How do I live as a singleton in a society that favors marriage?

[Inexadra]

When you're married, you have everything: stability, love, bliss, and the respect of the whole society. You're honored with ceremonies (weddings, showers, honeymoons, etc.) and tax incentives and just a general congratulatory respect from society.

I'm 28 years old and I've realized I'm never going to be married - it's just not in the cards. If I were going to be married, I'd be engaged by now like a normal 28 year old.

The relevant question for me is how do I live as a single person in a society that regards married people as superior?

The other day, I found myself yielding and holding the door for a married couple with a child. I about kicked myself afterward, as my actions were tantamount to "bowing" before the superior married couple.

What is good about being single and unmarried? Married folks always say that singles are less responsible - how do I live in a society that sees me as less responsible because I'm not married?

[basilandthyme]

The other day, I found myself yielding and holding the door for a married couple with a child. I about kicked myself afterward, as my actions were tantamount to "bowing" before the superior married couple.

WTF? It sounds to me that you've got an attitude problem. Perhaps this is holding you back in the marriage stakes?

Holding a door for someone is not about 'bowing' to them. It's simply good manners. I'm a woman and I'll hold the door for young and for old, for families and singles, for male and for female. If using good manners sends you into such turmoil, I think you've got some serious personality issues.

Edited to add: I've got married and single friends - makes no difference. But most certainly do not have friends who have attitudes such as you do. It's not about your marital status - it's about you being a dick.

[Inexadra]

How am I a dick? I held the door open anyway and smiled at them. I would do so again (and actually *have* done so since then).

The point, though, is how I felt. I feel that if you're married, all sorts of figurative doors open for you in this society that are normally closed if you're single. I feel like married folks treat single folks as second class citizens, and that, in the U.S. at least, this mentality is encouraged by a legal system that treats singles as second-class.

For me, it adds insult to injury: I'm single and lonely, yet on top of that, I'm living in an environment that implicitly disparages singles.

Do you see what I mean?

[Valixy]

It's not about being single, in a relationship or married. It's about being happy however you are. I have friends who had a spectacular wedding in their twenties and are now single mothers and they spent several years in an unhappy marriage. Others are still enjoying their life with their husband and kids though. I also have friends who are single and are feeling miserable about it, but also single friends who are doing spectacular. Marriage and family requires a lot of dedication and sacrifice in my opinion, but there are many other forms of doing something for other human beings or other species.

I don't think society favours in any way married people. Single people have the same opportunities as married people with children, or maybe more sometimes, especially because they don't have that kind of obligations, from work promotions, to freedom for enjoying themselves, at least in Spain that is.

I've also met some very proud married ladies though, who think that those who are single are missing something very important in their lives. I'm too polite to tell them that just because they can't conceive life without a man anymore, other women can't be perfectly happy on their own. Their attitude is not about being happily married but about being judgmental. And whenever they cringe in front of a very attractive woman when their husbands are around, it's obvious that their happy marriage often makes them feel insecure.

They also have to pay for babysitters when we go out or sometimes their husbands or mothers call them because the time they've agreed to look after the kids has expired. I don't see them leaving very happy on most occasions, I should say. This kind of happy married ladies are a minority though but are the ones who more brag about being happily married...

Really, Inexandra, you need to have a realistic view on relationships, and understand that being happy does not depend on being married or single, but about being happy with yourself first and this is posible.

[OrangeSun]

I agree that society favors couples. No answer for you though

[basilandthyme]

How am I a dick? I held the door open anyway and smiled at them. I would do so again (and actually *have* done so since then).

You're being a dick because you think that opening a door for someone equals bowing before them.

[surfhb2]

When you're married, you have everything: stability, love, bliss, and the respect of the whole society. You're honored with ceremonies (weddings, showers, honeymoons, etc.) and tax incentives and just a general congratulatory respect from society.

LOL !!!!

How would you know? You've never been married or lived with anyone

[Boisdevie]

I was married once. It ended in disaster. Marriage can sometimes be disapointing.

[pcmaster]

Man when you are healty you are happy no matter what - married or single. Theres lot of life to be enjoyed in both cases. I think you are just looking at positive things. Put a ring around finger and life will be amazingly the same - you will amazed how much still depends on you and disapointed if you did expect something magical to happen. In the end of the day you are you. You can try escape yourself but what inside of you will follow and you will be able to make only as healthy relationships as healthy you are.
Also dont look 10 steps forward, you cant predict future so much ahead.

Loose virginity first and then think about marriage.

[Inexadra]

LOL !!!!

How would you know? You've never been married or lived with anyone

I have lived with someone I loved. Furthermore, I posited a perception, not something I'm absolutely certain of. That's the reason I mentioned it in the first place: to see if others had the same perceptions, and if not, then what their perceptions of marriage are and why.

I'm not presuming to know anything, I'm only sharing what I have seen and been lead to believe based on the cultural context I've grown up in.

[CD110]

I've read employers favor married breadwinners when it comes to hiring because they have less leeway to just quit on a whim. No idea how factual that is, but being held by the balls by an employer does not sound like much fun. Neither does being legally bound to a person. As for what people think, who cares? You do yourself a disservice by giving a shit what society has to say. Live your life how you want, anything else is a damn waste.

[Inexadra]

You're being a dick because you think that opening a door for someone equals bowing before them.

Well, in some cultures, bowing is as common as holding a door for someone. You still didn't explain why, in the context in which I mentioned it, my feeling makes me a dick.

Furthermore, I am here because I'm hurt and I need help. How does calling me nasty names help me? I would never, ever say that you're a bad person just because I happen to disagree with your way of looking at a situation, especially if you were going through a period of hurt.

[basilandthyme]

Well, in some cultures, bowing is as common as holding a door for someone. You still didn't explain why, in the context in which I mentioned it, my feeling makes me a dick.

Yes, but bowing is not an American custom and you're American. In Western cultures, opening a door is simply being helpful and displaying good manners.

I said that you're a dick because you've managed to do something nice for someone and then gone and made yourself into some type of victim.

And I am helping you: I'm pointing out that it's your attitude which is holding you back - not your height. Your assertion that 100% of American men under who are 5'6 are undatable cannot possibly be true. You've got a dicky kind of attitude with blaming height and other's perceptions instead of considering that the problem may well be your personality.

You can't change your height - but you can change your personality. I think taking away your attitude of thinking that you're a victim of society would make you far more successful in the dating stakes.

[fearoflove]

Being single is freaking great. You don't have to answer to anyone, can date/sleep with/flirt with anyone you like, go and do whatever you want. So much options and freedom!! Guys coming to me and be like "I wanna marry you, girl" and I am like not ready yet, let me enjoy my options a bit first.

[dem862]

The problem is not married people. The problem is your envy and jealousy. You are only hurting yourself with this kind of attitude. And marriage is not always a bowl of cherries. Sometimes it is the pits.