Thoughts and Opinions on My Relationship

[ladyluck87]

I've been dating this guy since the beginning of October, and he is a friend of my cousins. We hit it off immediately, and he has pretty much chased me from the beginning. He was affectionate with me, but neither of us discussed feelings, past relationships, or anything. He always came across a little awkward to me like he did some "yawn and put his hand around my chair" thing one night. He just seemed inexperienced kinda. It was like...nobody wanted to speak on it. We have a great time together. So in December, I finally asked him how he felt about me. He says "I like you." and I asked him "Why did it take you nearly three months to say that?" and he was like "I don't know. You don't tell me either. If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't have you over my house so much." and I told him "that means nothing but okay. So where is this going?" and he said "I'm just chillin right now." and I said "Cool. Well, if this isn't going anywhere then we can end it now." and he said "Well, we don't know where things will go though. I don't have a lot of experience with relationships, so I don't want to make any guarantees but the couple relationships that I had, we let things naturally progress into relationships and didn't put a date or time frame on anything". He said he could understand if I didn't want to continue with him, but he wanted to at least continue being friends. I told him I would pass on the friendship because I've got enough of those. It was during this conversation that he revealed that he had been and would continue to be exclusive(emotionally and intimately) with me and felt that it was the right thing to do to only be involved with one another. After giving it thought, I figured that he and I do get along well, he treats me well...so what's the harm in giving it more time to see what happens. Meanwhile, he was the one telling everyone in our immediate circle of friends that we were dating and talking when I hadn't told anyone.

Well, recently...we have hit a couple of hurdles. One being a close friend of mine, and my guy actually had to talk to the guy and make him apologize for hitting on me and disrespecting me. My guy also took issue with my being so close to him and hanging out with him as well, so I told him that I wouldn't hang out with my guy friends as much. For Valentines, he completely surprised me with a candlelit dinner, roses, a gift card, wine, movies, alcohol, and just everything. It was beautiful. Most recently, he has become more romantic with me, but we had a similar conversation, and he still says the same thing. I asked what would be different, and he said "nothing would be different between us really. just the name or commitment" and I said "Well, this is a problem because there is no commitment, so you are free to date whomever and so am I." and he says "No, I've told you before that I'm not looking for anyone else. I don't talk to or entertain other females because I don't want to. I'm happy where I'm at. I've told you that over and over. I'm not spending time, talking to, or doing anything else with anyone else. I am not looking!" and I'm like "Well, a title means security for me...that tomorrow you won't just walk away from everything" and he says "I've given you that and still am giving you that though. I can't say it enough. I'm good. I am not looking for anyone else. That's it."

I told him that I didn't know, and he said he understood if I said I wanted it to be over since he couldn't give me what I wanted right now. He said "If you come to me tomorrow and say you met someone else, I couldn't be mad." However, it was only a day later that he got really pissed off when he saw my brother and his friends out, and he wanted to know if any of those guys have been trying to talk to me and that they probably hate on him because he's talking to me.

After the conversation, I decided to fall back from him some. We talked every day, but I had decided in my head that I was going to pursue other people. Then, that Saturday night I ran into him into a night club where I was with my brother and his friends. My brother and his friends kept laughing because apparently my guy kept a watchful eye over me all night. He made several trips around to where my brother and I were at, and kind of made it known that he and I were "something". I paid him no attention although I was nice to him...I was giving him what he wanted. When we were leaving the club, he found me and wanted to talk. A few guys even tried to talk to me, and he quickly let them know that I was with him. Pretty much since that night, he has been different in a good way. We went on an awesome date last week.

I've met the majority of his friends, and I've met all of his brothers. His oldest brother asked me months ago if we were going to be together, and I told him we would take it slow and see. His youngest brother has adopted me as his big sister, and he confided in me that his brother talks about me all the time, which is why he felt so comfortable with me. He told me not to say anything but that his brother hadn't had a girlfriend in about six years after his ex cheated on him. He said I was like one the first girls he has seen his brother with since then. In fact, their mom even knows about me, which I didn't think that she did. His brother even told me..."I didn't know ya'll weren't official because to my understanding of your relationship...you are together. I live with my brother, so I would know. I thought you were like officially boyfriend and girlfriend. Why do you think I feel so close to you? If you weren't anyone important, our relationship wouldn't be the way it is." This is not the first time that someone has told me something that my guy has told them about me, but he has not told me himself.

So I can't figure out what his deal is. He tells me one thing...but acts completely different with me and he always tells other people more than he tells me.

[HeartIsAching]

He doesn't have a deal, you do.

You're seeing this as black and white - he either commits to you or it's totally casual.

Why can't you accept that he wants to be exclusive with each other for now, and leave it at that? Why are you pushing for something he doesn't want right now?

[ladyluck87]

He doesn't have a deal, you do.

You're seeing this as black and white - he either commits to you or it's totally casual.

Why can't you accept that he wants to be exclusive with each other for now, and leave it at that? Why are you pushing for something he doesn't want right now?

Thanks for responding.

