Still in a lot of pain six years later

[needadvicepleas]

Hi there
My ex (let's call him 1) left me six years ago when we were 21. I have since had other relationships - one lasted four years and we lived together (let's call him 2) - because I believed I should try and get over it. I wasn't being callous, I did feel 'something' for 2, it just wasn't the same kind of 'love' I had for 1.

I recently left 2 and don't miss him at all, which surprises me quite a lot. Throughout the four years we spent together, I would periodically feel a lot of pain over my breakup with 1, but I assumed it was some kind of psychological problem (I had psychological problems anyway) and left it to counselling.

I did have therapy and I no longer have mental health problems (which is awesome), but since splitting up with 2 and thus not feeling guilty about thinking about 1 I am in extraordinary pain once more - it's kind of like going out with 2 was a sort of anaethesia that dulled it all for a while, but didn't make it go away, and now it's back with a vengeance!

So I've tried all the usual things. No contact (I haven't spoken to him or seen him for 4 years), reminding myself of all the ways he wasn't perfect to ensure he is not put on a pedestal, going out with other people, trying to accept rather than fight the pain and let myself cry about it (learned that one in therapy), having therapy of course...but six years on it still feels like someone is punching me in the guts.

I suppose the difference between 1 and other people is quite clear: he made me feel very wanted. He was also very passionate and showed he loved me in all kinds of ways, so I guess the difference is that I felt like I was 'special' to him in some way. I think this feeling is important in relationships, and will look for it in future ones....but before then, I'd quite like to just get over this! I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends that I still feel very in love with 1, as they'll just tell me to get over it.

I think part of the problem is that I think that if me and 1 had met now, everything would have been fine. But because I had quite bad mental health problems at the time (I had eating disorders) I was a right hassle to deal with, and I think that must have been what pushed him away because he still seemed to love me when we split up. In fact, he told me that he did. In fact, he continued to tell me he did for a year after we broke up. I know that seems manipulative, but I don't think he was actually deliberately being manipulative. I think he's just a bit of an idiot and he was a lot less experienced than me in relationships.

I should say I don't blame myself at all. It wasn't my fault I had problems, and there was nothing I could have done about it. It's more that I'm sad that these mental health problems took so much away from my life - many other things as well as 1 - and this is sort of the 'icing on the cake'.

I don't really know what I'm asking for...I suppose I just wonder if there's something I could do to lessen the pain?

[haxan]

Just tell yourself when those thoughts come about that he doesn't care about you anymore and doesn't feel the same way. Why feel a loss or pain from someone not being in your life WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU? Have enough self esteem and self respect to accept it and move on in life.

[needadvicepleas]

Just tell yourself when those thoughts come about that he doesn't care about you anymore and doesn't feel the same way. Why feel a loss or pain from someone not being in your life WHO DOESN'T WANT TO BE WITH YOU? Have enough self esteem and self respect to accept it and move on in life.

Thank you for your advice, I should have said that this is one of the other things I've tried I am under no illusion that he would want to be with me. In fact, I'm pretty sure he would run a mile if he saw me on the street because I got pretty stressful at times!

My self esteem is much improved and getting better all the time, as well. I'm relatively attractive - well I get a lot of male attention, anyway, though I rarely if ever like them back (I was like that before I met this guy, it isn't related) - and I'm quite successful in life generally, so I don't really feel there's anything wrong with me. Somehow my thoughts just don't seem to take an inch off my emotions, though?

I wonder if I just miss the way he made me feel rather than miss him, really.

[prebegan]

If u still love him, i ll say go for him, maybe this is unconventional advice, but i ll say love like that it happens once in a lifetime!, to love someone for more than 6 yrs. But if u decided to do this u should be very careful, u need to find out does he still love u, and r u ready for that step, and most important thing, r u psychically cured? and ready for that kind of BOOM in ur life. With this u can broth haven or hell in ur life... Btw I think this would help u, its my own experience, i was in love with one girl for more than 7 yrs, at one time she loved me too... Anyway I brought hell in my life, and I have very strong mental health. Im saying be VERY CAREFULL!!!

[Valixy]

I suppose you miss the emotional and mental connection you had with him, all human beings long for feeling connected and the deeper the connection, the better. You need to find something new in life to be really passionate about, that could fascinate you and fill your heart with emotion.There are things, teachings, projects, that can touch you even deeper than a love relationship and transform you in a new and happier person. Find yours and you won't look back anymore or miss anything from the past, because you'll have something much better and complete in the present.

[needadvicepleas]

Thanks all. I hadn't looked back on here beforehand, but what I ended up doing was Facebooking him. I realised that I don't love him anymore, and I don't know if I'd ever want to be with him again, but that I really, really missed him and perhaps I was curious as to whether or not I would fall in love with him again if I knew him. I didn't quite say that to him, I basically said that if I was still thinking of him now it seemed ridiculous for me not to try to contact him, and messaging him did make me feel loads better. I don't really expect him to get back to me at all, I think it's nigh impossible that he's been thinking of me too, but I guess Facebooking him and admitting how I felt made me feel less ashamed of it! I think I was starting to call myself a loser for being kind-of 'hung up' on someone for years ago, but when I told him about it I actually felt pretty good about myself - I thought it took guts to do that. And now I know that I won't go on for years with regrets, wondering what would have happened if I had contacted him.

In a strange way, now I've done that, I feel more ready to move on. It's like closure, I guess. I've stopped pretending not to have feelings for him, which I guess I was for years.

The mistake I made in this whole situation was to try and force myself to move on years ago. I completely ignored the very strong feelings I had for him and berated myself for having them - I thought I was weak for loving him. Had I just accepted that I loved him and it was going to hurt and that's human, not me being pathetic, I think I would have been able to be content in my life without him, and still be in love with him at the same time (it takes a while to go away). Maybe that's something that will help others here. It's not all about 'moving on', it's about accepting you feel like shit and letting yourself feel that way. Not fighting it, I guess.

I am content now. I've realised that I don't want to move on just yet, I don't want another boyfriend just yet, and luckily as a daydreaming introvert I have no problem being alone! I had already planned to spend this year focusing on other areas I want to change in my life - I want to change my career, for a start, and I also want to socialise more than I have been over the last few years. These things are happening, I've made major changes. I think I'll just focus on that this year to ensure that the life I live is the life I actually want to be living. Once I feel like I'm doing that, then I'll start looking at relationships again.

Cheers everybody anyway!

[moneyspills]

One of the best moves a woman can make to get a man back is to focus on her own life. Instead of calling him four times a day, stop calling him altogether. Delete his number from your phone. Stop writing long, heartfelt emails to the man. Just give up or at least appear to be giving up. If you can do this, you're going to accomplish two very important things. First, he's going to wonder where in the world you've gone. He's expecting you to plead with him to come back. Now that it's not happening, he'll start to question his own appeal.

I found this video on Youtube and I believe the method shared in it will help you get him back: