Second quessing my break up decision

[Johnie]

This is my first time posting in this forum(or any other love related forum for that matter) so first of all i want to say hi to everybody and to thank those who take the time to help me clear my head.I also want to say that english is not my mother language,so please excuse any mistakes that i make and feel free to ask me for any kind of clarification!

Im a 25 years old male,with average experiences in the "field" of women and below average in that of relationships.I was single during the past 2 and a half years with only a few making outs and a couple of one night stands but 7 months ago i met a nice girl(5 years younger) and up until a week ago we were together.I met her at a friends party and thought that she was charming and had a gorgeous smile.I asked her out and much to my delight she accepted.

Our date went smoothly and i could tell she was into me alot but even from the first date,because of her more "revealing" outfit i could tell that her body wasnt really that attractive to me but nevertheless it didnt seem such a big deal,considering her other qualities and the way she seemed to be into me.Right now i want to confess something,i was in dire need of sex and i wanted ALOT OF IT!

The first 5 months passed splendidly.We were totally committed and sweet to each other,we pursuited nice activities like concerts and theater performances together.I think that from the outside we would seem like the perfect couple.We also had a lot of really nice sex followed by unending cuddling.She seemed to be in love with me..Man did she take care of me!She was perfect!I had never had that before and i was really happy to have it.I also found myself getting more and more attached to her,caring for her,genuinely wanting her happiness,doing anything i could to achieve it,always being tender and caring.

But at the same time there was a battle inside me.I felt that i wasnt in love with her(at least in the way i had experienced it before)...I didnt feel that rush in the stomach when i saw her,i wasnt feeling any "true" lust for her despite my enjoying of our sex and i was wishing she had some of the physical qualities of other women i had dated.There was also another thing.I thought i was contributing more "spiritualy" in our relationship than her in terms of general knowledge and ability to discuss matters,art,politics etc but i thought that that was to be expected and she was really bright and mature for a 20 year old.

That battle went in favor of staying with her for 5 months but after that i started feeling that there was no real future between us.I prolonged it for another 2 months because i was hating myself(i still do in a way) for not being able to fall in love with such a great girl who only brings happiness to my life( i cant say that for my former partners),i didnt want to accept that something had to be done and frankly i didnt want to lose her.Being single seemed like a vast frozen wasteland compared to her warmth.

But it was the warmth of a house i was feeling not that of a fire and i thought i needed that kind of fiery passion in my age so i made the INCREDIBLY tough decision to have "the talk" with her.I was totally sincere with her(without the appearance stuff) and although she cried(thus making me do the same) she once again suprised me with her character and THANKED ME for not dragging her along longer.She also said she knew something was wrong from my side and that i was acting in a slightly "distant" manner lately.

I thought about it painstakingly for a month before braking up with her yet here i am,a week later missing her.Missing her laughter and company.Did i do the right thing?Are my current feelings just fear of loneliness or of the inability to find someone so loving again?Or am i just another shallow dude who wants a girl with big breasts and a pornstar-like body to show off to his friends?I found myself indeed not wanting to present her to others so often(though not avoiding it either) and not feeling proud about her appearance!Was this a normal byproduct of my personal taste or a sign of underlying issues i have?Even if i have them,did they determine the outcome or would it happen anyway?Oh my god...

[KellyH]

Even though I don't think it was right that you didn't present her to your friends because of her appearance I will reply to this post... I believe you are just lonely and missing a great women that treated you wonderfully. She gave you unconditional love so of course your going to miss that after only one week. But the fact is... you don't love her and your can't force that. Don't go back to her just because you miss how nice she is. She deserves someone that loves everything about her in the same way she does about them. Give yourself time to get over the break up and don't go back to her and say things that may make her think she has a chance, that's not fair to her.

[searock]

If you aren't attracted to her, you aren't attracted to her - nothing wrong with that, happens all the time (we can't find *everyone* attractive after all). If, on the other hand, you were attracted to her, but she simply didn't fit in the standard you have in your mind of what a "hot" woman should look like, then I do think you should work on figuring out why you care so much about it, when all that actually matters is, as is obvious, how attracted you actually are to someone and NOT how closely they resemble some ideal standard presented to you by the media, your friends and so on. It takes a huge amount of insecurity to be embarrassed of your significant other's appearance - even though you find her very attractive - as if the fact that it didn't fit into the current beauty standards somehow meant that you were less of a "man", or something.

Also, you never even saw her as your equal - you always considered her to be kind of a kid, a "really bright and mature" kid, but still just a kid. You need to date someone closer to your own age, so you can see her as your equal.

You weren't satisfied in the relationship, so you ended it: it was definitely the right thing to do. Work on yourself and try to figure out the "standardized looks vs actual attractiveness" issue, your commitment issues and your preference for much younger women. Do not try to get back together with her, you weren't compatible. Once you figure yourself out, you will find someone that is right for you.

[michelle23]

You basically used her for sex and your an ass. Shes a nice girl and deserves better than you. I think your an insecure loser who settles for second best coz you cant get what you really want... why would a model want to go out with a jerk when theres plenty of genuine nice men who dont just want her for her body...

I speak from experience

[KingZ]

Michelle's response gave me a very hearty lolin'. Ahh, I needed that.

Anyway, the issue is simple enough for a searock type to answer this correctly. Use that as your reference post and move on.

[surfhb2]

You basically used her for sex and your an ass. Shes a nice girl and deserves better than you. I think your an insecure loser who settles for second best coz you cant get what you really want... why would a model want to go out with a jerk when theres plenty of genuine nice men who dont just want her for her body...

I speak from experience

Seriously Girl?

The guy didn't feel the love....end of story.

[KingZ]

Don't mind Michelle. She's just bitter—some guy dumped her because she looks like a leprechaun.

[Kevz]

She may have been nice to you, but at the end of the day if you didn't love her that is all that matters. I don't have much dating experience, but I know that either you fall in love with someone or you don't.

[smiling100]

You basically used her for sex and your an ass. Shes a nice girl and deserves better than you. I think your an insecure loser who settles for second best coz you cant get what you really want... why would a model want to go out with a jerk when theres plenty of genuine nice men who dont just want her for her body...

I speak from experience

Very very harsh Michelle?

I think you have some unresolved issues to work through.

[michelle23]

Lol I am not being harsh and for your info kingz-I have never been dumped.

The lesson here is don't go out with someone your not attracted to, it doesnt work and dont use someone for your own selfish reasons. She didnt deserve that

[KingZ]

I have never been dumped.

HAH. I love it when women say this.

But let's be honest, you do look like a leprechaun, though. A leprechaun without any gold. Ginger hair, ginger face, ginger beard, ginger pubic muff.

[smiling100]

Lol I am not being harsh and for your info kingz-I have never been dumped.

The lesson here is don't go out with someone your not attracted to, it doesnt work and dont use someone for your own selfish reasons. She didnt deserve that

You called him an insecure loser? That's plain nasty

[michelle23]

He is insecure. He basically just settled for second best and look where that got him. He needs to grow up and realize its unfair and plain nasty to drag someone along like that when he knows from day 1 shes not his type.

[smiling100]

He is insecure. He basically just settled for second best and look where that got him. He needs to grow up and realize its unfair and plain nasty to drag someone along like that when he knows from day 1 shes not his type.

You could of explained it without so much venom.