I'm so dumb....

[Luke_]

A small preface to my life and dating... I've been lied to, cheated on and walked out on. Love has been something I've struggled with. I don't have much for family or friends and am relatively on my own. But that's enough of that, on to why I'm here.

I did something completely miserable. I went online to dating site... Looking for anything. Companionship, encounter or relationship. I truly thought the ladder wasn't going to happen. My mistake was I created an alternated identity. I fell for a girl I met and she fell for me. We spent countless hours skyping, texting and having phone conversations. We finally met and it was everything we thought it would be. Our dates and meet ups were so fun. We expressed our love for each other an desires to be together. Even talked about living in the same town as we lived an hour from one another. We did this while I operated under a fabricated name, job and told her I was 25 while I was 29... I wanted to tell her from the get go, but put it off. I avoided conflict at all cause. It ate me up, but she made me so damn happy and I made her so happy. I've never seen a girl look at me the way she looked at me.

Three weeks ago, she found out about my name. She was really hurt. I had an opportunity to come clean but I didn't. I lied again to make my lie not sound so bad. I don't know what I was thinking. It's so selfish, I just wanted things the way they were. But they weren't... I think she knew that I lied again. Nevertheless, we began talking more this past week. Thursday, we had a fantastic conversation and I thought things were moving in the right direction again. Friday, there was very little contact between us. When things are great, there is a lot of communication and when things aren't, there is limited to none. That's how this 3 week stretch has gone. A roller coaster, all because of me. So Friday, I tried to get ahead of this thing. I decided I'd come clean about everything. I wrote her a letter expressing how I felt about her and I was going to tell her to her face about the lies. I came to her work, she's a bartender. I sat at her bar and had some beers. I could tell something wasn't right at all. I requested we talk after work, she agreed. But she blew me off. It was really upsetting. We live an hour away from each other. I drove there, stayed out there all night just to talk to her and she blew me off... I think she found out about my actual name that day. It would explain that we hadn't spoken that much. I went in to a frenzy, calling her and texting her an obscene amount of times over Friday Night and much of the day Saturday. No responses until shortly before she went to work. All she did was ask me to stop blowing up her phone. She was upset about my actions over the past 12 hours, said it made her feel uncomfortable and said they were 'psychotic.' Also told me she knew about the lies of my name and employment. I was really down, but I told here I would back off and apologized... She was right too. I was crazy. I couldn't stop myself. I'm a fairly reasonable guy when it comes to that stuff, very uncharacteristic for me to do something of that nature. So I left her be. All night and all day. I sent her a text telling her 'I didn't want to lie to her anymore and that when she's ready for the truth, I'll tell her.' I then went on Skype, knowing she works all night and recorded a video message for her. I came clean about my lies, apologized to her for my actions. I truly am sorry and I think that was evident. I did this because I'm not sure she'll ever talk to me again. Not sure I would if the roles were reversed. This is so messed up. It happened so fast. Everything I told her about my family, where I live, my feelings for her, her experiences with me were authentic. For whatever reason I couldn't come clean about these lies I told from the get go. It was selfish and I know it. I've never loved anyone like I love this girl. She told me the same... But now I think I've messed things up beyond repair. How could this possibly work out? Thanks for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[basilandthyme]

Sorry, you have messed things up beyond repair. But the positive is that you will learn from this and not do the same thing again.

In the meantime, have a look at why you've been lied to, cheated on and walked out on. Dude, nobody has this much bad luck without contributing in some way themselves. What were you doing wrong: Making bad choices of partners? Ignoring red flags? Not being a good partner?

Similar thing with friends and family. Granted, one can't choose their family and sometimes we do end up estranged....but why do you have no friends?

Sorry, not an overly positive response from me - but I do think it's time for some navel gazing by you.

[Luke_]

Yep... I pretty much suspected I messed this one up beyond repair. The Skype messages today were sort of a 'Hail Mary' so to speak. She hasn't told me it's over yet, but it seems inevitable. I've done all I can do, accepted accountability and will likely roll with some NC from this point on.

As for my previous relationships, I'm most certainly to blame for the lack of failure. My biggest weakness is that I don't think things are ever over. I think just about anything can be reconciled as long as the feelings are there. Maybe that's naive. I definitely have some trust issues I have to work through.

As for my friends, I've got them but they aren't local. Everyone has moved on and made families for themselves. I'm sort of the last one left. It's awfully isolating. It's not as dire as I made it seem. As for family, that's legit. My family sucks.

[TheEvilJester]

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I would agree that it is very possible you have damaged the relationship beyond repair. I would agree with basil. In the end, whether you truly have is really up to her. I suppose it is not completely unheard of or impossible that she could look past it, but it doesn't seem very likely. Relationships must be built on trust. When that has been broken so soon, it would seem to her like a giant red flag. How can she expect to trust you when you lied about simple things like your name, job, age, etc?

Hindsight is always 20/20. I don't mean to judge you, so please don't mistake my words for me trying to do that. I am sure you never intended this to happen. One question I would have is why did you make up an alter ego in the first place? I mean, from your story it sounds like you were hoping to find new friends and a possible new love interest. So, why not just be honest about yourself? Didn't you think ahead to realize that this could happen if somebody actually were interested in your profile? Again, hindsight is 20/20, so it is easy to say that now. But, I would definitely recommend you remove or edit the profile that isn't really you and instead make it actually about the real you. Either way, good luck.

