I am very long winded, I apologize in advance and appreciate any feedback.

[lovesaidno]

Background: I am 26, recently separated in July 2013. I am seeing someone who is 36 and separated a little over 2 years ago. They originally approached me. I am a very open, honest and detailed person. I like to express my feelings ( both good and bad ) and also appreciate the same from my partner.The main reason for my marriage failing was that we were not compatible, there was no messy part about it. We were both faithful and respected each other we just could not make it work. His marriage however was very messy, failed because his wife caught him exchanging intimate photos and words with four women online. He has tried to justify this to me by explaining that he feels he did not cheat because he was never physical with them and because he was feeling and receiving no love from his wife. I was very clear with him and explained that I agreed with his wife, and that there does not need to be physical things happening in order for it to be considered cheating. I have been very clear with him that I am not looking for a good time. I am looking for exclusiveness, that I do not share and that honesty is key if he wants anything to become of this.

I am the type of girl who falls hard and fast. A hopeless romantic, if you will. Some may describe me as being clingy or needy, however my intentions are good, they are just read incorrectly. When I am involved with someone, I focus all of my attention on them and making them happy. I strive to let them know how much they are appreciated and cared for. With that said, I am also a "fixer"; I consistently am drawn to people who I feel have issues that need to be resolved; and who better to help resolve them than myself. ( I've been doing some reading on this and have come to realize this is a control issue, I'll make a mental note to work on this ).

I started speaking to this man in October when he approached me while out with some friends one night. He added me to facebook and we began chatting online and through text very frequently. It wasn't until January that we started to hang out alone. He was up front with me and told me that he is an extremely sexual person so I was not surprised when he tried to make a move the first night we hung out. However, he also told me that he is not emotionally ready to have sex with someone as he feels its important to have a deep connection with a person and to have feelings for them ( which I appreciated ). The next few times we hung out, he continued to try to make moves ( no sex, just foreplay ). In the beginning I was finding it very difficult to connect with him because he turns every comment into something sexual, constantly wants to talk dirty, etc. I flat out told him he was moving way too fast and that I was not interested in what was happening. I was eventually able to get him to calm down a bit and talk to me like a real person. I started to notice a woman's name being mentioned somewhat frequently when I'd ask what he was doing. She was also tagged in things on his facebook, friends with his daughter, etc. I nonchalantly confronted him one day and asked if they were involved or if they had ever been involved. He told me no, they are not and have not been involved, they are only friends. My suspicions continued to grow regarding this woman.

Fast forward to Valentines Day. Since we technically are not dating and are only seeing each other, a girl friend and I decided to have a girls night out at a local restaurant and then go to "our bar" which also happens to be "his bar". Well, he shows up to the restaurant with about 10 of his friends (5 couples) plus this woman. Then after dinner they all come back to the bar, including her. I spent the entire night glaring them down and killing this girl with my eyes because I am naturally a jealous person. He came over to talk to me a few times closer to the end of the night. While there, he text me asking if I was mad at him.( um, duh? ) He admitted that he likes when I get jealous because I am a firecracker. Anyways, fast forward to a few weeks ago. I am out at our bar, and a friend of his ( who doesn't know that we are seeing each other ) tells me that my guy won't be joining us because he is with his girlfriend for the night. I said girlfriend? Oh thats interesting. Are you referring to * this girls name* and he said yes.

So I confronted him, and he immediately got defensive insisting she was not his girlfriend; that his friends assume they are dating because he spends a lot of time with her because she is helping him with financial stuff ( advice, investments etc ) so that he can purchase a home for himself and his daughter ( from a previous relationship, not the marriage ). I should have walked away right then and there, and said screw it but by this time I had already developed feelings for him.

I told him I would give him a chance to explain himself. I called him out on playing me, trying to have his cake and eat it too. He was very apologetic, was crying, etc etc. He told me he knew it was wrong, and that he was just scared to lose me or have me never talk to me again. He said he was going to come clean ( I call b.s) He continues to tell me that he is " trying" to hurry up the process so that he can be with me , but I have reason to believe that is untrue. He has told me that he loves me, that I make him feel different and that I am the only one who understands him. I asked flat out if they have ever done ANYTHING including kissing, he said they have kissed but that was it. He states that since he has been seeing me, he has even stopped the kissing. However, one night at my place I caught him in that lie when he admitted that they had fooled around but never had sex ( which I am not even sure that I believe now ).

So about a week ago he text me and said that I might finally be getting my wish ( which is for it to be just us, not this other girl involved ) and proceeded to tell me about a fight they had. I told him not to say things like that to me ; not to get my hopes up or get me excited for something that may not happen. I don't want to be told that its just going to be us, everytime they get in fight, only for him to go back to her.

He wants to hang out with me multiple times a week, but its only at my house. He is a very social person and loves going out, but yet for whatever reason doesn't want to go in public with me. I told him I feel like its because hes embarrassed about me or doesn't want to get caught with me, but he insists its because he enjoys the alone time and closeness we have and that coming to my place is his safe spot from the rest of the world. Everytime he comes here, hes so fixed on being sexual ( tons of making out, foreplay for him, no sex and I don't let him touch me even though he desperately wants to ) so I know hes not sticking around for sex or whatever. He has mentioned possibly planning a trip to see his sister and her children whom live in another province. He has hinted towards bringing me with him, although I have yet to meet his daughter or any other member of his family. He has also mentioned bringing me to events that we are both interested in over the summer. He has mentioned a few times about one day being a family with him and his daughter and a child of our own. He tells me that I would be a great mother.

