Girlfriend vs Friend (who is an ex gf) - Dilemma

[confused2014]

Hey guys and gals, I have a very complex (or not so much) problem, which is eating away at all relationships involved. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

So heres the situation:

I am 27 years old (male). I have a girlfriend (26 years old), whom I am have been off and on dating for over a year now. We finally had something steady, but there is an ongoing issue.

My ex girlfriend (dated for 3 years in highschool and university) has been my best friend ever since. She has not dated many people since we broke up. We are very comfortable together, go on semi-dates (dinner, movies etc). I am no longer attracted to her, sexually or emotionally. She is a very good looking girl, but we are just really close friends.

There are some unresolved feelings between us. For one, we have never really talked about our feelings / situation since we ended dating (some 3-4 years ago).

I have been keeping my relationship with my current girlfriend a semi-secret from my ex gf, mainly because we have had a rocky start and neither of us knew what we wanted or where it was going to end up. I felt guilty for not explaining my current situation to my ex because in the mean-time, they have crossed paths and have become friends of friends (call it acquaintances). I also kept it from her because I did not want to hurt her, as there was a possibility that she still had feelings for me.

My current gf has been pressuring me into being more committed. In doing so, we felt it necessary to explain to my ex the situation. When I told my ex she completely freaked out. She expressed that she now has feelings for me. She explains that because we were in limbo (not expressing our feelings) she was comfortable with how things were going and did not express her feelings. She says that I owe it to her to take a step back from my current situation to at least figure out if there is unresolved issues between me and her that need to be hashed out. She claims that I can not make a clear decision if I have someone on the back-burner.

In telling my ex gf/ friend, she was offended that I lied by omission (in not telling her before, sneaking around etc). she says she will no longer be my friend if I pursue things with my current gf. This seems like a bluff, but i am afraid that it is much more. She is so hurt and ashamed that she is serious. I told her that I am pursuing things with my current gf, and she freaked, saying that I am the one making the decision to throw away 10+ years of friendship over this new girl.

Now I am stuck. Do I stick it out with the current girlfriend, who I adore and almost love. In doing so, I loose a lifelong friend.

Do I take time and space from my current situation to hash out what is left of my friendship with my friend? In doing so, I will probably loose the current gf, as this shows that I am in essence, choosing the friend over her...

To add to the fire, I am in the middle of medical exams. This has kept me up and has exhausted me physically and emotionally.

Thanks for your support, and sorry for the novel above

-Confused

[Smila]

Really??

This is really not an issue, EXCEPT somewhere down in your sub-conscious you still want your ex. If you do not, BE FIRM and tell her that you have moved on and go on to your current GF. Your ex is just being selfish because she has realized that you have someone else and she does not. (This is why i always say, its not healthy to be too close to your ex).
The ONLY way you can come out unscathed in all this, is to maintain your status quo, by being firm, DO NOT ALLOW HER GUILT TRIP YOU AND DICTATE TERMS FOR YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP..unless you still want her.

[confused2014]

Thanks for your reply Smila,

I agree, she is being selfish, and immature. I just dont want to hurt her. She has been by my side for almost a decade. The thought of loosing her as a friend is on par with the thought of loosing my current gf. I cant tell if it is a bluff or if she is serious that she will cut me out of her life altogether. ugh

[basilandthyme]

Kudos to your girlfriend for accepting that you have an ex in your life who you go on *semi-dates* with. Many (dare I say *most*) women would not be so accepting of your choices.

Anyway, now that your ex has confessed to still harbouring feelings for you, it's not longer as simple as losing her as a friend. She doesn't want to be just a friend and keeping her in your life is even more hurtful to her and disrespectful to your girlfriend.

Why? The ex seeing you but not being able to have you will be like twisting a knife in her heart each time you see her. As for your girlfriend, put yourself in her shoes: how would you feel if she was having semi-dates with an ex who still had feelings for her?

It's time to choose. Either get back with your ex or move on without her in your life.