[Luke_]

I appreciate the honest feedback. My reason for lying was that I was trying to conceal my employment out of concerns that a client of mine would end up seeing my profile. It was a genuine concern and to be honest, I was ashamed of going online for dating. In hindsight, I wish I had been honest from the very beginning. The ball is in her court. We briefly exchanged texts last night and this morning. She is incredibly hurt over this and I'm not sure if she believes she can get past this or not. She will respond to small talk but not real questions... I flat out asked her if she wanted me to stop contactin her and stop trying with her... She hasn't responded. Part of me wants to be optimistic about it and think that she doesn't know what to do. I want to think that she is still in love with me and get past this whole thing. The other part of me wants to delete her contact info and install no contact. I'm hurting very much as well and I know she is. She didn't deserve this. It's my fault. I simply do not want to cause any more grief or pain.

[nena88]

very true the feedback

[IndiReloaded]

No recovery from this fumble, dude. Learn from this.

What are you so ashamed of that you feel the need to lie about who you are?

[Luke_]

I have no idea what to do here. I've struggled in this circumstance. I simply do not know what to do. I'm crazy in love with this girl. Do I let some time go by and try to talk to her a week or so? Or do I not try and just cease conversation with her? We exchanged some texts earlier this morning. I asked her if I could call her during our convo and she said 'probably not, she didn't have anything to say to me.' I followed that up with, 'Do you want me to stop talking to you and stop trying with you?' She simply didn't respond. She did this same type of thing when she first found out about the lies. She expressed to me how hurt she was, but I asked her if this was 'goodbye' and 'if this was the end' and she just won't respond to that specific question. Last night she hinted at not knowing if she could get over this and that she thought this was worse than being cheated on. She actually said she would have rather been cheated on. That hurt, but it's nice to know the truth. Honestly, 24 hours later I feel better. Regardless of whether she is willing to take me back, which is very 'dicey' at best, I feel better that I came clean about everything. It would've been much, much worse had this thing gone on longer. So, how do I do this? I don't want to press her and annoy her. I know she's thinking about me and I know she still has feelings for me otherwise she would've just ignored me and not talked to me one bit. I'm a hopeless optimist and can't give up. I told her in our texts that I wouldn't give up unless she told me it was over. She has expressed her hurt feelings, but hasn't told me it's over. Is there any reason for optimism or is the end inevitable?

[IndiReloaded]

You're done. Any sane girl will run for the hills now with your lies.

If she doesn't then you are in for a world of pain b/c she's as nuts as you might be. Saavy? You need to stop trying to ignore your real problem, which isn't that you think you love this poor girl. Its that there is something about yourself that you don't want to own, so you lie to yourself--and others--about it.

Check your navel, Luke. That will solve your problem. Good luck.

[Luke_]

You're done. Any sane girl will run for the hills now with your lies.

If she doesn't then you are in for a world of pain b/c she's as nuts as you might be. Saavy? You need to stop trying to ignore your real problem, which isn't that you think you love this poor girl. Its that there is something about yourself that you don't want to own, so you lie to yourself--and others--about it.

Check your navel, Luke. That will solve your problem. Good luck.

I truly came on here for help, not an insult. I've acknowledged my mistakes and what I did. I put myself in a lose lose situation right from the get go. My real problem? It was that I was genuinely concerned about meeting someone online and giving out too much information. This 'alter ego' that I created... It wasn't much more than a name and job. The things we spoke about, my feelings, experiences in life and everything else were truly genuine. I didn't disclose this personal information because I was so happy and I knew she was too. It was selfish, but I didn't want to disrupt what we had going. I did this knowing that the truth either had to eventually come out or that it would get found out. I knew this was inevitable. I was scared of the conflict involved.

Anyways, I don't mind the honest truth and feedback, but I feel like this statement is incredibly brash. People make mistakes. I made one here. I feel like this here is personal.

[AnErin]

How can she expect to trust you when you lied about simple things like your name, job, age, etc?

the OP could just say he doesn;t like to give out much personal info until he knows someone and is more comfy with them. Yeah it might be another lie but not one that can really be proven to be a lie.
The world depends on a certain amount of B.S'ing to really function. No one gets ahead by being honest.
If this girl has not split up yet, then just go with the flow.
EDIT -
Alright look, yes people on this forum are gonna say "give up, you blew it, do the NC thing, red flag etc..."
Well yeah giving up is the easy thing to do. It is definitely the quitter's and spinster's "easy button".
If you two think you can build something then work it out.

Of course i would not know, I tend to TRY to make things work instead of just calling it quits at the first sign that relationships are not fairy-tale perfect.

[basilandthyme]

I will add that if you need to use a false name to protect your identity, come clean as soon as you start building a rapport with a person. Something to the effect of "I feel I can trust you now....."

[bekho]

Is this a catfish situation?

Sent from my Nexus 4 using Tapatalk

[Luke_]

Not sure if this is a Catfish situation... I think the whole 'alter ego' has been over blown just a tad. We didn't talk much about work. She asked what job I did. I told her I did something and that was it. In fact, I have her a less desirable job than I currently work. The name thing is bad and I know it. We've spoken briefly throughout the last 3 days. Not sure if this thing is hanging by a thread or is over. She might now know either and I'm fine with that. I don't deserve another shot with her after all of this. But I've asked for
one more. She brough up logical points. If I lie to her about this stuff, what else could or
Would I lie about? I've told her that I don't expects we to trust me over night. I told
Her I don't want to lose her and that I will regain her trust with actions not
Words. Initially she said she can't do this. She's afraid of being hurt. I understood. We continued talking. She told me she still cares. Convo continued to go deeper. I expressed my feelings for her and that we could take things slow... She left it at 'I don't know what to do.' I told her to take
The time she needs.

[searock]

Why did you lie about your age though? You could have said that you were 28 or 30, if you really didn't want your *real age* on the dating profile. Why lower it so much?