My boyfriend doesn't want me to go to social events alone

[latina24]

My boyfriend does not feel comfortable if I go to social events such as meetups without him. He is okay if I go out with girlfriends I already know or with my family, but not meetups and other such events. He does not go to social events without me or out with friends by himself. He says that it is something really important to him because in past relationships, each partner going out by themself has caused nothing but trouble for the relationship. I tried explaining to him that meetups are important to me because of networking (I am looking for more work, and I find that the only way to get jobs nowadays is who you know), talking to people with similar interests, practicing my other languages, and meeting more girlfriends (I don't really have many girlfriends in the area since I moved here just a year ago and in my type of work I don't get the chance to meet other people aside from clients, which I'm not allowed to socialize with). He says it's not okay since men will be there and might flirt with me. I said I doubt they will flirt with me but even if they did, I love him and would not reciprocate. He said that he has rejected many invitations to go out with female friends and male friends because of our relationship (even though I never asked him to do so), but if that's how I want it I will see what happens. I told him that sounded like a threat and what did he mean by that. He said that I should invite him first and if he can't go then I should stay home. I said it's not fair because he works more hours than I do and I don't want to stay home doing nothing and missing out on an opportunity because of that. He said he can't understand why if he does this for me why I can't do it for him if it is something so important to do. Everything else in our relationship is great. He is not controlling in other aspects, but the principle of this concerns me. I really want to stay together, but I am not willing to give this up on principle (even though it's not necessarily something I love doing anyway). Any advice would help!

[flourens]

In a relationship, you do things for the other person because you want to and not because you expect the other to do the same for you. He can't blame you for declining invitations from people in consideration of your relationship because you never asked him to do so. I think that what you really need to do is talk about it some more. And try making a compromise. Like instead of him going with you, try asking a co-worker of yours that he knows to go. I don't think he doesn't trust you. I think, he just doesn't trust the other people specially you are new to the area. It's his way of knowing that you won't get in any trouble.

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[latina24]

In a relationship, you do things for the other person because you want to and not because you expect the other to do the same for you. He can't blame you for declining invitations from people in consideration of your relationship because you never asked him to do so. I think that what you really need to do is talk about it some more. And try making a compromise. Like instead of him going with you, try asking a co-worker of yours that he knows to go. I don't think he doesn't trust you. I think, he just doesn't trust the other people specially you are new to the area. It's his way of knowing that you won't get in any trouble.

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Flourens, it sounds like decent advice, but the problem is that I am an independent contractor, so I don't have coworkers. Either I don't know my "coworkers", or they live in other states. My family works during the day, so none of them could come (plus they don't speak Spanish or French and would feel uncomfortable).

[flourens]

Flourens, it sounds like decent advice, but the problem is that I am an independent contractor, so I don't have coworkers. Either I don't know my "coworkers", or they live in other states. My family works during the day, so none of them could come (plus they don't speak Spanish or French and would feel uncomfortable).

How about common friends? But your boyfriend does know how to speak those languages?

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[flourens]

Ooops. Sorry. Made a mistake when I was editing.

[FlaCooln]

Sounds to me he is a bit insecure and probably with good reason (bad past experience(s)). I would talk to him about his and your concerns. It is impossible to stop you from having all contact with other men, whether socially, work, school, etc. IMHO if things are good in a relationship there is no reason to worry about flirting or cheating. But, some men are a bit controlling and have a "Napoleon Complex." If the guy is confident in himself and in you there is no reason why you can't live a normal social life. I would find weird for me to regulate what my GF does socially, but then I trust her completely and have never been burnt by my trusting nature.

I have seen my sister go through a few Napoleonic types with very poor results. Hence why her husband is well over 6ft. Plus, little man hands are freaky IMO.

[latina24]

We don't have any common friends because I don't really have friends here since I moved here about a year ago and there haven't been many opportunities to meet people and when I do they are always busy. All of his friends are from his work and I don't know them. I actually have never had common friends with a boyfriend before to be honest. Most of my friends live in other states. He knows how to speak Spanish but not French.

[smackie9]

Your BF needs to grow up. You are an adult, you do what you think is appropriate, and since it's for the purpose of looking for work and find new friends, there shouldn't be an issue. Your BF is handling this very poorly. He can't trust you and that is a big red flag, espesially when he is forbidding you and making you stay home.

I had a BF like that, and it turned into an awful relationship. I should have told him to go **** himself instead of putting up with it.

That would be like my husband telling me that I can't pop into the pub for a quick beer or lunch by myself, which I DO from time to time. That would go over like a lead balloon and with his cloths scattered on the front lawn lol.

[basilandthyme]

I'm most definitely not in the group which would suggest compromise or discussion. Yes, I know he's had issues in previous relationships, but that isn't your problem and nor should it be. Never accept paying the price for the crimes of their previous partner(s).

If I were in your shoes, I would say "I know you are uncomfortable, but I need to do this for my job. If you can't accept this I will end the relationship". (The reason I suggest that you end the relationship if he can't accept it is because leaving the future of the relationship up to him will leave you confused and powerless waiting and wondering what he thinks)

Edited to add: Also, remind him that he's NOT staying home for you because you'd never ask it of him. Girl, you seriously need to put him in his place.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Your boyfriend is a bitch. Tell him to take his issues and go **** himself.

[surfhb2]

^^

Pretty much.....your BF is a complete asshole who should be avoided like the plague. Get out now!

Not being able to go out without him? Are you serious?! Think about this for a moment!

[smackie9]

This reminds me of an ex that told me that I should always agree with him and be only on his side during discussions with others. I was floored. Lets say I didn't listen to that and the relationship ended not long after.