Saving a Marriage?

[StveRgrs]

Hi everyone. I could really use your insights on these issues. Some of you while reading this may not believe what I am telling you but if this is the case I ask that you challenge me with questions to 1. reassure you that I speak the truth and 2. to better understand the situation. So here goes...I have been with my wife since 93 married in 98 and have two daughters, near teenagers. My mother lives with us and has for some time. We are both well educated, and have good careers with retirements. She is in the medical field, I am typically in government positions but at present, going to school for doctorate. I still have income into the home. This to say we are financially stable.

She is a really honest and loving person, great mind, beautiful, great mother and takes care of nearly everything. I mean she has everything planned out and taken care of. So we split (I think) much of the everyday needs for the home and family. I guess I would consider her side the operations side while mine is support. (Past military speak) She is very smart and independent and could take care of herself. I am a faithful, dedicated and loving husband. I am a romantic, I believe in the connection to your wife is emotional, spiritual and physical. That your wife should be your friend and lover, that you should be soul mates if you will. I am physically fit, somewhat attractive but I don't presume to think a gift from above...just comfortable with who I am. I am an idealist with strong moral and ethical convictions, I mean what I say and I take commitment seriously.

So the situation...(from my perspective) up front for everyone, is that I cannot decide if I want to ask for a divorce, continue to try and save this marriage or if we should just separate but still married for the kids or frankly try to see if there is way to find out if she has some mental disorder? I am at the point of no recovery here. The event horizon if you will. The Problem...over the last 15 years she has become increasingly cold and distant. She has never been able to talk about anything serious except for chit chat...not us...bills and schedules yes she is all over that but she cannot tell me if she loves me and why. In bed...I feel like a piece of meat when she needs some attention then we're done until the next two months come up. Her desire to please me is more like a disgusting chore to keep me somewhat interested but I know the looks. At this point I do not flirt, do not kiss, do not joke, I do not do anything with her. I hate the constant feeling of rejection from her. I hate that I do not get any reciprocating feelings of love and flirtation. Its easier to not be interested.

She is obsessive over the girls getting things right on homework, pushing them all the time, yelling and screaming and she even goes back and rechecks homework. She caters to nearly every need of theirs, while I am the disciplinarian. I raise them with discussion of right and wrong, she screams at them but never follows through with punishment. The girls seem to be the center of her life. Don't get me wrong I love my girls and would do anything for them...but I think that she crosses the line. I often wonder when is it my turn...when do I get any thoughts of being a couple? She is a martyr. I cannot or do not even mention a problem sick or broken toe...that she does not come back with something much worse. She always complains about being stressed out, granted her work sucks but pays well. My opinion is she is hyper focused on everything. Anything that goes wrong is a major catastrophe...Other issues, we do not sleep together, she comes home from work and watches TV and sleeps on the couch. I tried to make a statement by blowing up the air mattress and sleeping out in another room but she calls it my bed even. She talks to her mother and texts her friends all the time...no conversation with her because she just loves to chat...

She has disrespected me several times and I have tried to tell her but she will not listen. In fact anytime I try to talk or write a letter (the fastest and easiest way now to get here attention). For instance, we took a trip to Italy one year with a group of friends, one night a male friend decided he was going to give a massage in front of me...she did not pull away right away. She knows I like going to breakfast but she hates it...she told me one day her male friend and her went out to breakfast...she also went to a museum together with him knowing I wanted to go but always refused. After I came back from a deployment, I tried to talk to her about it but she never really was interested...another male friend cam home and he tells me that she was asking him all kinds of questions about his deployment...at the same time after my deployment she goes on a cruise for week with a girlfriend but didn't think to go together. The last issue was a massage given by an unrelated male family member...nothing sexual but it was the fact that no one should be doing this except me. She will not listen to any advice I give her but she will from other men...even strangers. Frankly I have even had the thought of her cheating on me now because of these. I mean very unlikely but I hate that I feel this way now.

So that's all I can write for now sorry for ling thread but would love to hear any questions or opinions.

[michelle23]

It sounds like she turned emotionally cold over night and fell out of love with you. An affair can change a persons behavior dramatically. Sorry I'm not trying to make you paranoid but it does sound like something went on that changed her feelings for you and shes never regained them.

Or maybe you grew apart during your deployment and she fell out of love

She sounds deeply unhappy and your living in hell. I honestly think its best if you split up. Even if its only temporary. Sometimes it takes losing each other to realize that you do love each other and it will either make or break this marriage. She may realize she doesnt want to lose you and agree to work on it and you could try counselling together or it could be a breath of fresh air to you both and you leave a prison sentence and both find happieness elsewhere.

I know its very messy when kids are involved but none of you are happy right now and there are family counselling services that could help your girls come to terms with it.

[IndiReloaded]

In the end, whatever the specifics, it all comes down to needs--yours and hers. Someone, likely both of you, are not getting yours met. I say this b/c you otherwise sound like decent, responsible folks. No evidence of major deal breakers ... yet.

What are your needs (both) and why aren't you meeting them? Answer that and you will be on your way to solving your marriage problems.

[sowmia]

She clearly does not see what shes missing. Why not you start doing things she likes, with other female friends of yours? Don't do anything with the intention of cheating on her... but make her realise that you're not always going to be around if she continues treating you like this.

[michelle23]

She clearly does not see what shes missing. Why not you start doing things she likes, with other female friends of yours? Don't do anything with the intention of cheating on her... but make her realise that you're not always going to be around if she continues treating you like this.

