are in love with him. This is currently not happening, also you are unsatisfied because you and him want different things. This is why I think you should break up regardless of what happens with your best friend.

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Thank you Searock, that was a really helpful answer. I have been thinking about breaking up with my boyfriend, it is just really difficult when they are someone who has done nothing wrong. The times I've broken up with a guy were for obvious reasons, such the relationship being emotionally/physically damaging.

I see what you mean, it's tough to break up with someone you care for and that has done nothing wrong. However, just because he has done nothing wrong and is generally a good person doesn't mean that you are bound to be in love with him, or in a relationship with him. You are unsatisfied with this relationship... not necessarily unhappy, just unsatisfied. You want something else, and someone else. I think you should let him free to find a woman that truly loves him, someone with whom he can share the same kind of connection you have with your best friend.

I'm not sure why my best friend and I have never tried a romantic relationship. I'm not usually nervous when I am seeing someone new and we start getting intimate for the first time, but that one time I kissed my best friend, I was so nervous I was actually shaking, and he was too.

This could simply mean that you two both care A LOT for each other, so you are afraid of messing it up. Try it again, and again, eventually you will be less nervous and it will be amazing :-). I mean, there is a chance that you two aren't sexually compatible, of course. But this doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try: the risk is definitely worth taking.

[Wakeup]

Eh, yeah I've heard of it, it's just not what's happening to OP. She isn't in love with her boyfriend, she's just happy with him. The things she says about her best friend (how they have a "deep connection" and all that) is being in love.

I disagree. I think she is actually in love with her boyfriend and is infatuated with her friend. However: that doesn't mean that polyamory "isnt happening" or that it would never happen if all three parties were open to it.

This would be amazing: just because she isn't in love with her boyfriend doesn't mean she shouldn't enjoy a healthy and happy and loving relationship with him. If both guys (and yourself) are ok with it, I too would say go for it .

you assume she isn't in love with her boyfriend and what you're discribing is not polyamory.

Thing is, I'm pretty sure that your boyfriend would not be ok with it.

Well he's been okay with them doing what they've been doing which is totally disrespectful to anyone who considers themselves monogamous.

You are going to have to choose.

Not really, so far her boyfriend is putting up with her shinanigans. Which leads to the question, does he know how you interact with your "friend" OP?

Unless there are serious red flags concerning your best friend, I think you should follow your heart.

Follow her heart in what direction.. She loves both of them? One serious red flag is that is has been given every opportunity to be with her romantically/physically/spiritually but all he chooses to be her cuddle bitch. That's a pretty good indication that he's either gay or not into her in the way she's into him. She's sick of being with a boyfriend only to find that she's in love with her friend. Some interesting psychology in that.

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I see what you mean, it's tough to break up with someone you care for and that has done nothing wrong. However, just because he has done nothing wrong and is generally a good person doesn't mean that you are bound to be in love with him, or in a relationship with him. You are unsatisfied with this relationship...

But are you unsatisfied with the relationship, OP?

You want something else, and someone else.

Yea like in a polyamorous triad, perhaps?

I think you should let him free

i think you should set him free too but we are not talking about the same "him"

someone with whom he can share the same kind of connection you have with your best friend.

What? cuddle bitchery and constant limerence?

I think you should dump them both actually and stay away from men until you're over both of them and they are both completely out of your system. But, you won't do that so have fun in your triad. Only sad part is I think your boyfriend isnt aware of the whole deal you've got going on.

This could simply mean that you two both care A LOT for each other, so you are afraid of messing it up.

Then its not real love. People who want to be with one another, be with one another. If it's right then usually they don't worry about messing it up.

Try it again, and again, eventually you will be less nervous and it will be amazing :-). I mean, there is a chance that you two aren't sexually compatible, of course. But this doesn't mean you shouldn't give it a try: the risk is definitely worth taking.

Please break up with your boyfriend (unless you're going to propose poly first) before trying it and trying it again. Its the right thing to do.

[pcmaster]

Someone ^^^ who has never heard of polyamory.

Oh God, women you are totaly silly. Some people dont even believe in "amory" yet you find words like "polyamopry" that realy looks like taken out of some pink unicorn fairy tale.
You know why we call girls sluts? Because its true !

OP you are just 21.Thats why I dont deal with 21 year olds anymore because they dont know what they want, gets all the attention from guys and make them crazy ! I suggest girls like thats stay in open relationship cause seriously you cant be serious. Being just a few years older already makes night and day diference. Feel sorry for the guy if he trusts you.

[Wakeup]

Oh God, women you are totaly silly. Some people dont even believe in "amory" yet you find words like "polyamopry" that realy looks like taken out of some pink unicorn fairy tale.

Like Pink unicorn fairy tale words or not DB.. Polyamory exists and there are hundreds of thousands of people that are in such relationships. She should read up on it and decide if she really IS "in love" with two men or she's just a twat who doesn't know what she wants while she strings along two men.

You know why we call girls sluts? Because its true !

You know why we call guys sluts? Because its true.

OP you are just 21.Thats why I dont deal with 21 year olds anymore because they dont know what they want, gets all the attention from guys and make them crazy ! I suggest girls like thats stay in open relationship cause seriously you cant be serious. Being just a few years older already makes night and day diference. Feel sorry for the guy if he trusts you.

This I agree with.

[searock]

you assume she isn't in love with her boyfriend and what you're discribing is not polyamory.

