Bf infatuated with another girl....plz help

[Thtktgrl]

Sorry for the length but I'm really at a loss....

My bf just cut off 1 of his female friends. He said it was bc he had a huge crush on her before we met (I knew about this) & was redeveloping serious feelings for her.

When he told her how he felt before meeting me, she rejected him & he accepted she liked him only as a friend & started to move on. A few mos later he met me. A little after that she moved to another state. I never had a problem w/ their friendship. she clearly had no feelings for him & was respectful/supportive of us. even before we met she wasn't leading him on, according to their friends.

6 mos into our relationship he caught feelings for her again so cut her off. He showed me a pic of her he had hidden in a box & he offered to shred it in front of me. He told me once he ended their friendship it helped him fall in love w/ me even more. He said she has some qualities I'm lacking, & he told her- "its wrong to have such strong feelings for u while I have a gf." He told me she was a threat to our relationship, & she had "a strange effect" on him.

before meeting me he took care of her when she was sick once & brought her to meet his parents (thats a huge deal, I'm the only other girl who's met his parents).

On 1 hand I'm so thankful he cut her off & told her his feelings were wrong. My friend said that shows how much he loves me bc as much as he cared for her, he was willing to kick her out of his life to make things work w/ me....but idk. If he loves me then how could he develop such strong feelings for another girl? Should I dump him?

I'm so hurt by him falling for someone else while were together. it made me feel like complete crap that he fell more in love w/ me once she was gone. It's like he cared for her more & I fell in the shadows while she was in his life. i feel 2nd best, like he settled bc she didn't want him.

Would u dump him if u were in my shoes?

[anonymous_a]

How long have you been together? How do you know that he really has cut her off and he's not just saying that? How do you know she won't all of a sudden change her mind about him and he'll go running back to her? I'd say he needs to be alone and get over her ALONE, before he can really, truly love someone else.

[basilandthyme]

It's actually not unusual to get a crush on someone else when we're dating or even married. The trick is to manage the crush and not let it impede the relationship.

Your guy has done everything right EXCEPT for telling you about his decision. I think it would have been far wiser for him to have just quietly cut her from his life without telling you and creating all this uncertainty.

No, I wouldn't dump him, but I would probably tell him that I would rather have not known.

Edited to add: I WOULD dump him if the two of them rekindle their friendship

[anonymous_a]

Although I agree with basilandthyme, this seems like a little more than just a crush. He was infatuated with her before you, and still is, despite being with you, that's a little heavy to me.

[Lizziebee]

What? I've been with my boyfriend for three years, and he's never once had a problem like that. Any other girl that he was interested before we started dating is not a part of his life in that way anymore. He's still friends with some of his exes which was weird to me at first because I've never really ended on good terms with any of mine. Oddly enough, even the one girl I thought would be a huge problem for us never was. Once he met me and fell for me he never thought of her like that again. My boyfriend and I discuss EVERYTHING. I've seen him look at other girls, but that's normal and that's not even really a crush. Just noticing how good another girl looks, but he's never blatantly flirted with anyone else or become infatuated with anyone else while we've been together. I think you have a whole different issue on your hands than "a crush." You need to sit down and have a very serious conversation with your boyfriend, depending on how long you guys have been together, I'd ask if he sees you in his future at all. Because it honestly seems like he's struggling with getting over this girl if he has to cut off their being friends. My boyfriend is still friends with the girl I thought would be the biggest threat to our relationship when we started dating. They've even hung out recently. Not a single problem, he actually said he's glad he chose me over her and he doesn't regret it at all and he's not sure what he ever saw in her other than friendship.

Again, I don't know how long you've been with your boyfriend or how long he's been pining over this other girl but I'd definitely sit him down and ask him what is up. Honestly, if he loves you he shouldn't have any problem getting over this other girl, and if he is struggling with it then it may be time for you to move on because he may never get over her completely. I mean, what happens if he bumps into her when she's in town sometime? Is he going to keep struggling every time he sees her? Because that's a major problem for you and if you haven't been together more than six months you might even be a rebound or his way of trying to make her jealous.

[Thtktgrl]

How long have you been together? How do you know that he really has cut her off and he's not just saying that? How do you know she won't all of a sudden change her mind about him and he'll go running back to her? I'd say he needs to be alone and get over her ALONE, before he can really, truly love someone else.

We've been together 7 mos. I know he cut her off bc he did so thru email & showed it to me. He deleted her # in front of me & she lives almost 1,000 likes away so I'm not too concerned about them hanging out lol.

I've never had a problem with her or their friendship bc its clear to me & their mutual friends that she has zero feelings for him & before he met me she told him directly he needs to let it go bc there's no chance for them & that if he doesn't let it go they'd have to stop being friends. Shes always been respectful/supportive of us. My bf was the inappropriate 1 here, not her. As much bad that happened, i feel grateful that this is only on his end & not hers too. Shes annoyed by his feelings.

- - - Updated - - -

It's actually not unusual to get a crush on someone else when we're dating or even married. The trick is to manage the crush and not let it impede the relationship.

Yeah...it's completely natural to get crushes. I've had them before while dating him. But this wasn't really a crush so much as infatuation to the point he may be in love w/ her. Which is why it bothers me

- - - Updated - - -

Although I agree with basilandthyme, this seems like a little more than just a crush. He was infatuated with her before you, and still is, despite being with you, that's a little heavy to me.

Omg yeah it was more than just a crush. Before we met he gave her his old car when hers died, brought her to meet his parents which is a huge deal- I'm the only other girl who's met his parents, took care of her when she was sick once, helped her run her errands a few times, & when she needed a new place to stay due to a bad roommate situation he tried to persuade her to move into his spare room. She said no for awhile but eventually became so desperate she caved. Before she actually moved into his place her cousin offered her a place to stay rent free so she moved several states away to live with her. My bf is in the national guard so has to rewrite his will every year. Before we met he gave all his assets to her in his will. This year when he rewrote it he changed it back to dividing his assets between his family & close friends including her

[Johnie]

Ask yourself the question:If(hypothetically) she came tomorrow and asked him to be together ,what would he do?
Whether or not you should dump him depends highly on how you answer this question,in my opinion.