Broke up due to depression

[justagirl2727]

My boyfriend and I broke up last night.

I told him I wasn't happy with how he was treating me (growing distant, seeing me less often, not responding to texts), and that if there wasn't an excellent excuse for his behavior and a real resolve to change we'd have to end it. It turns out he had the former but not the later.

He has been suffering from depression for many years, and it has been getting worse this past month or so. He felt like he couldn't be there for me the way I needed him to be and that sustaining a relationship was no longer something he was capable of.

I said I would stay with him and be a support, but he thought it was better to end it. He said I'm the person closest to him and the only person at college he's told. We both still really care about each other just as much as before, but continuing our relationship isn't the right thing right now.

My question: Do you think there's any chance we could get back together eventually? We're on good terms and I'm staying friends with him. If there's ever a time when he feels more in control, is dating again even in the realm of possibility?

[basilandthyme]

Anything is possible. But is it realisitic? Who knows.

It's going to depend on all of the following:

a) whether or not he's proactive about treating his depression
b) how long it takes
c) how long you're prepared to wait (you could miss out on the man of your dreams while waiting and hoping for something which may not happen)
d) whether or not he even wants to try again (make no mistake, if he *really* wanted to be with you he would have found a way to make it work)
e) whether or what it's telling you is true. It may well be just an excuse because he doesn't want to see you all that often.

I would caution you against staying friends with him: Staying friends drags out the recovery period for you. And if/when you're ready to date again, it's going to be very weird for him, you and the new fellow you start seeing.

Edited to add: I just looked over your old posts. You're young enough to have your whole life in front of you...and you've only been with him for 3 months or so. Hon, you really do need to let this guy go. 'No Contact' is the best way forward so that you can recover and move on from him. There will be plenty of lovely men in your future.

[justagirl2727]

He's really not being proactive at all about treating it. But I was thinking, he has chronic depression, which means it's never really going to go away. If he could just get to the place he was a few months ago, he'd be capable of being a good boyfriend again.

I know it's bad to stay friends with your ex... but I'm really worried about him. I'm the only person he's told about this, and he's not too close to anyone else. It feels wrong to abandon him when he needs me most.

[basilandthyme]

Justagirl, you're not abandoning him. Can I remind you that he chose to walk away from you? If he really wanted you by his side, he wouldn't have ended the relationship.

Thing is though, even if you were the one who ended the relationship, it's his responsibility to take care of himself. Truth be told, as a friend you really can't help him much anyway - if he needs support, he should really be turning to a counsellor. Or at least his family.

For what it's worth, I have been in your shoes when leaving someone who I knew wouldn't manage without me. I moved on and found a great new life - and last I heard, he was still in his puddle of depression. I'm truly glad that I moved on. We can't spend our lives collecting all the lame ducks we meet along the way.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh and chronic depression can be managed with professional help. But this is a journey he will have to undertake on his own.

[Cerby]

I'll weigh in as I too was dumped last night from a 3-year relationship. I've got a little more experience and won't make the typical mistakes. Being friends and hoping for her to come back are the ones I can see you've made so far.

For now, focus on you. It sounds shitty, and trust me, I feel your pain as I type this, but the reality is that he probably won't come around, and if he does, it won't be the same. Unlike you, if my ex and I talk and decide to reconcile, we'll go for counselling and work towards a unified solution, but at your age and length of relationship, I wouldn't bother.

You need to look out for yourself, not for him. He made this decision, and now you're left to keep yourself healthy. Don't contact him, and just see what happens. Trust me, friends is a bad idea, at least up until the feelings are dead and gone.

[Narny8]

Hi there,

I know exactly what you're going through and I know it's hard. I had an ex with anxiety and depression and it got to the same point as where you are now. We broke up because it was getting to hard on me, he wasn't leaving the house, wasn't coming to my place and would regularly ignore my texts. He also said the same thing as what yours said, that he couldn't be the boyfriend he should be and wasn't capable of giving me what I needed and deserved.

After we broke up, I kept thinking the same things as you're thinking, could it work? Maybe with time it will be fine etc etc. so we got back together. After a few weeks things were back to how they were, but I stayed around because I really cared for him and he was an amazing person. But I became more of a carer than a girlfriend. After a while I couldn't do it anymore, it started to break me down.

It's been 2 years since then and we are still great friends (Cerby was right though, this can take time for the feelings to pass), we catch up for coffee and get together here and there. But nothing more, and I look back now and am relieved that I got out while I did, because he is still battling the same things he was back then. I'm not saying it would be the same for you and obviously every person is different. But some people can take a long time to get past mental illnesses (if ever) and depending on how long you've been together, it's easier to walk away. Because it will just get harder and harder on you.

Try to be support for him if you can, because what he is battling is truly a hard journey to make it through. But I believe that unless you've been together for a long time or are married, it's easier to move on and just be there for that person.

[stevestone]

You'll be better in long run

[moneyspills]

Life is full of dreams and aspirations, but what people don't seem to grasp is the fact that nothing is impossible. You've heard the saying; "You can do 'almost' anything if you put your mind to it!" Gosh... Those words again... But it's true! Getting your ex back is no different.