She wouldn't emotionally cheat on a person she was in love with. I'm just saying that even if she isn't in love with her boyfriend, she still likes being in a relationship with him (in part, at least), so it would be awesome if she could be in a relationship both with him and her best friend, without having to choose one or the other.

Well he's been okay with them doing what they've been doing which is totally disrespectful to anyone who considers themselves monogamous.

I'm not sure he's okay with it, actually. Is he, OP? If he is, you might want to ask him if it would be ok for you to also "officially" date your best friend, intimacy included. How do you think he would react to such a question, OP?

Not really, so far her boyfriend is putting up with her shinanigans.

Yeah, but she doesn't feel good about the situation (or she wouldn't have opened this thread). She is going to have to do something about it because she doesn't want to be in this situation forever.

Then its not real love. People who want to be with one another, be with one another. If it's right then usually they don't worry about messing it up.

I disagree. I was and am very much in love with my boyfriend, and we were very nervous at the beginning, because we were best friends and were terrified that if we found out we had no sexual chemistry, we would lose our friendship as well as our potential relationship. It's just how it is when you go from being close friends to romantic partners - there is a lot at stake, it's not like starting to date someone you barely know.

Please break up with your boyfriend (unless you're going to propose poly first) before trying it and trying it again. Its the right thing to do.

Oh yes, absolutely! She should as a first thing break up with her boyfriend, then (eventually) give it a go with her best friend. I was in no way suggesting she physically cheats on her boyfriend. I also think she should propose polyamory first if that's what she wants, I'm just pretty sure that her boyfriend will not be ok with it (I'm also pretty sure that she knows this already).

[Wakeup]

She wouldn't emotionally cheat on a person she was in love with.

Yes she would if she is in love with both of them. You didn't read the link did you? It's perfectly possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time. She didn't have any boundaries when it came to her interactions with the friend and that is what stopped her from being able to NOT fall in love with the friend while being in love with the boyfriend. Polyamory is about being in love with two (or more) people at the same time and it's people that are not monogamous in nature that get involved in polyamory (which is NOTHING like an open relationship.)

I'm just saying that even if she isn't in love with her boyfriend, she still likes being in a relationship with him (in part, at least), so it would be awesome if she could be in a relationship both with him and her best friend, without having to choose one or the other.

Yes while being in love with both of them.

I'm not sure he's okay with it, actually. Is he, OP? If he is, you might want to ask him if it would be ok for you to also "officially" date your best friend, intimacy included. How do you think he would react to such a question, OP?

for it to be a true polyamourous relationship they all would be in love with one another. That's why MMF triads are less common then FFM triads are. Polyamory is about love of more then one. Not just sex with more then one.

Yeah, but she doesn't feel good about the situation (or she wouldn't have opened this thread). She is going to have to do something about it because she doesn't want to be in this situation forever.

Don't you find that people complain a lot but don't ever do anything about it until their hand is forced? We see it here everyday. I think this is going to be another one of those occasions. I'd like to know what her boyfriend thinks about her friendship. If he knows the dynamic of this "thing" she has going on.

I disagree. I was and am very much in love with my boyfriend, and we were very nervous at the beginning, because we were best friends and were terrified that if we found out we had no sexual chemistry, we would lose our friendship as well as our potential relationship.

Yes but it didn't stop you from trying which is my point.

Oh yes, absolutely! She should as a first thing break up with her boyfriend, then (eventually) give it a go with her best friend. I was in no way suggesting she physically cheats on her boyfriend. I also think she should propose polyamory first if that's what she wants, I'm just pretty sure that her boyfriend will not be ok with it (I'm also pretty sure that she knows this already).

I agree and that's why I said that if her current boyfriend isn't up for it then she find one who is because obviously, she keeps getting boyfriends while she keeps carrying on with the friend. She even says "I'm sick of feeling in love with my friend whenever I have a boyfriend" or some such. Just how long has this farce with her friend been going on? Well since High school actually and she's now 21. Its dysfunctional "SuperUnicorn" more then it's love going by this statement:

, ever since high school I have ended up falling in love with my best friend (who is a guy) whenever I am in a relationship

OP: What are you in him with when you're not in a relationship? O.o

[searock]

Yes she would if she is in love with both of them. You didn't read the link did you? It's perfectly possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time.

I'm not saying it is impossible to be in love with two people at the same time. I'm saying that she wouldn't emotionally cheat on a person she was in love with. You don't do that to someone you are in love with.

for it to be a true polyamourous relationship they all would be in love with one another.

Yeah I can totally see her boyfriend agreeing to that. LOL

Yes but it didn't stop you from trying which is my point.

That's exactly what I've been telling her: she should give it a try, even if it's hard and even if they are afraid of messing things up. It's a risk worth taking.

I agree and that's why I said that if her current boyfriend isn't up for it then she find one who is because obviously, she keeps getting boyfriends while she keeps carrying on with the friend. She even says "I'm sick of feeling in love with my friend whenever I have a boyfriend" or some such. Just how long has this farce with her friend been going on? Well since High school actually and she's now 21. Its dysfunctional "SuperUnicorn" more then it's love going by this statement:
"ever since high school I have ended up falling in love with my best friend (who is a guy) whenever I am in a relationship"
OP: What are you in him with when you're not in a relationship? O.o

You have a point. I can't understand why after all these years she keeps repeating the same mistakes, while failing to recognize her own feelings.

OP, how do you feel about your friend when you are not in a relationship? Why do you think there is a difference between how you feel about him when you are in a relationship and how you feel about him when you are not in a relationship?