I cannot see when I will heal

[irags19]

My girlfriend left moved out. I'm now spending my nights not only without her, but without our two kids. For so long it's really just been the two of us. I cannot stop crying and feeling absolutely miserable. I miss her. I miss my children. I feel so awful for pushing her to the point that she's doing this. What do I do? I cannot pick up a book. I cannot be bothered to clean the house. Eat. Watch tv. Listen to music. None of it is the same without them and her here with me. I don't really have friends, and don't really feel like being out anyway. Not when I literally cannot stop the tears. I don't know what to do. It's only getting worse.

[basilandthyme]

You need to seek the professional help you've been talking about. Get yourself into counselling ASAP

[irags19]

I'm working on that. I hope I'm not being too picky but I'm just trying to find the right one (and most affordable). I have a friend whose mother works in the field and is a close family friend. As soon as she gets back in touch and helps me, I won't feel comfortable picking somebody. Unfortunately, I'm finding out that there is an awful surplus of professionals in my town and as I said previously, making sure I find one that is not going to cram religion into every sitting is important to me. In the meantime, I don't know where to turn. My family is focusing on what she's done to our family and almost refuses to acknowledge that I have done what I have done to her. My father is the only person I feel can remain neutral and just help, and he lives 12 hours away. We just don't have friends here and I don't have many elsewhere. We've been SO busy parenting that we've not made many connections outside immediate family. It's part of why I think we and I in particular, got to where we did without any attempts to fix it.

[basilandthyme]

You don't need your friend's mother to hold your hand to find a therapist. When you book an appointment, it's perfectly OK to say that you want to see a therapist who will not bring religion into the discussion.

Yes, you may find that you need to see more than one therapist before you find a good fit. But this is quite normal.

No more excuses. Just pick up the phone and call.

[irags19]

It's not really a matter of holding my hand, honestly. It's a matter of, there are a lot of people in this town working in all sorts of medical fields, that just are not very good. I have had the misfortune of experiencing this firsthand. Surely that is understandable. I also realize that, I have a long road ahead of me, and am honestly not financially prepared to pay for therapy, but am doing it because I know it's necessary. That being said, I'm having to look for something I can afford. I am told there is a center here that bases things off your income. Unfortunately they were closed by the time I left work, got my kids, and dropped them with her.

You can see my fear of having to see more than one therapist before finding a good fit. I don't really have the money to be able to drop it on a person I may not see again. Especially after finding that the first meeting is the most expensive, sometimes double.

Do you know anything regarding therapy or have experience going? Reason I ask is, my friend's mother actually is a counselor, I'm just hesitant to ask her if she'd see me. I don't know if it'd be constructive or not. She is a wonderful woman and I am sure she would be professional. I feel it might be easier for me to confide in her knowing who she is and everything.

[basilandthyme]

Oh for Heaven's sake, WE'VE ALL HAD THE EXPERIENCE OF A NOT SO GOOD MEDICO OVER THE YEARS. I've had some shockers. But we pick up and try again with someone new. Your experience is not special or unusual...it's quite normal.

Get on the phone and start asking around. And don't go to someone you know - you need someone who has no social ties to you.

[irags19]

Well gosh. While I understand my experience isn't special or unusual and quite normal in the grand scheme, that doesn't mean it isn't special or unusual to me. Especially the emotional experience I'm going through. I've had my share of breakups sure, but none of them involved 2 children and their mother. I am sorry that I'm struggling with this. But I'm glad that you think I shouldn't see somebody I know. I was unsure and had a feeling she might say the same thing anyway so I wasn't expecting her to see me anyway.

[basilandthyme]

Have you found yourself a support network yet? Have you called a domestic violence/abuse hotline and asked for help?

[irags19]

I looked at a few hotlines online but they all seemed to be for victims so I wasn't really sure if that was what I needed to do. What do you mean by a support network? I haven't really had to do this before so I don't really know where to start.

[basilandthyme]

Start with Google. Try 'mens domestic violence recovery'. If that doesn't work, tweak your search criteria. I just managed to find a whole host of advisory services for men in my state and I've never done this before either. And I have no doubt a domestic violence hotline can refer you to the right place.

Was your reticence to use your initiative part of the downfall of your marriage?

[irags19]

In a sense, I'd say yes. I have known that she and I were not in a good place. What I cannot understand is why I continued to blame it all on her and refused to accept my role in it. I feel this is where counseling will be helpful for me. It's not like I'm a lazy prick who doesn't come home at the end of the day and take part in things. However, I will admit that, as I sit here now and think about all of the things I could have done on a daily basis to just, let her know I appreciated her, instead of spending so much time breaking her down and wearing her down, that I could have easily put a stop to it if I'd just expressed my feelings for her and been more open and emotional. This is another question I have, why I shut myself off and became so cold, when in general I am a happy and outgoing person. I feel at a loss when it comes to my identity. Who I wanted to be, who I am, and this other person I seem to have also being to her, have me so confused.

[HeartIsAching]

The training that I went to, that I found so effective was using "The Duluth Model", and it was group therapy. You might try googling for that.

[irags19]

Anything I can find on the Duluth Model seems to only mention battering and violence of a physical nature. If that's the case, it doesn't really help as I never physically hurt her.

- - - Updated - - -

Nevermind I found more knowledge on it that goes into more emotional levels of abuse.

[HeartIsAching]

Physical violence is an extension of emotional and mental abuse, usually when the controlling factors stop working. They'll cover it in therapy.

[galaxyman]

It's so hard. I struggled with my ex for 2 years. I never thought I'd be heartbroken that long. Suddenly it started to disappear slowly. And I mean slowly. I tried to make it stop consciously, but it was impossible. Literally the hardest thing I had to ever deal with. And I've seen family members decay from illness.