Well, in all honesty, if you are a male, can you explain the logic and thought process to me? Your sentiments echo about every other guy that I have asked, but I just don't understand.

So what am I missing? You're talking about living for right now, but shouldn't you only spend time with someone you COULD see a future with?

[HeartIsAching]

Why does it have to be either/or?

[ladyluck87]

Why does it have to be either/or?

If you could really explain your viewpoint more, then I might be able to understand..which in all honesty is the reason, I came to the thread...is for more opinions and better understanding.

Right now I don't. Right now...our relationship walks and talks like a duck...but we are choosing to not call it a duck. So why shouldn't it either be a relationship or not?

[pcmaster]

The way you explained you expecting guy to take lead of this relationship yet problem is guy is inexpierienced and there are some actions but generaly words dont match actions cause communication are weak and you dont do much to help him.

You like the good emotions and you want to keep them coming but you dont invest much.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're not getting what you want from this. He knows he's making you feel insecure. Sounds to me, like he's just keeping you around for the time being, even with all the nice gestures and the jealousy. I think he wants you around as a convenience.

Tell him you want to keep seeing him, but are going to keep looking and dating around with others, until he does want to put a title on things.

[ladyluck87]

The way you explained you expecting guy to take lead of this relationship yet problem is guy is inexpierienced and there are some actions but generaly words dont match actions cause communication are weak and you dont do much to help him.

You like the good emotions and you want to keep them coming but you dont invest much.

What is it that I should be doing differently?

- - - Updated - - -

You're not getting what you want from this. He knows he's making you feel insecure. Sounds to me, like he's just keeping you around for the time being, even with all the nice gestures and the jealousy. I think he wants you around as a convenience.

Tell him you want to keep seeing him, but are going to keep looking and dating around with others, until he does want to put a title on things.

Thanks for responding!

I have and did tell him exactly that about a week or so ago.

[Kromat83]

I think he wants to see you happy and doesn't want to be attached if your not.

He is using this probably as experience, because he doesn't know if he's ready to commit to a specific person, even though it feels right to him.

Seems like both of you want totally different things, and if you truly want someone that is ready, you better look elsewhere.
We can suggest some things, but you have to decide what is right for yourself and he even said he wouldn't be mad if you were with someone else, so you better choose.

[smackie9]

Guys don't keep you around because you don't understand them or how they think ( and it shows in this post). There's a book you can read called "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey that may be of help to you.

[ladyluck87]

Guys don't keep you around because you don't understand them or how they think ( and it shows in this post). There's a book you can read called "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man" by Steve Harvey that may be of help to you.

What do you mean smackie9?

And thanks

[basilandthyme]

but shouldn't you only spend time with someone you COULD see a future with?

There's no *should* about it. You're very much projecting your own beliefs onto other people here. For what it's worth, I only ever bothered with someone that I could see a future with too. But this was my preference - it's not a rule that all must adhere to. If someone has a different approach or needs to you, it doesn't necessarily make them wrong.

If I didn't like you, then I wouldn't have you over my house so much." and I told him "that means nothing but okay."

Hon, what's with you telling him that his thoughts mean nothing?! That was incredibly rude of you. You may not like his answer, but that doesn't make his thoughts meaningless.

Truth be told, I'm finding your whole approach bossy and domineering. You were threatening an inexperienced guy with a break up at only 3 months in because he wasn't yet sure where this would go. That's not cool. If you want this guy, you will have to be more patient. If you can't be patient, then tell him that you're an impatient type and need to end things because you need someone who will commit to you very early on.

[ladyluck87]

There's no *should* about it. You're very much projecting your own beliefs onto other people here. For what it's worth, I only ever bothered with someone that I could see a future with too. But this was my preference - it's not a rule that all must adhere to. If someone has a different approach or needs to you, it doesn't necessarily make them wrong.



Hon, what's with you telling him that his thoughts mean nothing?! That was incredibly rude of you. You may not like his answer, but that doesn't make his thoughts meaningless.

Truth be told, I'm finding your whole approach bossy and domineering. You were threatening an inexperienced guy with a break up at only 3 months in because he wasn't yet sure where this would go. That's not cool. If you want this guy, you will have to be more patient. If you can't be patient, then tell him that you're an impatient type and need to end things because you need someone who will commit to you very early on.

Yeah, I mean in hind sight I can see where you are coming from. It is not my intention to be bossy or domineering to him..I've just always thought wanting to be with someone was clear and cut.

[HeartIsAching]

Of course it isn't. Particularly at only 3 months in.

Hell, at this point he's told you that he wants to be exclusive with you - not date anyone else, and you told him that you're not down with that. How ludicrous is that?

[ladyluck87]

Of course it isn't. Particularly at only 3 months in.

Hell, at this point he's told you that he wants to be exclusive with you - not date anyone else, and you told him that you're not down with that. How ludicrous is that?

I see your point. I do understand where you are coming from more when you put things that way. I didn't say I wasn't okay with it because I have been exclusive with him since I met him. I don't know what I've been thinking...I don't know. But I will definitely just go with the flow and be happy with how things are because we are great together, and we do have a good time when we are together.