I broke us. I scared her. I am disgusted and ashamed. But there were lies.....

[LostMyWayNYC]

My fiancee left me. We had been together on and off for two and a half years. The relationship was rocky and she left me several times and I left her once.

We got engaged last March and she moved into my apartment in my mom's house during the summer. Things were good but at the end of August I got drunk and accused her of cheating. It got ugly. Sadly, I had had a couple of outbursts before during fights we had when I had a little too much to drink. I know this one was bad. I started therapy.

We worked through it and had a great fall and winter. We went home to her family and she showed off the ring and told everyone we were getting married. The holidays were good.

My mom was very sick and passed right after New Year's. My fiancee was very good through everything. Amazing, in fact. The plan was for us to move into my mom's apartment in the house and while very sad about losing Ma I know she wanted us there and I saw a nice future with us and my sister and her little family upstairs. Her job became too much for her though and she was very beaten down over it. She was talking about quitting and looking for something new. She always was very into her job and it was very important to her. I told her I could support us until she found something she liked, that she could take a few months off.

Well, I caught a whiff of something and looked at her email. I found that she had applied to jobs in another state where she had friend and her rich ex-husband who she had divorced about six years before because he cheated and had no remorse over it. She always said she loved him "in a way" and that she had married him because he gave her a chance to move out of her home state where things had gotten a little difficult. But he had always been lurking, sending gifts, texting, from time to time and I was always concerned.

Anyway, I confronted her and she denied it until I showed her the emails. We talked and the rest of that week was actually good. That Saturday we went through my mom's things and made plans to move in and I got very upset. We went out, I drank too much, we fought, she told me she couldn't be with me, I told her to leave.

I instantly regretted it and begged her to stay. The next few weeks we were rough and she told me she was going to another state to visit her friends and clear her head and make a decision about us. I did some poking around and saw she had some stuff sent to her ex-husband's. We had some contact while she was away. She came back and told me she was leaving. I confronted her about what I had found, and she admitted she stayed with him. I had found a few things that told me she was moving in with him. Every time I brought one up, her story changed. When pushed why she stayed with him while there, she broke down a little and said she was choosing "the lesser of two evils." I asked her if she was going back to him and she said she didn't know. But she was leaving regardless.

That night we were affectionate and intimate. The next night too. During the days she packed and when I wanted to talk she got angry. Finally, Sunday was bad and Monday she moved into a hotel. She came that Friday to my apartment to finish packing. I helped her, trying to do the right thing. I started rubbing her feet when she got tired as I liked to do and she fell asleep. I rubbed her for hours. She woke up, we got ready for bed, held each other, said we loved each other, and were intimate again. We fell asleep in each other's arms.

The next day the movers came to take her stuff to the other state. She claimed she was taking some job and they would hold her stuff for her until she got out there and found a place but I looked at the manifest and it was his address.

I have a lot of guilt over my behavior. When we first met I was still not over my ex and she knew that. It took me a while to be "all in" as she says. I am ashamed at getting too drunk and being mean. I never put my hands on her, but I know I got loud. I am disgusted; my lady should never be afraid of me or feel unsafe. I failed as a man.

But she left me several times, sometimes for very little. She lied about being married another time and about having a miscarriage when in her 20s. A lot of her stories didn't add up.

She claims she is leaving because I am abusive or have the potential to be. But she had been looking at jobs in another state a week before the last fight. And she lied repeatedly about her trip.

I love her very much and miss her something awful. But I am so confused about everything. I have a lot of guilt but also think she wasn't always honest, and it makes me angry. I wonder how long she was planning this, especially since my mother died right before I found the emails. She was great in so many ways but also very critical and moody. I know the mistakes I made but I wonder how much of it was me, as she keeps making it out to be all my fault.

My heart is broken and I am shattered. But I wish I knew the truth.

[Valixy]

I think that by maintaining the contact with her ex-husband, while there weren't any children involved, she provoked quite a bit of the jealousy you've experienced and the fact that you may drink too much sometimes hasn't helped either. Overall the relationship wasn't a very good one, as you say, and you've left each other several times, and this shouldn't have been happening in the first two years, and not even later, if the relationship had indeed had potential for more. Moving in together or more important future plans wouldn't have worked easily, so it might be better that you didn't get to make bigger steps.

The fact that she has been hiding things for a few months shows that there's quite some time since she hasn't been fully present in the relationship and kept moving further and further. Maybe she still has some kind of emotional connection to her ex-husband, or maybe he simply represents for her a place where she can stay when running away from problems, but her staying at his place when she was supposed to take time to think about you two, and finally moving there, means that she has given up on the relationship with you and you should try to do the same and move on. It also means that she is capable of lying to you and more.

I think that you should accept that you've tried in these two years and a half but for several reasons it couldn't develop into something more. Most relationships finish in the first two years unless people are really compatible and put all their efforts into making it work. You're probably still in shock but you should try to use these changes in your life as an opportunity to grow as a person, look well after yourself and find a suitable recovery programme to help you achieve control over your problem with alcohol. You can become a stronger person, feel happier with yourself and meet someone else capable of really committing to you. Sometimes the most painful crises we face in life generate the greatest and happiest transformations. Good luck.

[4 ratties]

I can see a fault on both sides. but more on her part. why are u blaming yourself and still ****in her all the time? get yourself a pair and move on from.this woman who was never over her ex. who knows maybe shes been in contact with him more than u think. women are sneaky. good luck

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