Please Help, I need some advice

[twinkletoess]

I need some advice. I was in a 4 year relationship that ended in mid October last year. We had broken up a few times and gotten back together but it just did not work. The first 2 years of our relationship was great and I felt so happy but then things started to change. My ex boyfriend started to critise me all the time. He did not like my mother and would get angry and annoyed when she would call me on the phone to talk to me, he critisised my driving, and my friends. He would say to me you are going to the gym but I see no change. I was not fat but he would make me feel like my figure was not good enough. When I was out of work he critisised me for not trying hard enough to get work, even though initially I gave up my job to join him in another country and support him. At first I fought back when he critisised me but the more he critisied the more I started to believe him and it got to the point that I tried to do things just to keep him happy because I was scared he would leave me and I did love him despite all. I know it sounds stupid that I took all this but by that stage I was too reeled in and kept thinking on how it used to be and maybe things would improve and I'd also started to believe that maybe I was the cause of problems in the relationship. On one occasion we had split up for about 6 weeks and we were back together for a while and it was out anniversary so I bought him something nice and a card when I gave it to him, he was thankful but said to be honest I didn't get you anything because you didn't deserve it with the way you've been acting. In the first year of our relationship I bought him a playstation 3 out of my wages which was quite expensive at the time but just before we broke up in October last I discovered he had given it to his friend. I only discovered it because he bought another. I know he had no intention of getting it back of his friend. On another occasion I asked him something innocently about his car a subject that he was touchy about at the time, he started shouting at me and went into the kitchen to his parents and accused them of telling me stuff. He was screaming and shouting and I heard him say that c**t down there in reference to me. (I was in the bedroom and overheard this). It felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart. By this stage I was starting to get depressed and low in confidence so one night I had the courage to sit down and ask him if he wanted to be with me and he thought for a minute and said he thought it would be better if we split up. He wasn't nasty about it but he left me feeling like I didnt matter a thing in the world to him and through my tears I found the courage and walked out the door. About 3 weeks later I was in my local town on a night out and was waiting on a taxi with my friend he came up beside us and said hello girls, none of us answered him and he walked away. In early January I was in town and I saw his car and in the front was a new girl, this would have been about 2 months after we split up. I took that very hard because I still was not over him and I could not understand how he replaced me that easily. I have him removed on facebook but sometimes I check his page. Before he has his timeline hidden so I could not see any posts that werent related to mutual friends but he has now removed that option and I can see everything and he keeps putting up stuff about this new girlfriend. I know I shouldn't look but its just human nature I suppose. Is it childish of me to block him now or would that give him more satisfaction that I am taking notice of him and should I block his girlfriends page (even though she did nothing wrong) just in case I am tempted to look at it. I am confused as to why the relationship went so bad, I'm not a perfect person but I do try my best to do what I can. He has shattered my confidence and I just feel unattractive. He used to love me so much once how could it change to this. Any advice would be appreciated xx

[basilandthyme]

It sounds like you've already unfriended him on FB but you are still checking his account because it's not private. Is this correct? As far as I know, there is no method to block yourself from looking at the profile of someone who's profile isn't private. But if I've understood you incorrectly and you're now talking about unfriending him, then why give a flying **** about what he cares?! It's not like he's ever cared about what you think.

For what it's worth, he DIDN'T love you so much. His actions towards you are the very opposite of love. And he certainly didn't respect you. Hon, get yourself into counselling. I have no idea why you gave him permission to treat you as he did, but you need to address whatever demons tell you that it's OK to spend 4 years with such a dickhead.

[4 ratties]

u let him do this to you. you should of left him two years ago when the abuse started. you must have extremely low self esteem or you didnt have anywhere else to go. idk your situation. I would seek counseling so that u have the self confidence to meet a guy who treats you right. avoid him like the plague. u should hate him for hurting you so much but instead your keeping the pain going by seeing him and checking facebook. u know u need to stop doing that.

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[Wakeup]

He is an abuser and you should be thankful he's gone. He's the new girl's problem now and you can count on it that as time goes on, he will abuse her as well. One of the obvious signs of an abuser is trying to isolate you from friends and family (his getting mad when you talked to your mother on the phone).

Do get yourself some help with your codependency issues and to help you organize and form personal boundaries so that if you find yourself with an abuser again, you'll immediately know and you'll quickly remove yourself from his life before he has a chance to whittle away at your self-esteem like this douche bag has done.

I have links I can send you about forming personal boundaries if you like. Just let me know if you're interested. If you don't get help from a professional then do consider helping yourself through reading and education on how to form personal boundaries without feeling guilty (like you showed us when you wondered if you should block his gf "even though she's done nothing wrong.")

Time for you to work on becoming the best you that you can be and forgetting about him and what he's up to or with whom. He's got mental issues that he needs help to over-come but that's not your problem. Concentrate on yourself.

Good luck.

[moneyspills]

Desperation can make you weak and repellent. You have to look good and remarkable. If you have to get your ex boyfriend back then give time to your outlooks.

Wear the best outfit and make your conversation attention grabbing. It is the nature of boys that they want their girlfriend preeminent in outlook.

[moneyspills]

To make your ex boyfriend fall in love with you again, you need to create the same situation that made him come running after you before. There was something about you then that attracted him to you. Do you remember how you looked and how carefree and independent you were? If you think those were the qualities that attracted your ex, then they should attract him again.


Watch this youtube video, it will be of immerse benefit to you: