Bewildering situation?

[clarabellew]

Hi,

I'm a 32 year old female, married twice and have two daughters. So, I'm not inexperienced with relationships. Also, with regards to this situation, I am not distressed by it. I am not devastated, suicidal or crying all the time. I am, however, a little bewildered and really don't know what to make of it!!

My best friend Laura (32) has been with her boyfriend for 11 years. A few years ago, another friend, Becky, started seeing a guy, Andrew, that she'd met on the Net. Becky and Andrew dated for a bit and then ended amicably. Laura got talking to Andrew on Facebook, on and off, and they flirted and became close. Just after Christmas, Laura was considering leaving her boyfriend for Andrew, although she never told Andrew this. Just then, Andrew went funny and distant with her and it threw her. I offered to get in touch with Andrew to see if I could find out how he was feeling.

I got in touch with Andrew on Facebook. We never talked about Laura. We hit it off straight away. We are both very independent, self-sufficient people. We have a lot in common, both have a love of Lord of The Rings, and the Big Bang Theory, gardening and loads of other stuff. We spent lots of time talking on Facebook and really liked each other. About two weeks later, he invited me over to his to watch a movie. We had a lovely night, talked literally non-stop, had a laugh together and we did end up sleeping together. A couple of days later, we were talking on Facebook and I managed to steer the conversation into the direction of us. I told him I liked him and he said he liked me too, but didn't want to rush into anything, he thought we should spend time getting to know each other and that it was early days. I agreed with him. We've seen each other a few times since; I've stayed at his one night, we went out for drinks one night, and he's stayed over at mine one night.

In between, we've talked loads on Facebook. There's a couple of notable talks we've had that I want to mention. Firstly, at the end of the "we like each other" conversation, I mentioned about him being my boyfriend and he felt a bit awkward and re-iterated it was early days. Then about a week after we said we liked each other and stuff, I had a bit of a wobble and messaged him worrying that I felt he was changing his mind. He was a little funny about it, saying he hadn't, but was okay about it. I kind of did the same not long ago and again, he got a bit funny, pointing out that it was the third time I had questioned the direction our relationship was going, and given that we had only known each other for about 5 weeks, he wasn't sure what I expected from in after such a short time. Then last Monday, we were messaging each over and in the conversation I said "Well I'm not going to choose my boyfriend based on other people's approval".

We were messaging yesterday,he said he'd like to talk and could we meet up. I sensed the tone and got him to talk straight away on Facebook. Basically, he thinks he's not feeling as much as what I seem to be, going by a few things I've said lately. He doesn't know why because he does enjoy my company. He recalls that early on I said I was developing feelings for him and he had found it a little overwhelming. I've said a few times in emails that I'm thinking about him and miss him, but he says he's finding that he's not doing the same in return. He's happy to see me when we meet, but finds he's not missing me in between like he thinks he should be. He wants to put the physical side to one side and to go forward for now as friends. He says there's no one else on the scene. I asked if there was a chance that he would want more of a relationship in the future, and his response was that at this time he couldn't say either way.

My response to the above was to play it down. I pointed out that I tell a number of my friends that I miss them, and am thinking of them and love them. Doesn't mean I have feelings for them. I said it was okay not to miss me, I don't always miss him. It would be a bit weird for him to be missing me all the time. And I pointed out that (in my opinion) love - not that this is what this is - rarely happens at first sight. Relationships sometimes take time to build. And I left it at that. We haven't spoken since.

There's a few things you should know. Firstly, he works 12 hour night shifts at a mental health hospital. It's a difficult and stressful job. It also restricts our relationship. Secondly, he's been feeling ill for a while - he's not sleeping well and is run down with some kind of virus or bug. Thirdly, he mentioned yesterday that he's distracted by family issues (although didn't expand on that). And now one of his best friends was rushed to hospital yesterday at 7 months pregnant. I can't help but, on reflection, notice a change in him generally. Looking back to his Facebook status', and comments, and conversation and interaction from when I first met him, they were witty, flirty (it's his nature), lighthearted, fun, engaging. Now.... they're shorter, more blunt, not fun, negative, often just fact (i.e. "Well that were an unpleasant dream"). It's not like him.

So I just don't know what to make of it. I think I have come on too strong. I've tried to push him. I think he's misinterpreted some things I've said. But I do think I've come across as too keen and now he's got scared and is slowing it right back to friends because of the pressure? And the other things I've mentioned above aren't helping?

I personally think, having got to know his personality, he likes to chase. He likes the flirting, the banter. In the past he's liked some of my status' just to highlight that he's still there. Now that I've become a bunny boiler, I've taken that away from him. I think, if I back right off ( and in the process show him I'm not as hung up on him as he's believes), he will start to miss the contact, will wonder if he's made the right decision and will initiate the relationship again. Or maybe, he'll contact me as friends and it will lead into a relationship, albeit at a slower pace, from a better friendship. He acknowledged that he likes me, and enjoys my company, and we are clearly physically attracted to each other, so surely that counts for something??

Thoughts and advice would be much appreciated.....

Clare

[smackie9]

He's charming, sucks you in, sleeps with you are few times, and as soon as "relationship" gets mentioned or you are being too keen, it's over. Now you know what happened with your friend Laura. He knows exactly what he is doing, you got played simple as that. He knows how to work you ladies, say the right things, does the right things, and before you know it, you are hooked. Too late to play the distance game on him, (it's not going to work anyways, he's pretty smart dude), he's probably already busy chatting up his next victim.

[clarabellew]

Hmmm, I don't know. Let me tell you a bit more about Andrew and you'll see why I'm not convinced. Andrew, by his own confession, is a complete geek. His interests in life are Indiana Jones, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, collecting memorabilia for these, nature, animals (esp. cats), gardening, walks in the countryside, drinking tea and the occasional tipple of whiskey or rum. Whilst I think he's very cute and adorable looking, he's no Brad Pitt. He even looks like a geek. So, he's not your usual "love 'em, use 'em and leave 'em" type. He has many close female friends, but he isn't isn't really ina lifestyle where he meets lots of new people. So I'm not sure if there's a 'new victim' involved?

I really can't help think that something isn't right with him. I suspect he's feeling stressed (even if he doesn't realise it). As I said in my original post, his behaviour seems to have changed over the last maybe four or five weeks. He's just not his happy, funny self. He's ill, he's not sleeping great (although I think he's managed to get in from work this morning and have a good nearly four hours today). Someone posted a Lord of the Rings picture about Hobbits (his favourite of the characters) on his FB wall last night and he hasn't responded to it at all - and that's not like him. This morning, he posted "three and a half days off... what am I gonna do with myself?". A mate said "drink..." but Andrew responded with "done enough of that just lately", and I have noticed that in the last week, when he's been off, has has been having a fair few tipples.... nothing to be worried about, but it's not like him. Other people, including me, have also commented a couple of hours ago but he hasn't responded to any of it. Really not like him.

Interestingly enough, a close male friend of mine, when I put the situation to him completely hypothetically (he doesn't know about me and Andrew at all), says that the female has completely scared the male off and made him run a mile. Pushing too quick and coming across as a nutter, resulting in him backing off coz of the pressure. Which is what I know I have done - without even realising it.

Is it not possible though, if in time we start talking more and more again about our common interests, we'll end up getting alone great, getting closer and trying again? Without me bunny boiling this time? I know when Laura was talking to him, it moved a lot slower (probably because she's already with someone) and they really got to know each other.

[smackie9]

I know someone like this....he is still single at 45. You can go as slow as you want, they just don't want to commit, or don't feel like it.

[clarabellew]

I can see that. Not sure I understand it, but yes, I can see that he might be like that. He's 37 next week, has had serious relationships before and I think he has lived with someone (from the very brief bit I know, I don't think it was a very happy co-habitation) but I think he's been on his own more than anything.

So if I am going to try to turn the situation around (which I'd like to, although if it doesn't work, so be it - good things are sometimes worth making the effort and fighting for though), what's my best approach? We had 'the conversation' about being friends on Saturday and whilst he's liked a few of my FB status' since, we haven't actually spoken. I haven't acknowledged him at all, I haven't even liked any of his status'. I'm conscious though that whilst he isn't contacting me, he may well be conscious that I'm not contacting him and we're in a stale mate. Or is is testing to see how long I'd wait? Or does he want a week or two (or however long) of complete cooling off to think about things? Do I comment on the odd status to try and initiate a bit of contact and see if he rolls with it or not?

[smackie9]

He too smart to play games. Most guys are pretty black and white with their thinking. I feel he's already made the decision not to pursue it any further.

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It's quite possible he has found someone else he is interested in.