We have had so many talks about what it is that we both want, and we seem to be on the same page except his is more "this is what I want but can't have it right now" type of deal. I just do not know what to do. I am the type of person who generally believes that you shouldn't give up on things too easily, that good things take some effort and hard work sometimes; but at the same time I feel like if we are working towards a relationship, we should be in that fun / flirty / happy stage and we are not. It is hard to trust new people in general, but when you start to trust them and they break that trust, its extremely difficult to move pass that - especially if the thing they lied about is continuing to happen.

Half of me is telling me I should run, but I am not sure how to since I have deep feelings for him especially when the other half of me is telling me that I need to give him a chance to get his priority taken care of first.

[surfhb2]

Well part of me is saying you should move on because this guy is social moth and that doesn't agree with your persona. Also, him not taking you out should be a deal breaker. Hello?! Also, the coming on too strong thing should be a deal breaker too.

Crying?! Seriously?! Lots of glaring red flags girl for a beautiful single woman who shares the planet with billions of guys who don't act this way. Just something to think about

Another part of me says you need to change the way you approach dating. You aren't in a relationship so hes free to do whatever he likes.....like dating other people. You have no right to be angry at him.

You sound like you want your cake and eat it too. Was your husband the boring, faithful type? The kind of guy you say you want but get bored to pieces once the dust settles? Or are you into the super exciting, fun guy who brings 10 people to a bar and is the life of the party? You rarely get both ya know. .

You're trying to "fix" this guy.....it ain't gonna work.

[lovesaidno]

The reason I feel that he shouldn't be seeing other people even though we don't technically have the relationship title is because of the way he acts. He tells me he loves me, only wants to be with me, etc. I've been up front with him and told him not to say these things to me unless they are true and unless hes going to make those things happen. Also because we had a discussion at the beginning of us talking about what we both feel is appropriate.

In regards to my ex spouse, they too were the life of the party which at the beginning I wasn't okay with; however I learned to trust them they never gave me a reason to not trust them. In fact, I ended up being the one to encourage that they go out with their friends ( male or female ) without me tagging along. I'm not someone who trusts people until they are not deserving of it, I trust people when they prove they can be trusted.

I'm not trying to have my cake and eat it too. I want him to be himself. If he is not able to commit or does not want to commit, that is fine. He just needs to tell me that, and not the opposite. ( Which I have told him to do , and he doesn't so therefor he is leading me to believe that he actually wants this).

[haxan]

Why does he need to "tell you" he doesn't want to commit? He's throwing it in your face and you can see it, but you want every reason to justify being a doormat for him. If you had respect for yourself you'd already move on, but for some reason you keep waiting for him to tell you he doesn't want you exclusively.

Take it from a guy, if we wanted you exclusively we'd have already taken you. Stop getting played.

[surfhb2]

He says he loves you?!

Next!

[IndiReloaded]

Take it from a guy, if we wanted you exclusively we'd have already taken you. Stop getting played.

This^. He's an attention-whore and doesn't respect your feelings. Do yourself a favour and look at him for who he IS, not who you wish he was. Then you will realize you need to move on. This doesn't make either of you bad people, btw, just incompatible.

Good luck.

[Lord Darkshire]

You are being played, ditch the guy before you get yourself hurt anymore.

[smiling100]

Take it from a guy, if we wanted you exclusively we'd have already taken you. Stop getting played.

Totally agree.

If he was 100% into you he would not take the risk in losing you & date other women.

You are emotionally involved & he is calling the shots so it's easy for us to say ditch him.

My guess is you will hang around & let him stroke his ego.


Good luck



Think about it. If he caught his wife sending pics to other men online would he of thought it was harmless & not cheating?

He has double standards & sounds like a douche.

[lovesaidno]

His wife was also cheating on him and sending inappropriate pictures with her best friends husband, whom was also a close friend of my guys.

However, I do agree that he sounds like a douche. The thing is, or seems to be , is that I know all of these things sound horrible and they really are, and yes I deserve better and shouldn't settle for him etc etc. If I was an outside looking in, I would tell this girl ( me ) to run for the hills as fast as she could.... its the saying no part and leaving that gets me.. I have been so clear in telling him no, I don't want to see u or talk to u or touch u etc and then he says something sweet or says something to make me change my mind even though I know its wrong.. In fact, even when he tries to make out with me I'll stop him and push him away. He asks whats wrong and I tell him flat out, I can't sit here and kiss you knowing you've been kissing her...and then yet I just let it continue, its like I have no control.

[smiling100]

and then yet I just let it continue, its like I have no control.

Yes I understand & feel for you we have all been there.


You have 2 choices hang in there, let it continue & go for the ride or take control.

Relationships should not be that hard.

Tell me since you have been involved with this guy are you happy at least 80% of the time or is it the other way around?

[lovesaidno]

I find that most of the time I am left feeling not happy. I am always questioning if hes being truthful, if he means what hes saying, if he feels how he says he feels, why is it taking him an hour to respond to a text when he says hes at home doing nothing etc etc etc

[IndiReloaded]

Y
Tell me since you have been involved with this guy are you happy at least 80% of the time or is it the other way around?

Great Question.

I find that most of the time I am left feeling not happy. I am always questioning if hes being truthful, if he means what hes saying, if he feels how he says he feels, why is it taking him an hour to respond to a text when he says hes at home doing nothing etc etc etc

Good answer. Do you want to be happy? Do you deserve it?

[Boisdevie]

and then yet I just let it continue, its like I have no control.

Jeezus hi christ lady. You're a ****ing grown up for gods sake. Do you realise just how pathetic that sounds? Act your age instead of the 'poor little old me I have no control' bullshit.

[smiling100]

I find that most of the time I am left feeling not happy.

You deserve to be happy


I'm sure there is a guy that can make you happy. Just because you have not found him yet does not mean he does not exist