Why is this such a mood-killer for my bf?

[searock]

When my boyfriend and I are watching a movie at home (which generally means that we are going to have sex), if a sex scene comes up that is longer than, say, a minute, and that is quite graphic, it immediately kills his mood and he doesn't want to have sex anymore. He becomes uncomfortable and embarrassed for some reason. If we were playing with each other during the scene, he loses his erection and even after the scene is over he isn't able to get back to where we left off. Needless to say, it's quite frustrating as I am looking forward to having our usual amazing sex, but just like that his mood is ruined. I am also a bit worried because he feels bad about it and I don't want him to feel guilty, also I don't want him to think of sex as something that he "owes" me even when he's not in the mood, or anything like that.

I asked him why this happens (in the most calm and empathetic way possible) and he wasn't able to give me an answer, all he said was that watching long-ish sex scenes (not to mention porn) with me makes him uncomfortable and it kills his mood for the rest of the night. He asked me why it didn't have the same effect on me, I told him that while it does bother me to do stuff with him during those scenes (I find them distracting and mood-killing), once they're over I'm able to get back to us.

So my question is, do you have any theories as to why this happens? Does this happen (or has this ever happened) to you and/or your partner, and if so what is/was the reason? I'm just looking for hypothesis' here, I know that the only one who can truly answer this question is him. Thank you in advance :-).

[HeartIsAching]

*blink*

...I haven't got a clue. That's so odd.

[cosquin]

Well, sometime ago, I brought out my girlfriend to a motel.
In that room had a screen in which a porn movie was on. My gf told me that it was highly disturbing for her and that she could not concentrate due to the scenes with a lot of moaning. I couldn't find the way to turn off the screen as there was no remote cotrol, nor wires or plug in sight. I was the one who was then disturbed due to not being able to turn off the screen

[searock]

Dunno if this helps, but he's always very shy and embarrassed at the very mention of porn. He told me freely that he watches it from time to time and I have absolutely no problem with it, so his shame feelings must come from somewhere/time previous to our relationship.

[KingZ]

He had a traumatic childhood experience that involved embarrassment/humiliation during a movie, the specifics of which are probably irrelevant. Telling you would involve reliving the experience, so he'd rather dodge the question.

Guaranteed or your money back.

[edit] If I had to just take a stab in the dark, I'd say his mother walked in on him.

[goodmorning]

maybe you should turn the movie off when you are trying to do it.

tv and movies are distracting and are all around awful and just a mood killer if they are in your bedroom.

also movies nowadays suck.

[searock]

We keep movies on so that our roommates can't hear us. We generally don't even care what movie is on, it's just the sex scenes that are an issue, and they sometimes pop up even in movies we didn't expect them to. To clarify, if they're scenes like "these two characters had sex and it is going to modify their relationship, now here's what happened the morning after" it's not a problem, it's just graphic and long sex scenes that are. Even after the scene is over (or we put on another movie), the problem doesn't go away.

KingZ, you may be right about the movie thing. Maybe his mom walked in on him watching porn? It's like he is disgusted at himself for watching porn, he thinks it's a "dirty" thing to do, or something. I think it has a lot to do with his religious upbringing, he was made to believe that sexual pleasure is a sin. I hate that stuff! Ruins it for him, and for me. It's infuriating because when he "lets himself go" (which happens most of the times) the sex is just amazing.

Anyway, do any of you have any advice on what I should do on those occasions? He shuts down and just lies there, watching the movie and saying he's sorry and cuddling me... if I initiate again he is sometimes too nervous and embarrassed and nothing happens, which makes him even more nervous and embarrassed, so I don't really want to do that. Sometimes he will initiate after a while, but it's always like he's putting way too much effort into it than he should, it's like he does it because he's "supposed" to so as to not disappoint me or something, so that doesn't end well either. Basically his mind gets in the way, with all the self-shame and embarrassment (for whatever reason). Should I just lay there, cuddle him back and pretend like nothing happened?

[asdfg789]

put on the cartoon channel. problem solved.

[pcmaster]

Thats crazy. I think you should talk with him something like therapy you know.

[KingZ]

Anyway, do any of you have any advice on what I should do on those occasions? He shuts down and just lies there, watching the movie and saying he's sorry and cuddling me... if I initiate again he is sometimes too nervous and embarrassed and nothing happens, which makes him even more nervous and embarrassed, so I don't really want to do that. Sometimes he will initiate after a while, but it's always like he's putting way too much effort into it than he should, it's like he does it because he's "supposed" to so as to not disappoint me or something, so that doesn't end well either. Basically his mind gets in the way, with all the self-shame and embarrassment (for whatever reason). Should I just lay there, cuddle him back and pretend like nothing happened?

Hah! Are you sure you aren't sleeping with a woman?

[janie]

Its just a sense of shame/uncomfortability reminiscent of watching porn. kinda like how a guy might be embarrassed if he was caught watching porn. while not every guy is this way its not that weird. its probly from being told since we are little that sex scenes/porn is bad and dirty.

[Valixy]

I remember that when I was growing up, my mother used to feel a little bit embarrassed when we were watching a film together and a sex scene suddenly came up, she even used to make a negative comment sometimes. Funny thing is that as an adult, if I watch a film with my mother and there is a sex scene, I tend to feel a little embarrassed

It's probably related to some experience from his childhood or adolescence and I assume that being more or less your age, he is still a bit influenced by his old perception. I think that you should simply consider that he isn't feeling comfortable in those circumstances, we all have situations to which we respond better than to others after all, continue enjoying the moment and the affection and all the other occasions when he is feeling totally comfortable :-)

Some people are very sensitive to loud music, certain colours, etc, and this is no different. He will most probably get over it in time as he becomes more mature and the way he experiences his sexuality will be less and less connected to his old perception of it.

[dem862]

My guess would be that seeing other people having sex triggers feelings of insecurity in his own sexual ability (i.e. heightened sexual self-awareness).

[smackie9]

It's part of the package deal with him, it's just one of his quirks, so you are going to have to just live with it. Poking at it is not worth it.....just let it go.

[searock]

I know it's part of him and I love him no less because of it, of course. I'm just trying to understand the reason and see if there's anything I can do to make him less uncomfortable.

I too think that it has something to do with his past, something that happened to him as a kid or simply the sex-shaming environment he grew up in. Valixy, I too feel embarrassed when I see movies with sex scenes with my parents, heh. Maybe it's something similar to that, for him.

Anyway, thanks to all of you, reading your opinions made me feel better :-).