How do I not give up?

[Inexadra]

I'm 28 years old. I've been single now for 15 months.

I don't eat well. I don't sleep well. My body is sore all the time from all the tension and stress. I have virtually no friends.

All of this is because I feel tremendous despair over the fact that I believe I will never find love.

Folks, please don't insult me or call me names. I'm here because I'm really, really hurting. I constantly alternate between wanting to end my life and wanting to cry. I feel unwanted, unloved, and unloveable.

A big problem I have is my physical height. I'm a tiny 5' 6" tall. I've been to other message boards where the consensus among women is that they would never date a man my height. Most of the women I've been interested in have all been drawn to men who were taller, more athletic, or artsier, or more rebellious, or more mainstream, or more nerdy than me. I feel like a reject.


I want to be happy again, because I hate feeling this way. But choosing to be happy when my love-life is so terrible feels like *giving in* - that I'm just acquiescing to fate and not fighting for what I want, which is love and a lasting relationship.

People who are coupled - dating/engaged/married - enjoy such bliss, it's incredible. When you have a relationship with someone like that, you know you'll never be alone and you. Yet, as we know: the past indicates the future. This is why, for example, in a court of law, we use past behavior as an indicator of future behavior, because the past tells us what the future will be, right?

Knowing that, why shouldn't I give up on love? My heart won't let me give up, but I wish it would, seeing as I have no reason to believe I'll ever find love.

If you take issue with, disagree with, or wish to challenge anything I've said here: by all means, do so - but do so respectfully, please. I'm here on this forum because I need help.

[basilandthyme]

Inexadra, on all your other threads which are similar to this, you've dismissed all the kind and helpful advice given by strangers. I gave you some not so kind advice because I saw that being kind and helpful wasn't working....so I thought a kick up the ass may work.

Why should posters continue to help when you're not listening to anything written to you?

At any rate, the fact that you've got virtually no friends further indicates that your personality is the problem - not your height. So, you can choose misery and be alone. Or you can choose happiness and be someone that others would want to be around. It's up to you.

Though I would add that if you choose misery, then yes, you should absolutely give up on love and having friends. Why? Because nobody wants a miserable person for friendship or love.

[Inexadra]

Basilandthyme,

I am a skeptic. I am an ardent skeptic - skepticism is necessary to fend off delusion. This is why I'm not a religious person, for example, because I need proof/evidence. As a skeptic, I also "problematize" theorized solutions - I look for areas where they might fail in order to devise a solution that will most definitely work. This is what any good engineer does. This is what aircraft designers and design testers do before allowing the public to fly on their planes (well, theoretically,...)

Being a skeptic doesn't mean I just go around saying "no" to everything, but it does mean that I hold all received information to a standard of scrutiny. It is very easy for someone giving advice to just throw their hands up when a skeptic like me doesn't just nod their head and go "OK! Great, thanks! <3". I do this because in the past I've received advice from many people that simply didn't work - I had been naive, failing to critically examine the advice they'd provided.

I know myself better than anyone here, obviously, and I know my past experiences better than anyone here (just like everyone else on this forum).

People say "choose to be happy", but that's a sound bite: what does it *mean*? How does one *choose* to be happy without it being mere delusion? If I'm standing in the middle of a railroad track while a train is coming at me, and I just close my eyes and smile and say "Well, I'm just gonna choose to be happy and optimistic that the train won't hit me", it's probably not gonna work out well for me, right?

If I'm supposed to "choose to be happy", then how is that going to get me what I want? What's the mechanism? If I'm starving and have nothing to eat, how can I be happy that I have food when I don't have any?

My fear, basilandthyme, is that if I choose to be happy without first having a reason to be, then I'll become a caricature of that annoying, deluded guy who thinks he's awesome while everyone else despises him or thinks he's unattractive. In that case, I'll be happier, so to speak, but I won't have more friends nor be closer to finding love - I'll just be the happy, still-unattractive doofus.

Does that make sense?

[ParadiseLost]

Start with very basic things like 3 healthy meals a day and do work thats usefull for you or/and others. At this low point you cant expect some person show up in your life and solve all the problems. You have to love yourself before you can ask someone to love you. Right now you are getting only work fruits you deserve. Look at happy people - what are they doing that you dont?

Something have to change inside of you before world can change around you.

