MIL, just go away

[candles6]

I need advice on how to get over this. I told my husbands mother some things about my husband, and she ended up saying some really terrible, untrue things about me. She went behind my back to my husband and said horrible things about me to him, and at first he was on her side. All of my husbands aunts unfriended me on Facebook due to the things she has said. We exchanged a few emails, in which I confronted her on all the lies she said, and she basically said "I'm sorry you were hurt by what I did, but I did it to protect my precious child.". Her child is 38 years old, a grown man. One would hope he would be able to "protect" himself.


This isn't the first time she has gone behind my back to my husband about me. They have made plans that they knew I wouldn't like, together, without telling me until either I find out, or after the fact.




My husband and I do not have the best relationship. I have a hard time trusting him, and I don't like his mother. She addresses cards to "her" grandchildren and my husband, she won't write my name on them. Which actually is fine by me, but I still think it's rude.


I don't know what to do. My husband still has a happy, jolly relationship with all his family. He wants me to reconcile, for "the children's" sake. I don't see how I can. Any time my husband has anything to do with them, I get uncomfortable. I try not to show it, because it makes my husband mad, and makes me seem petty. Which I guess I am. Honestly it feels like I am jealous of his mother. It seems like he will always side with her, and she knows it. I can't say anything bad about her without him getting furious. I am a photographer, and I refuse to send her pictures I take. This has caused many serious arguments in which my husband has accused me of being selfish, which perhaps I am. But I am starting to care less and less.

[basilandthyme]

To be fair, while one would think that a 38yo man could protect himself, one would also think that a wife would not go telling his mommy about what he's done. Not only have you breached his privacy and criticised her child, but you brought her into the problem too. Now, that's not to say that what she's doing is OK, but I do wonder if perhaps none of this would have happened had you kept the issues in your marriage to yourself and not broken the rule about complaining about his family.

And for the record, it's not the done thing to criticise a spouse's family no matter how awful they are. It's OK if you agree with him when he complains, but it's not OK to make your own complaints. And of course, it goes both ways - he shouldn't be saying anything bad about your family either. This rule is pretty standard in all relationships.

All that being said, is your marriage worth saving? You say that it's not the best relationship and you have a hard time trusting him. So what's going on? Would you be better off out of there?

[HeartIsAching]

Yet again, BnT has beaten me to the punch. Pretty much what I was thinking as I was reading her post.

Going to his mom and telling him things about her son that you don't like? Bound for strife. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think mommy was going to chastise her son? Did you think you'd get mommy on 'your side'?

Sorry sweetie... it doesn't work that way. My wife is quite a bit older than your husband, and to her parents she's still their little girl. They like me, maybe even love me, but it wasn't easy to get there. It took a few years of them seeing me treat her well, with kindness, consideration and love before they warmed to me at all.

I too am curious about what is wrong with your marriage that you felt the need to go to his mother. Why don't you trust him? Has he given you cause?