boyfriend of a year has depression and s.a.d. wants to be single..for 2nd time.. help

[lonley21]

Im a 43 year female and been seeing a 36 year old male ( he suffers with S.A.D. and struggles with his emotions ..been going out for a year everything’s has been great with the relationship, but we are an hour away from each other, we have been seeing each other mainly every 2 weeks but sometimes it was ¾ weeks due to life getting in the way iv always tried to understand. He doesn’t work right now but has been trying to get work.
Yesterday, 1 day before our year anniversary he decides to say he wants to be single, but cant give me an explanation at all, he cares about me, wud kill for me, wants to be with me. Doesn’t want to lose me or couldn’t bare to see me with anyone else..but he doesn’t think its an idea we should be together due to he’s not in a position to be going out with anyone.
its too much pressure ( but doesn’t explain what pressure). Cause he has a billion things etc.. doesn’t think its equal in feeling etc..he says there’s no one else and he hasn’t gone off me, but doesn’t think its fare but he contradicts himself constantly with no real reason that he want to be single, he doesn’t think things will get better and even if he worked it wud be worse due to more hours.. he repeats saying he has nothing to give feelings wise but i ask is it cause he has no feeling for me, he says no he has strong feeling for me.i said he just wants to scrumple me up and throw me away by dumping me, he said im not doing that. I said but that’s what ur doing.
he said im just saying i don’t see a future in it, well for the majority of 2014 anyway while he sorts out things.. he repeats over and over iv got nothing to give, iv got nothing left to give, he says he cares about me and im cool we get on etc but he says im just in no situation to be with anyone..its not that i want to throw it away, iv just got nothing left to give, what u want i can’t give u that???Feelings and stuff..when i ask what feelings he has for me he struggles saying i care about u, of course i have got feelings for u, good ones, the good kind, i like you but struggles with saying any more, yet he says he wud hate it if i was with someone else and wud kill for me. He says he not pushing me out of his life, but he is. And doesn’t want to be in any relationship at all.. and says over and over im not going anywhere.
I’m so confused and put a year into this relationship and my heart and soul is with him even with his faults, but so confused in on hand he doesn’t seem to want to lose me but he’s dumping me.??
Please help me ...i don’t know what to do..
p.s. he also dumped me in oct similar reasons but blamed it on S.A.D. and wen we spoke 4 days latter seamed to understand me and we were ok again, but i don’t think it helps he was drinking a lot at the time also and this time was the same he had drunk a lot of alcohol. I dont believe hes an alcoholic but wen he does drink it doesn't help.. doesent blame it on sad him self iv just seen patterns so i believe wen he gets stressed worried hes gonna loose his flat or have money for food etc..he drinks it doesn't help and he pushes me away thinking hes not good enough and im having to put up with a lot which isnt fare..
thanks

[mollymari]

I am sorry to say but by what you have said, it sounds like he may have a tough time with confrontation, doesn't want to hurt you any more than this situation already is.

He may be asking you to read between the lines as he begins this separation;

It is impressed that this man needs to help himself right now and anything he does have to give , he needs to give himself, as painful as that will be for you, perhaps a selfless act of providing that space may be the best medicine..

[mollymari]

Lonely21, I wanted to add, it takes a tough person to go through what your going through right now. I am sorry if what I wrote earlier was difficult to read or hurtful in any way. It was not my intention.

But aside from putting his needs first as he endures his healing process, you must remember, it is also not fair on you to be in this position.. Your hurting too and must care for yourself first and foremost. I hope you know that.
We can try helping our loved ones until our faces turn blue but if we allow ourselves to go wayside in the process, well, how is that helping?
I think you ought to focus on yourself and from that, he'll learn much be it from a distance or in the next room, don't let your light fade out.

[basilandthyme]

Having experienced depression myself, I totally understand the concept of having nothing left to give. It's not about you...rather, he only has sufficient energy to concentrate on himself.

And I'm just going to mention that your responses about how he's crumpling you up and discarding you etc are only making things worse for him. If you want to ensure the relationship ends, this is the right way to go about it. If he can't deal with anything more than himself right now, a distraught partner putting a guilt trip on him really isn't helping.

All that being said, what's he doing to fix his situation? You've mentioned depression, unemployment, SAD and issues with alcohol. Is he seeking professional help to get on top of these issues? If not, you should be walking away from him.

This guy is very broken. Perhaps reconsider being with him when he gets on top of his issues, but not before that.