[basilandthyme]

Do you have NOTHING in your life to be happy about?

Here some things which make me happy and none of them are to do with interpersonal relationships:

The smell of rain
Change of season
Wattle trees in flower
Sunsets
A perfect cup of tea
My home grown tomatoes
A roof over my head
Good food
A glass of wine (or 3)
Clean sheets on my bed
silence
a great new song on repeat
chocolate
my new lamp
swimming in the ocean
the basil and thyme in my garden
a lazy Sunday morning in bed with a newspaper and a cup of tea

Start to find joy in the everyday. What about doing that thing where everyday you take a photo of something to be grateful for?

Edited to add: I forgot finding joy in hobbies. Do you have no interests which give you the joy of achievement?

[basilandthyme]

I am a skeptic. I am an ardent skeptic - skepticism is necessary to fend off delusion. This is why I'm not a religious person, for example, because I need proof/evidence. As a skeptic, I also "problematize" theorized solutions - I look for areas where they might fail in order to devise a solution that will most definitely work. This is what any good engineer does. This is what aircraft designers and design testers do before allowing the public to fly on their planes (well, theoretically,...)

<snip>

Does that make sense?

Except that your theory doesn't work when it comes to getting a degree in Engineering. Without a degree, you have no chance at getting a good job. However, with a degree, you have a much better chance - but there are no iron clad guarantees. But you take the chance and pay for the degree and study and do your best to find that dream job.

It's the same with finding a relationship. If you're not a pleasant, happy person who can find joy in life, you have no chance at at getting a good relationship. However, with a positive attitude you have a much better chance - but there are no iron clad guarantees.

You wouldn't take the chance of not getting a degree....so why would you take the chance of not being a person who others want to date?

Life is a risk. Or at least, a life well lived is a risk.

[jb1111983]

OP, who the hell told you 5'6 was too short??? Granted most women prefer taller men like 5'10 and above but it doesn't mean they won't date someone your height.
Any girl who's shorter than you, 5'5 and below (and there are many women of that height or shorter), should have no problem going out with you if they like you for your personality, etc.

I'm sorry to say you sound like you're really unhappy with yourself. You gotta kick that thinking out of you, mate. Remember, nobody is attracted to sad people. Learn to appreciate yourself more. And don't worry too much about dating women. If you meet someone you like, initiate a conversation, and see if you'd like to ask them out.

Good luck.

[chinagirl]

Basilandthyme,

I am a skeptic. I am an ardent skeptic - skepticism is necessary to fend off delusion. This is why I'm not a religious person, for example, because I need proof/evidence. As a skeptic, I also "problematize" theorized solutions - I look for areas where they might fail in order to devise a solution that will most definitely work. This is what any good engineer does. This is what aircraft designers and design testers do before allowing the public to fly on their planes (well, theoretically,...)

Being a skeptic doesn't mean I just go around saying "no" to everything, but it does mean that I hold all received information to a standard of scrutiny. It is very easy for someone giving advice to just throw their hands up when a skeptic like me doesn't just nod their head and go "OK! Great, thanks! <3". I do this because in the past I've received advice from many people that simply didn't work - I had been naive, failing to critically examine the advice they'd provided.

I know myself better than anyone here, obviously, and I know my past experiences better than anyone here (just like everyone else on this forum).

People say "choose to be happy", but that's a sound bite: what does it *mean*? How does one *choose* to be happy without it being mere delusion? If I'm standing in the middle of a railroad track while a train is coming at me, and I just close my eyes and smile and say "Well, I'm just gonna choose to be happy and optimistic that the train won't hit me", it's probably not gonna work out well for me, right?

If I'm supposed to "choose to be happy", then how is that going to get me what I want? What's the mechanism? If I'm starving and have nothing to eat, how can I be happy that I have food when I don't have any?

My fear, basilandthyme, is that if I choose to be happy without first having a reason to be, then I'll become a caricature of that annoying, deluded guy who thinks he's awesome while everyone else despises him or thinks he's unattractive. In that case, I'll be happier, so to speak, but I won't have more friends nor be closer to finding love - I'll just be the happy, still-unattractive doofus.

Does that make sense?

Oh my God, you're making life more complicated than it is...you know what your problem is, you think way too much. You're stressing on things that has no importance and you are blowing things out of proportion. Embrace your imperfections! You know why? Because nobody's perfect!!!