That is really bad advice. Him having an emotional affair is not going to solve their problems. It will just give her amunition to use against him in the divorce. If he wants to save his marriage then giving his wife the final nail in the coffin by trying to make her jealous will only backfire

[Lizziebee]

Is your name really Steve Rogers? o.o

I'd say, you and your wife should maybe seek out professional help, a.k.a. a marriage councilor, since she seems to be cold and distant and won't talk to you. That way the both of you can talk openly about how you are feeling and maybe you can get to the root of the problem. If you can get to the root of the problem there, then you can start to work on things at home as well and eventually attempt to fix the problems in your marriage.

[StveRgrs]

I hope I am doing this right...Thank you all for your thoughts. I have actually tried to get her into counseling 5 times...even a marriage get away less than 2 miles from our home for a weekend...more faith based session. Nothing. I just wonder how much more I can go. To her though, you would think that there is nothing wrong at all. She literally acts as thought I do not ignore her and that sleeping on the couch is fine. It doesn't bother her at all. I am worried about the girls and how they see us...the fact that there is no emotional connection, no interaction, nothing in front of them makes me think they may also grow up thinking this is fine. (which I have told her) I have been flirted with and hit on numerous times over the years and while my friends would have jumped at any chance I have remained faithful. I hate that I now look back and say why not...I have told her that she is changing who I am, that I am unhappy with who she is turning me into. Cold, distant, unloving, uncaring, uninterested...its not who I am.

[IndiReloaded]

You have to break the cycle. Is she having an affair, even emotional? Don't be afraid... ask her directly. If not, then use 5 Whys approach:

http://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/newTMC_5W.htm

[Wakeup]

..I have told her that she is changing who I am, that I am unhappy with who she is turning me into. Cold, distant, unloving, uncaring, uninterested...its not who I am.

"She has changed who you are?" How can she have that kind of control over you?

I think that you need to get it through to her that although she may be quite content living with apathy and indifference to you and your relationship, YOU are not and that you would like her input on strategies that will get you both back that emotional connection, that your connection has been allowed to stagnate for so long.

Have your own strategy ready and see if she agrees to some, many none of the things that you have come up with.

You mention religion. Have you asked your (insert name of your head of clergy here) to help you with ways to fix the emotional disconnect? Perhaps she would be willing to talk to him/her about her indifference to you?

You've been together for a long time (you don't say how many of those years have actually been happy though) and I think you owe it to one another to at least try to remedy this before you separate. You also need to get some outside interests. Doing that will make you less inclined to look to her for ALL of your happiness in life. It will also make you a more interesting person and give you both something to talk about besides the children. This marriage (by all accounts) has gone by the same wayside as many others wherein the children (instead of each other as LIFE partners) become the center of the relationship's universe. Children should come first but that means more across the lines of Keeping them on the straight and narrow, feeding, housing and affection ~ certainly not giving them all of your attention while ignoring your spouse's wants and needs.

Tell me, did they sleep in your and your wife's bed as infants as well?

Anyway, I think during your deployment she learned to live without you. Make her realize that this marriage is in trouble and just because she's apathetic to that, it doesn't mean you are.

Good luck, hope you can salvage this.

[chinagirl]

In your conversation with your wife, have you ever asked her if she is still in love with you? I sense in your inscription that you still love her, otherwise, you would not be wasting your time asking her to go for couseling or wanting other people's opinion. If she is still in love with you, then it is worth taking all the necessary measures to save the marriage because if the love is still there, the marriage can be saved. Now, if she is not in love with you anymore and she is just staying with you for the children's sake, I think that you should walk out and give yourself the opportunity to be happy (you can't get blood from a stone). There is no point staying in a relationship where only one person is in love because it just makes the other person very unhappy and the children miserable having parents who are unhappy.

I, for one, do not believe in staying married for the sake of the children. I was miserable towards the end of my marriage (married 14 years) for many reasons, which made him unhappy (and led him to cheat), and our children even more miserable. I can say that I am happily divorced for 8 years now and my children have adjusted very well having parents who are at peace with themselves and at each other.

[StveRgrs]

I will try to get all the questions...this is really helping me BTW. I has given me a lot to think about. At the least I am letting off some steam and trying to see if I am doing something wrong here...
It's not so much of control over me. I just think I realized because of how she is towards me, I in turn have to disconnect myself. Something I do not like. I am free spirited, fun loving, adventurous, romantic...by her not being involved in any sense she has made me more like her as a defense mechanism it save me from getting angry and hurt again and again.
Kids did not sleep in bed with us. I think she sees herself as the driver for our kids to perform. I am more the inspiration, example, morals, behaviors, right and wrong discussion Dad. She is the day to day pusher.
I think you are right about her learning to live without e during deployments. I am all about her being a strong independent woman as I hope my daughters will be but she fails to see what I do. It's really always her having to "Do everything around here"
As far as finding out if she still loves me...I think maybe I will get the standard "absolutely" Things will go back to an OK situation as she realizes I am serious again...But is usually short lived and the cycle repeats.
The thing is also - I believe in being a good husband and father. I saw the way my father was and its probably why I am the way I am. I have this thought in my head that MAYBE she really wants to have a marriage in turmoil...maybe she wants to have something to complain about, something to stress out about. Most of her friends marriages have failed or they treat their wives like garbage. I get the sense she either needs me to be a horrible useless husband OR has to find fault with the way I do things in order to complain. Make sense??

[Satina]

Married since 98, and she's grown cold over the past 15 years, meaning you've had one year of happy marriage? What happened by the end of that 1rst year? Was there any event that might have caused her to become distant? Was it right after having your daughters? Some women who become mothers may focus so much on parenting that they forget that they are also their husband's "wife".

Your being far away for your deployment sounds like a plausible cause for her being distant. Has she expressed any discontent regarding this situation?

Also, did you have a happy sex life prior to all of this? A woman just doesn't lose her sex drive for no reason. There HAS to be something you don't see, or don't understand... I don't know, it's really hard to tell since you clearly indicate that everything seems to be going right in the relationship...